


Saviour

by youstandbeforeme



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Depression, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, Saviour, Self Confidence Issues, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-06
Updated: 2013-08-15
Packaged: 2017-12-22 14:22:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 23
Words: 87,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/914236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youstandbeforeme/pseuds/youstandbeforeme
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I always thought falling would be the best way to die. That feeling of the wind rushing past you. The closest you’ll ever get to flying. Free." There is no question that Harry Styles is a troubled teen. The bruises and scars that line his body are proof enough, but no one sees the scars on the inside, the ones that taunt him daily, the ones that are leading him closer to an edge that might just pull him over… If only someone were willing to try and save him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

CHAPTER ONE

The first thing that pulled him from his sleep was the intense pain in his lower back. Most likely from the awkward position he had passed out in on the cold, hardwood floor the night before. The next was the pain in his head. Most likely from the vast amounts of alcohol he had consumed, and partly from the weed he knew he must have smoked. His eyes fluttered open to see intense light beaming in at him through a large window in front of him. He quickly shut his eyes again, squeezing them tight. He groaned as he began to roll onto his back, but something thick and sticky clung to his arm and kept him where he was. He cautiously opened his eyes again, keeping them half lidded to diminish the effects of the blinding light. He glanced at his hand, pulling it slowly from the floor with a loud 'squelch'. What the hell was all this crap? He spread his fingers in front of his face and a thick cream coloured substance stretched between them before dropping to the ground in large globs. He pulled his hand towards his face and sniffed cautiously at it. Was that custard? He shook his hand forcefully a few times, watching it fly from his fingers.  
He rolled onto his back and sat up nearly falling back down as his head swam from his intense hangover. He grabbed at his head with his clean hand as if he was trying to hold it together. With the pain he was feeling now he wouldn't be surprised if it did come apart. He scanned the room in front of him lazily seeing numerous other teens passed out in various positions. The next thing he noticed was that just about every inch of the room was covered in some sort of food. Pasta hung from the chandelier above him, chocolate sauce covered the walls, what must have been boxes worth of cereal was scattered about the floor. Not a single person he could see was immune from the effects of the massive food fight that had ensued the night before. Through his haze he vaguely remembered one of the older boys at the party instigating the whole thing once the supply of booze had run dry, but who could be sure at this point?  
  
He stumbled to his feet and glanced around quickly, looking for something to wipe his hands on. He settled on a t-shirt he found thrown across the arm of the couch he woke up next to. He stumbled across the spacious parlor into a small dining room and caught a glimpse of himself in a mirror hanging on the wall opposite him. His thick brown hair was matted, tangled, and covered in ketchup. He groaned, pushing his bangs out of his face. He blinked at himself, stepping closer to the mirror. He stared in horror as he saw the large welt and purple discoloration around his right eye. No wonder his head hurt so bad. How the hell had that even happened?  
  
He gave up trying to search his brain for the answer and continued on to the kitchen. He entered the narrow room and headed straight for the sink, wanting desperately to wash his hands and hair.  
  
"What the fuck are you still doing here, Styles?" Harry stopped in his tracks. He knew that voice, he despised that voice. "Who the hell invited you anyway?"  
  
Harry turned slowly to see Zayn sitting on the counter behind him, a bowl of cereal in his hands. Harry just blinked at him for a moment, completely shut down by the bullies scrutinizing glare. Zayn raised his eyebrows, questioning, as he shoveled cereal into his mouth, looking at Harry as if he was some half retarded mute.  
  
"Liam." Harry finally managed through the lump in his throat. Zayn swallowed quickly and turned his left ear toward the younger boy, raising his eyebrows again.  
  
"I'm sorry, did you just say something?" Harry swallowed and cleared his throat, trying to gain more confidence as Zayn shoved more food into his mouth.  
  
"Liam invited me." Zayn let out a muffled laugh around his mouthful, sending bits of food flying at Harry, before swallowing it thickly.  
  
"That boy always was too nice for his own good. Well, now you've over stayed your welcome, not that you ever really were welcome here; so why you don't you just get the fuck out, and run along home to your mommy." Harry felt his face get hot as his cheeks blushed bright red. He felt his eyes prick with pain as tears threatened to form. Zayn scooped another heap of cereal onto his spoon and moved it toward his mouth. "Fucking twat." he added before closing his lips around the spoon and chewing sloppily. "Oh, and nice shiner ya got yourself there. Wonder who gave you that," he said smirking. A flash of Zayn pinning him to the floor and pounding his face as Liam stood by laughing crossed Harry's mind. Harry balled his hands into tight fists at his side, his blunt fingernails digging into his palm.  
  
"Why do you hate me so much?" Harry asked as he clenched his jaw, trying to keep his tears from escaping. Zayn's lips curled back over his teeth a little, amused, a small glint in his eyes.  
  
"Because you're a fucking faggot. Everyone knows that, Styles. I bet you're thinking about how much you'd love to suck my big cock right now, aren't ya?" he grabbed at the crotch of his pants obscenely. "Fucking fairy." Harry couldn't hold it in anymore, the tears he was fighting back made their way out. He turned sharply and ran toward the back door of the house, just off of the kitchen. As he reached for the door he heard Zayn laughing behind him, and as he opened it he heard him call out, "He was crying! He was actually bloody crying! What a baby! Liam, did you see-"  
  
He let the door slam behind him as he sprinted across the garden and into a small alley that ran between the houses. He made it about two houses down before his stomach seized. He stopped and braced himself on a large wooden fence to his right. He felt his insides lurch upward as his eyes watered. His stomach flipped again and he was throwing up all over his own feet. He quickly shuffled them back and leaned more against the fence as he heaved again, missing himself this time, but barely. He stood for a minute, shaking from head to toe before wiping at his mouth with the back of his hand. He spat a few times trying to rid his mouth of the acidic taste before he pushed himself back from the fence.  
  
He glanced down at his vomit covered feet and kicked off his shoes quickly, picking them up carefully and tossing them in the bin behind him. 'They were old anyway' he thought as he continued down the alley, the cold pavement numbing his bare feet. He spotted a hose a couple houses down and headed straight for it. He grabbed it from the ground and followed it to a faucet at the side of a shed. He quickly turned it on and ran his hands under the stream. He lowered his head and ran the water over his hair, gasping as the icy water hit his scalp. He ran his free hand through his hair trying to get as much of the mess out as he could, as quickly as he could. He took in a mouthful, swishing it and spitting quickly. He did this a few more times before gulping some of the liquid down to soothe his parched throat. He turned the spigot off and shook his brown curls furiously before reaching up and twisting the mop in his hands, wringing out as much water as he could. Glancing at his reflection in the window of the shed, he decided he was clean enough for the time being.  
  
His hands went to his tight black jeans, feeling around through the material. His phone was in one pocket, his keys in the other. He reached round back and found what he was looking for. He pulled a thin silver cigarette holster from his back pocket and popped it open. He took out a spliff and stuck it between his teeth, replacing the holster in his pocket and searching for his lighter. Finding it quickly he flicked it on, holding it up and lighting his spliff, inhaling deeply. He slumped back against the shed and exhaled with a long sigh, watching the smoke curl its way toward the sky. After a night of partying the last thing he needed was more pot, but he knew it would help with his headache and he could definitely do with something to help distract his mind from the venom Zayn and spat his way.  
  
Harry knew he shouldn't let those things bother him, his mum had always told him that, but it was much easier said than done. After hearing it nearly everyday for most of your life it was only a matter of time before you started to believe some of the awful things people said about you. Harry liked to think he was stronger than that, had always tried to be someone who didn't care what other people thought or said about him, but.… he just wasn't. He couldn't be. This is why, more often than not, Harry depended on booze or pot or, on rare ,special, occasions, a handful of pills to take him away from it all. Zayn was only the latest in a long line of bullies that had tormented him from primaries on so, sadly, it was something he had grown used to.  
  
He took another long drag, closing his eyes and holding it deep in his chest before releasing it again. When he opened his eyes he could already feel the effects of the drug on his system. The pounding in his skull had been reduced to a faint knocking and his mind was somehow both clouded yet infinitely clear at the same time. His lips turned up at the corners as laughter bubbled from somewhere deep inside of him. He had no reason to laugh, but he did anyway. He was in fits of hysteria over nothing. He shook his head slightly at the absurdity and took another long puff between chuckles. Pushing off of the shed and heading once again down the alley, this time with much more spring in his step, his high hit its peak. This was some good shit. He loved the euphoric feeling he got throughout his body, the weightlessness of it all. He smiled at himself again as he took a final drag, pulling his fingers far from the joint so as not to burn himself, before tossing it to the side.  
  
He whistled tunelessly, happily, to himself as he jaunted down the remainder of the alley, stopping briefly to dry his hair in someone's laundry which was hanging to dry in their back garden. He laughed outrageously at the faint red stains the remaining ketchup left on the clean white towels before scurrying away quickly so as not to get caught. He was lost in a world he often escaped to; a world that only existed in his mind. It was a place he had created for himself many years ago as a child that he could run to before he discovered substances that could do it for him. It was still a safe, warm place to him though, so he couldn't give it up, even if he tried. A lot of times he didn't have to think much to send himself there, it was almost instinctual, his way of merely coping with the real world around him. Most of the time his mind was already there. It was a world where he wasn't hated simply for being a quiet and awkward lad who had a hard time with even simple communication. A place where people looked at him as if he was a god, or at the very least, like he was worth their time. A place where he wasn't criticized for his sexuality, which to be honest, though he was in fact gay, no one at his school actually knew that for sure. The fact that he had never had a proper girlfriend and had been caught on a couple of occasions holding lingering glances at boys in the locker room during PE didn't help his 'I'm straight' argument. He had given up on that years ago and now simply chose not to talk to anyone. Not just about that, but about anything really. It was easier that way and most people preferred him that way.  
  
It was this magical world he was lost in when he rounded the corner out of the alley onto a deserted lane. His head was down, watching his feet as he hummed to himself when he collided with something. He looked up to see sheets of bright white paper falling all around him. Through the fluttering he caught the glimpse of a person and he immediately began to spew a slur of apologies almost on instinct. He dropped to the ground and quickly began to gather the papers scattered about. He felt fingers curl around his wrists, halting his movements.  
  
"Don't worry about it." Came a sweet voice from in front of him. He steadied himself and slowly peered up through his thick curls cautiously. The first thing he saw was tanned skin and a bright white smile flashing at him. The next thing his eyes fell on were the most vibrant cerulean blue eyes he had ever seen flanked by thick, feathery lashes. They sparkled in the bright sun filtering down on them through a thin layer of clouds. His heart leapt into his throat as he connected with them, his face immediately flushing before getting hot and red. His breath caught suddenly causing him to gasp slightly. He dropped his head again quickly avoiding the boy he had just run into.  
  
Harry felt a finger land under his chin and pull his head back up. Harry immediately shrunk into himself, pulling his arms tight to his side and slumping his shoulders in, trying his hardest to become invisible as he often did. He kept his eyes down as those fingers trailed up to push his bangs back. He flinched away from the touch slightly, but the boy caught his cheek and pulled him back.  
  
"What happened to your eye?" the boy asked, a frown now tugging at his lips. Harry choked on his words, not sure what to say. "Are you okay?" the boy asked unsteadily.  
  
"I'm fine." Harry said finally, almost a whisper. He brought his eyes up slowly to meet those blue orbs again. They were squinting at him slightly, scrutinizing his answer. "Really, I'm fine." Harry repeated trying to sound as confident as possible. The other boy shot him a wary glance before turning to pick up the remaining papers still on the ground. Harry worked the sheets he had retrieved into a neat pile, standing slowly and holding them out in front of him still trying to make himself as small as possible. The other boy stood and took them with a thankful smile on his lips, adding them to the top of the pile he had. Harry stared at him awkwardly for a second, playing absently with the hem of his shirt and kicking slightly at the ground.  
  
"Where are you shoes?" The blue-eyed boy asked quietly glancing down at Harry's bare feet. Harry just shrugged, unable to speak. "Okay.... are you sure you're alright? You seem a little... I don't know... off." Harry replayed the words in his head. They didn't sound like an insult, more just an observation. "You're Styles, right?" the boy continued, "Harry Styles?" Harry's head snapped up immediately. How did this boy know his name? He couldn't recall ever seeing him before. He would have remembered a boy as fit as him, storing his image in the 'wank bank' for later use, that he knew for sure. "I'm Louis, Louis Tomlinson." Louis held out his hand with a large grin. Harry took it hesitantly and melted slightly at the warm, soft skin. "We go to school together. Well, I'm a couple years older than you, but I've seen you around." Harry stared bewildered. How did this boy know who he was? "You've got a bit of a reputation, I believe." Of course, that's how everyone knew Harry; as the fag. Harry frowned and pulled his hand quickly, albeit reluctantly, from the older boy's grasp.  
  
"Yeah, I suppose I do." Harry replied dryly, frowning down at his feet again. They both stood awkwardly shifting in front of each other for a long moment.  
  
"Right, well thanks for helping me pick up my things." Louis finally said, cheerfully.  
  
"You wouldn't 've dropped 'em if it weren't for me." Harry shrugged and Louis laughed loudly. The sound caught Harry off guard and he couldn't help but smile at the glee behind it.  
  
"Well, I have to be off. I was going to be late as it was." Louis let out heavy sigh, pulling a small satchel that hung at his side in front of him and stuffing his papers down into it.  
  
"Right, yeah, I'm really sorry again... about... that." Harry said stumbling awkwardly through the sentence like he always did.  
  
"And again, there's nothing to apologize for." Louis beamed up at him, patting his shoulder lightly. "By the way, you should smile more. You're quite cute when you smile." Louis' lips curled up at the corners and he raised an eyebrow coyly at him. Harry's eyes went wide and his mouth dried instantly. "Actually, you're just quite cute in general." Louis said stepping back slightly and eyeing the younger boy. "Even with that black eye." Louis winked at him playfully. Harry stopped breathing, his whole body frozen. Louis chuckled at Harry's reaction and stepped into him, raising slightly onto his toes to whisper into his ear. "I'll see you around Styles." With that he brushed past the younger boy and sauntered down the street.  
  
Harry couldn't breath, the feel of the older boy's hot breath still lingering on his neck. He cautiously turned to watch through his damp curls as Louis walked away. A sigh fell from his lips as he watched the older boys perfect ass move under his tight red jeans. As he stared on Louis turned to him slightly, throwing a smile in Harry's direction before turning and disappearing around the corner. Harry's heart was pounding in his chest and he was on the verge of hyperventilating. His mind raced at the encounter that had just taken place. That was literally the best, and first, interaction he had ever had with another boy, other than his only friend, Niall, that is. At least one in which the other boy wasn't trying to kick his ass or cram him into a rubbish bin anyway.  
  
His hands moved around to his back pocket pulling his holster out again and placing another spliff between his lips. He lit it quickly and sucked as hard as he could trying desperately to calm his nerves. His head began to swim instantly as he sunk down to sit on the curb. His hands and legs were shaking uncontrollably. He couldn't believe that had just happened. What the hell was it that just happened anyway? Harry didn't even care. He just sat on the ground, smoking, and smiling larger than he had in all his life.


	2. Chapter Two

Harry was sat slumped on the pavement, his back against the brick of his school, hidden between two dumpsters as he gulped down the contents of a water bottle full of vodka he had managed to sneak from his step-dad's liquor cabinet. It was something he did nearly everyday. Everyday that he actually bothered to go to class that was, which was becoming more and more frequent since the last call home from his headmaster. His step-dad had come so near to beating him with how angry he was as he yelled at the boy, and his mom made a show of crying loudly just out of sight, wailing about how disappointed she was as his older sister, home on holiday, tried to calm her. It wasn't that he was afraid of being hit, or yelled at that made him go to school, it was the thought of letting his mother down. He couldn't stand to think that she was disappointed in him, there was no one he loved or depended on more than his mother. His sister was maybe a close second, but since she had gone off to uni this past year he rarely ever saw her anymore. She'd all but stopped calling, moving on with her life, as Harry wanted her too. He had told her this when she left. Holding him tightly in a hug he made her promise not to worry about them anymore and do what she had to do. She made him promise to look after their mother and to try and not be so miserable. To try and move on with his own life and stop depending on the way other people treated him and the things they said to him to mold how he thought and felt about himself.  
  
That was much easier said than done he had discovered, and not much had gotten better since she left. If anything it got worse. There was now one less person to tell him that he wasn't stupid, and useless, and a total fucking faggot who didn't even deserve to live.  
  
Harry coughed at the burn in his throat and held a fist to his mouth, shutting his eyes tight and willing himself to hold it in. He did. He paused for a moment looking at the half drunk bottle and breathing heavily before bringing it to his lips again. He threw his head back and took in as much of the liquid as he could stand in one pull. As the alcohol settled he felt a lurch in his stomach and belched loudly, afraid it would all come back up as he did. It didn't. He let his head hang for a moment, his long curly bangs falling in front of his face. He felt a warmth spread from his stomach, up his neck, and land on his cheeks. The alcohol was starting to take its hold. He smiled slightly to himself knowing that in just a few short minutes he would be absolutely hammered and ready to take on a full day of courses.  
  
"Figured I'd find you here." Harry pulled his head up to see Niall standing over him, his large book bag slung over his shoulder.  
  
"You're a bloody genius mate. Sometimes I wonder how you do it." Harry laughed, slurring his words slightly through his sarcasm and letting his head hang again.  
  
"Drinking already?" Niall asked, knowing the answer, obviously.  
  
"Just a starter." Harry said shaking his curls out of his eyes, "Plenty more where that came from." He pushed his bag toward Niall causing it to tip as two more bottles rolled from it. Niall rolled his eyes and let out a disappointed sigh.  
  
"Do you really think its wise to drink so much?" Niall huffed, letting his bag slide form his shoulder and land on the ground at his feet.  
  
"This coming from an Irish man!" Harry wailed, laughing maniacally.  
  
"At least I don't have to get loaded at school. I wait for the weekend like normal people." Niall let his legs fold under him, sitting himself in front of the drunken boy.  
  
"Well, yay for you." Harry twirled a finger in front of the other boy's face in mock-celebration. "Gold star for Niall!" Harry laughed again, "Here's to you mate; the golden boy!" He held the bottle out as if doing a toast before gulping down the remaining contents. "And besides," Harry continued, burping again. "I'm not normal. I think that's been fucking firmly established at this point." Niall just shook his head at the increasing amount of slurring Harry was doing.  
  
"Why do you even need to get drunk before school? Doesn't that just make it worse?" Niall questioned.  
  
"Not when you have maths first. With fucking Mr. Ashmore." Harry's eyes went dark. "That bastard is a bloody bollocking twat, and a fucking piss poor excuse for a human being." Niall was always in disbelief at how such a shy and small lad could string such obscenities when he was drunk. Harry flung the empty bottle in his hand up over his head, aiming for the dumpster just next to him. He missed.  
  
"Only when you don't do your coursework. He's actually a really good teacher if you'd just pay attention." Niall stated very matter-of-factly.  
  
"Well, I don't do course work." Harry replied dryly, reaching for his bag and stuffing the bottles that had escaped back down inside it.  
  
"No, of course not. You'd rather party your arse off every night tight till you black out." Harry smiled widely. "Whether there is an actual party to go to or not." Niall added with a disapproving tone.  
  
"You only live once my friend." Harry sloppily unzipped a couple of pockets on his bag, rummaging for something with intense concentration.  
  
"Right, well it's almost half past." Niall stated, glancing at his watch, "We're gonna be late if we don't get on." Niall pushed himself off the ground and smoothed the trousers of his navy blue uniform before retrieving his bag and throwing it back on his shoulder with some effort. He held his hands out to Harry to help him off the ground.  
  
"Give me a second." Harry snapped, scowling at Niall's outstretched hands as he continued to fumble with his bag. "First thing's first." He said pulling a spliff from a pocket in his bag and placing it in his mouth, letting it hang from his lips as he retrieved a lighter.  
  
"You need to smoke to? Fuck's sake, Harry!" Niall threw his arms up in frustration.  
  
"Just a puff or two." Harry spat back defensively, "You need to relax. Maybe you need a hit too." Harry smiled coyly at the boy through his bangs. He flicked the lighter once, twice, three times without success, obviously too drunk for the task at hand. Harry groaned and rolled his head back to rest on the cool brick behind him. "Give me hand mate?" He asked staring up at Niall. Niall groaned and bent down to take the lighter from Harry. He clicked it once and a flame jumped out. He held it to the end of Harry's spliff and curled his other hand around it to block the wind. Harry puffed a few times before it lit completely. He pulled in deeply and let out a large cloud of smoke. He smiled up at Niall.  
  
"Thanks mate. You really are a pal, ya know that?" Niall shook his head.  
  
"Yeah, yeah. I know." He watched as Harry took another long drag, a simple smile playing on his lips as he giggled at himself. "Fuck it." Niall said reaching down and pulling the joint from his friend's mouth while Harry protested. Niall turned it toward himself and placed it between his lips sucking hard and coughing slightly as the smoke hit his lungs. He pursed his lips tight holding it in for a moment before letting it out again and tossing the joint to the ground, stepping it out.  
  
"There was still some perfectly good green in there man!" Harry yelled, pouting. "Could've saved that for lunch." Niall simply waved his hand at the boy and reached down to pull him up. As Harry struggled to his feet he fell forward onto Niall. Niall braced him and steadied him onto his feet, keeping his hands on Harry's waist to make sure he could stand. When he was sure he would stay upright Niall pulled his bag around and unzipped an outer pocket retrieving a small bottle of cologne and a pack of gum.  
  
"Here." he said thrusting both at Harry, "You smell like shit." Harry's hands fumbled with the small objects as he swayed a bit. He spritz himself quickly with the scent before handing the bottle back to Niall who did the same. Harry popped a piece of gum in his mouth and chewed lazily. Niall placed the objects back in his pack and replaced his hand on Harry's back, guiding him forward toward the front of the building. Harry slumped his shoulders forward and shuffled his feet half heartedly. Niall glanced quickly at his watch, they were late. He felt Harry struggle against his hold before the boy turned away from him.  
  
"This fucking blazer is too hot!" Harry exclaimed, removing the jacket with much effort.  
  
"You have to wear it Harry." Niall reminded him gently, but what did he care really? If Harry wanted to get in trouble for something as stupid as that then that was his problem. Niall couldn't do everything for the boy. He already did more than he thought he should and often tired of taking care of his friend. Harry only grumbled at his friend's words and worked his tie loose from his neck with a dramatic show of defiance. He pushed at the sleeves of his oxford till they were up around his elbows before raising his middle fingers toward the school. Niall just shook his head before small red gashes on Harry's arm caught his attention. He quickly stepped in front of Harry grabbing his arms and examining them. "What the fuck is this Harry?" he asked, anger reddening his pale face. Harry just pulled his arms away and huffed in response. "When did you do that Harry?" There was no response as Harry just stared down at the ground. Niall kept his eyes on him waiting for a reply. All he got was a simple shrug as Harry curled his body into himself trying to become invisible again, but he could never be invisible to Niall. "Christ! We talked about this, didn't we? You promised you wouldn't do that anymore. You do yourself enough harm with the drinking and drugs, you don't need to hurt yourself that way too!" Niall let out a loud shout in anger as he turned from Harry. "I don't know what to do with you anymore! Do you realize you don't just hurt yourself when you do shit like that? It hurts me too, ya know! Not that you would ever care, right? You're too busy being depressed and kicking yourself while you're down. You don't need even need bullies to hurt you and tell you you're shit. You do a good enough job of that on your own!"  
  
Harry clenched his jaw unable to look up and meet his friend's disappointed eyes. His face was hot with embarrassment. He never intended for Niall to see the fresh cuts. He hated himself for being stupid enough to forget about them and let his guard down. He quickly pushed his sleeves back down and moved forward rushing past Niall and rounding on the front of the building. Niall hurried after him and grabbed his arm, twirling the boy around to face him.  
  
"I'm sorry Harry." Harry didn't move. "Would you look at me please?" Harry's eyes scanned up to meet Niall's cautiously. "I didn't mean to lose my temper like that, I realize that's the last thing you need. It's an Irish thing." Niall laughed, trying to lighten the mood, but Harry's pained expression didn't budge. "It just makes me so frustrated that you felt like you had to do that when you could just talk to me. I know you don't like to express your feelings... I don't even know if you're capable, unless you're angry, but that isn't a way to deal with this shit, okay?" Harry didn't move. "Okay?!?" Niall pulled Harry's face up to meet his eyes again. He saw Harry's eyes soften for a second before he nodded slightly. Harry stared into Niall's eyes. They reminded him of someone. Had they always been blue? Could it be Harry had never noticed until now? A flash of another pair of blue eyes blazed through his mind, setting butterflies into flight in his stomach.  
  
Louis. Louis Tomlinson had blue eyes like that, but deeper, with more sparkle and mischief and... life. Harry felt a lump rise in his throat as his mouth went dry at the thought of those eyes. At the same time his heart dropped at the thought that he might never get to see them again, and as pretty as Niall's own were, they couldn't even begin to compare to Louis'. Those oceans of blue that had burned themselves into Harry's mind the night before as he laid in his bed, his hand moving quickly below his sheets as he chewed at his lip to keep from crying out. As beads of sweat began to form and fall form his forehead. As his toes curled and his body was set on fire. As he shot stream after stream of hot cum in ecstasy while Louis' name fell silently from his lips over and over again. As he laid, panting and spent in a pool of his own sticky mess. Those same vibrant orbs he thought of with a smile on his lips as he drifted off into sleep.  
  
"Would you stop looking at me like that Styles?" Niall's voice snapped him back to reality. "I mean, love you and all, but, seriously, not like that man." Niall patted his shoulder before brushing past him and making his way quickly up the large stone steps to the front doors. "Come on!" he shouted over his shoulder as Harry stood stuck to the ground in his place. The words were never heard as Harry's mind returned to those eyes, that smile, that skin... that ass. He groaned slightly as he felt his pants tighten. He slung his coat back over his shoulders and positioned his bag strategically in front of him before making his way up the steps to follow after Niall.  
This was going to be a long day.


	3. Chapter Three

Harry was glad that the day went by quickly and without confrontation. The booze he drank throughout the day kept his mind off of things that normally plagued him. It kept him in a complacent state that made school tolerable at the very least. A hangover was slowly taking over and Harry was beginning to feel like shit. He hurried down the main steps of the school and rounded to the side of the building where the student car park was. He peered out over the vast lot in front of him and watched as students hurried excitedly to their cars. He slumped back down in his familiar spot by the wall and waited for Niall. It was Monday so Niall always stayed late to receive guitar lessons from one of the music teachers at the school. Harry didn't have a car so he always depended on Niall to get him home. Even if Harry could drive he was usually to drunk or otherwise inebriated to do so himself so it was a good thing Niall never minded.  
  
He pulled another joint from his bag and lit it quickly, willing his head to stop pounding. A few large puffs and he was flying again. He rolled his head back smiling to himself as he returned to his safe world. The cool wind rushed past his ears creating a sense of calm. Laughter carried on the wind and tickled at his ears. The delightful sound made him smile to himself. He was all but completely lost to the world when something pulled him full tilt into reality.  
  
"Well, what do we have here Liam?" Harry jumped at the sound and his eyes flew open to see Zayn standing in front of him, his arms crossed and a maniacal smirk spread across his lips. "Having yourself a smoke faggot?" Zayn leaned down and pulled the spliff from Harry's fingers playing with it for a second before flicking it into Harry's face. The hot embers burned as they rolled off of his cheeks. He stood as quickly as possible and fumbled forward slightly. Zayn caught his shoulders and shoved him back against the wall.  
  
"Now, just where do you think you're going?" Liam asked. Harry hung his head, pulling his chin into his chest as tightly as he could. A loud smack reverberated off the wall and an immediate pain shot through Harry's right cheek as the back of Liam's hand connected with his face. "Fucking look at me when I'm talking to you!" Harry gritted his teeth and looked up slowly, meeting Liam's dark and angry eyes through his curls. "That's better." Liam smirked.  
  
"What do you want?" Harry asked quietly.  
  
"Just to have a little fun." Zayn replied, throwing a wicked glance at Liam.  
  
"Aren't you having fun?" Liam pushed Harry's shoulder roughly into the brick. Harry stood for a second staring past the boys, searching for a way out, before pushing off of the wall and trying to run. He made it only a few feet before Zayn was at his back, pulling him hard by his jacket. Harry fell back with a thud as he landed on the hard ground. His head spun from the contact, his vision going blurry for a moment before he felt a weight on his chest. He shook his head, focusing his eyes to see Zayn straddling him, pinning him to the ground.  
  
"Now, it's not nice to run from your friends, Styles." Zayn spat in his face. Harry flinched as the wetness hit him just below the eye and trailed down his left cheek. "Makes me feel unloved." Harry bucked his hips upward in an attempt to throw the boy off of him. Zayn was thrown off balance for a minute before sitting even harder on Harry's chest causing him to lose his breath for a minute. "You little shit!" Zayn yelled, connecting his hand with Harry's face once more. Harry let a sob fall from his lips as tears welled up and spilled from his eyes. He tasted the metallic twinge of blood in his mouth and coughed. He had all but given up hope of escaping this time and had settled into the fact that he was in for a beating again today. He closed his eyes tight and braced himself as he saw Zayn's hand raise above his head. He sent his mind off to his safe world while he waited for the next blow to land. This is how he always dealt with it, just wished himself away until the boys got bored and moved on. Sometimes he wished they wouldn't and would just fucking kill him already like they always threatened.  
  
He laid waiting for a blow that never came. Instead the weight was lifted from his chest.  
  
"Oi! Get the fuck off of him!" Harry's eyes shot open at the introduction of a new voice. He heard a scuffle around him. He looked up dazed to see Zayn and Liam walking away, clearly upset at the confrontation, shooting deadly daggers at him through their eyes. No one had ever stopped them before. No one cared enough about Harry to try. He let his eyes fall closed again as the pain in his face settled back in. Suddenly he felt warm soft hands land on his cheeks. He flinched away instinctively despite the hands' obvious aim to comfort.  
  
"Harry.... Harry?" A soft and comforting voice pulled at him from above. He let his eyes flutter open to see the most sparkling blue eyes.  
  
'Louis!' Harry thought as a tiny smile spread instantly across his lips, a small trickle of blood falling form the corner of his lips. Louis gasped at the sight and wiped it away with his hand. He felt Louis' hand trail up his face to push his hair out of his eyes, just as he had done the other day when they first met. The beautiful boy smiled back down at him, but there was sadness in his eyes.  
  
"Are you alright?" He asked gently, his voice sounding almost like a song. Harry could only nod. "Are you sure?" Harry nodded again. "Do you think you can get up?" Another nod. Louis stepped back and held his hands out. Harry took them quickly and allowed himself to be pulled to his feet. The blood rushed up and he swayed as his head swam. His knees shook and gave out underneath him. Louis caught him and pulled him tight to his chest, wrapping his arms around him completely and holding him there. Harry let himself melt into Louis' grip as he found his footing again. Louis pulled him tighter and stroked at his hair, entwining his fingers amongst his curls. It had an immediate calming effect on the young boy. The next thing Harry knew he was sobbing against the older boys chest, and he didn't know if it was from the beating he just took or the kindness he was now being shown by a near stranger. He expected it was some combination of both.  
  
Louis pulled away from him and tilted his head up to meet his eyes. Harry saw a smile play on his lips through his teary haze. Louis brought a thumb up to wipe at Harry's eyes, being careful not to touch too hard on the still tender skin around his left eye where just a couple of days before Zayn had landed a punch.  
Louis was taken aback by the large green eyes that stared helplessly up at him. Even filled with tears they were absolutely stunning. Surprisingly large and a bright green color with dark undertones and hints of golden flecks. His breath caught in his throat and a small choking noise escaped his mouth. Harry just continued to stare, seemingly transfixed. By what, Louis had no idea.  
  
"Do you wanna go somewhere?" Louis whispered. Harry didn't know what to say, he was mesmerized by the way Louis' soft pink lips moved when he spoke. He could only nod again. Louis kept a hand on his back as he led Harry across the car park to where his Mini sat waiting. He unlocked the passenger door and opened it, helping Harry in. He made his way quickly to the driver side and slid into his seat. He sat for a minute looking at Harry who only hung his head looking miserable, curled so far into himself he almost disappeared into the seat. Louis sighed unsure of what to say as he started the car and pulled quickly from the lot.  
  
Harry brought his head up to rest against the window watching as the town flew quickly passed his window. They drove for what seemed like forever as the buildings of the town were replaced with clear blue sky and trees. Harry didn't think he had ever travelled so far out of town before. He knew that he should probably be terrified that a stranger was driving him into the country, but somehow he trusted the boy behind the wheel without knowing why. It was a sense of comfort that the boy brought to him, a warmth he had never experienced before. He turned his head slightly to look at Louis who was concentrated on the road in front of him, his brow furrowed as if he was in deep thought. Louis' eyes flicked over to glance at Harry and a smile spread to his eyes as he saw the young boy staring at him before returning his eyes to the road.  
  
They pulled off the road they were on and headed down a long winding dirt path. Harry's eyes darted around as they went deeper into the woods. After another five minutes of driving they came into a large clearing and Louis pulled the car over and slowed to a stop, shutting the engine off. They sat silently for a moment as Louis searched Harry's face for something. Harry felt Louis' eyes on him but couldn't bring himself to meet their gaze. Louis exited the car and made his way around the front to Harry's door. He opened it and held his hand out to Harry with a smile. Harry stared at it for a moment before taking it and allowing himself to be pulled from the car.  
  
The fresh, musky air hit Harry's nose and he inhaled deeply, feeling a sense of calm and relief. He looked around where they had parked to see that they were in a large clearing almost entirely circled by tree. A few yards in front of him he spotted sparkling crystal clear water. Louis watched as Harry took it all in, smiling at the boy's wide eyed amazement.  
  
"You like it?" Louis asked squeezing Harry's hand gently. Harry nodded slowly still looking around and taking everything in.  
  
"Where.. are we?" Harry choked out.  
  
"A place I used to come with my mom as a kid. We'd have a picnic here," he indicated the vast green grass in front of him, "and then go for a swim in the lake over there." he pointed toward the sparkling water.  
  
"We're going swimming?" Harry asked quizzically. Louis let out a loud laugh that echoed off the wall of trees around them.  
  
"No! I just thought it would be a nice quiet place we could get away for a bit, ya know? Walk along the beach. Maybe talk." Harry met the boys eyes again for the first time since they left the school.  
  
"You want to talk... to me?" Harry was completely bewildered. No one ever wanted to talk to him.  
  
"You look like you could use someone to talk to." Louis smiled comfortingly and started to pull Harry along toward the beach. Harry had totally forgotten that their hands were still connected, not entwined, but touching none the less. The touch sent a warmth up Harry's arm. They strolled casually along, both silent for minute before Harry felt a buzzing in his pocket. He jumped at the unexpected interruption and pulled his hand from Louis' searching quickly for his phone. He flipped on the screen to see a text from Niall waiting for him.

Niall: Where are you? Are you ok???  
  
Harry groaned at the message, he had completely forgotten about Niall when he saw Louis. Niall was no doubt freaking out at the fact that Harry was missing, probably assuming the worst. He quickly tapped out a message:  
  
'Sorry mate! I'm fine. Got a ride from someone else.'  
  
Niall: Someone else? Who? Where are you?  
  
'Louis Tomlinson. Not really sure where we are to be honest'  
  
Niall: I don't know who that is. Doesn't make me feel better that you dont know where you are. You sure you're ok?  
  
'yeah, I'm fine really. Ill call you later. Please dont worry.'  
  
Harry returned his phone to his pocket and looked back at Louis apologetically.  
  
"Who was that?" Louis asked.  
  
"My friend Niall. He was supposed to give me a ride home today so he was kind of freaking out when I wasn't there." Louis pouted apologetically. Harry shrugged and continued to follow Louis toward the lake. They emerged from the thick trees onto a small sandy beach. A cold wind whirled off of the lake causing Harry to shiver as he watched Louis remove his Toms, wiggling his toes in the soft white sand. The sun hit his tanned skin making him glow before Harry's eyes as he stretched his arms above his head, exposing the most tantalizing strip of skin just above his jeans. Harry stared, licking and biting at his lips.  
  
"See something you like?" Louis asked coyly, snapping Harry out of his daze and causing him to blush furiously. He dropped his eyes immediately and kicked at his own shoes trying to remove them. When he looked up Louis was standing barely a foot in front of him with a broad smile, flashing brilliant white teeth. "Walk with me Curly." he said and began to make his way down the beach along the water's edge. Harry scurried forward following just behind Louis. He followed in silence as Louis pranced about, dipping his feet in the freezing water and soaking in the sun, shooting glances back at Harry as he lolled along behind him. Harry watched in amazement at the freedom the boy displayed, clearly comfortable with who he was. It made him wish he could be the same way. How could Louis be so care free and sure of himself? Didn't he have the same conflicts, both internal and external that Harry did? That was, as Harry naturally assumed, if Louis was in fact also gay. Harry walked up slowly to Louis who had settled some feet way from him on a large tree trunk that seemed to have been rotting on the beach for decades.  
  
Louis smiled up at him as he approached, patting the log next to him so Harry would take a seat. Harry sunk down on the log awkwardly and kicked at the sand.  
  
"Harry, are you sure you're okay?" Louis asked, his voice thick with concern. "Like, really? I don't just mean physically. You seem dark and haunted. Like you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders." Harry turned to look at Louis through his thick fringe and shrugged slightly.  
  
"I'm fine." Harry said smoothly, rehearsed. They were words he hid behind on a daily basis, whether it was in answer to his mother or Niall.  
  
"No, you're not. Please don't say that. Don't lie to me." Louis set a hand on Harry's knee and frowned at him. "I really want me to tell you what's wrong. Why do you let people treat you the way that they do? No one deserves that." He squeezed Harry's knee and rubbed his thigh slightly before removing his hand.  
  
"I do." Louis squinted his eyes and shook his head slightly at the boy. "I'm worthless... I always have been. Why do you care anyway? You don't know me." Harry turned his face away and peered off into the trees where a large flock of birds took flight, soaring up toward the bright blue sky. He watched them for a second, admiring their freedom.  
  
"I'd like to though. I want to know you, Harry." Harry turned back to him blinking in confusion. "When I look in your eyes, look deeply into them, I see a life there, a lightness, a passion and fire. I also see that that flame is all but burned out. I don't want to let that happen, Harry. I don't think you realize the person you could be if you stopped hating yourself." Harry was dumbfounded that a complete stranger could have such confidence in him when he had none. He had no self worth, yet here was a boy telling him he was worth everything, that he actually had a reason to fight for his shitty life. What was it that he saw exactly? Harry had no clue.  
  
"How do you know that?" Harry asked quietly, staring into Louis' eyes.  
  
"Because, things weren't always so easy for me either. My childhood was as rough as your life is now. I knew from a young age that I was different from the other boys in my class. I didn't know that it was something to hide though, and people hated me for being myself. I was tormented just like you are now." Louis confessed. Harry couldn't believe that someone who seemed to not have a care in the world could have ever been treated the way he is. How was he so strong now? "I just didn't let them keep me down. I found courage in myself to fight back, to stand up to them and live my life. No matter what everyone else thought, I was going to be me without regret, shame, or apologies. Once I made that decision it was easy. Once they realized that tormenting me wasn't going to change the way I acted or take my confidence from me they gave up. There was nothing to be earned by hurting me so they let me go on living my life. You need to do that now Harry. Forget about them and do what you need to do. Once they see that they can't keep you down everything will be better." Harry doubted this immensely. He had tried, at one point, to be strong and stand up for himself. It only made people more desperate to knock him down and keep him there. It was then that he slid into the darkness he was lost in now.  
  
"I can't do that, Louis. I'm not as strong as you." Harry turned away from Louis again. "I'm not as sure of myself as you are. I haven't accepted myself like you have. I still go to bed each night wishing I was someone else; wishing I didn't feel the way I do. I honestly hate who I am... what I am." Harry felt tears burn at the back of his eyes at this confession. He had never let his guard down with anyone, even Niall didn't know how deeply Harry's hurt ran, how much it nagged at him constantly, sometimes causing him to be physically ill. This is why he turned to substance abuse and self harm. It kept his mind from dwelling on the things he hated about himself, gave him a sense of freedom, a sense of relief from his pain.  
  
"And just what do you think you are?" Louis asked quietly, sincerely. Harry turned back to him, blinking quickly, not sure how to answer. He chewed his lip for a moment as his mind searched for how he really felt about himself. He felt the need to be completely honest at this point as Louis had been so honest with him.  
"I'm... nothing. Just a stupid fucking faggot, like everyone says. I have no right to be alive. I don't even have enough confidence in myself to take my own life. That's how pathetic I am. It's true. I know it is. That's why I can't accept it. I'm awkward and pointless and hopeless." Louis' face dropped at these words, his eyes softening as he saw tears start to fall from Harry's eyes again.  
  
"You're not though. I don't ever want to hear you talk about ending your life ever again. I don't want you to even think that is an option for you, because it's not! Harry, you're beautiful. You're one of the most beautiful people I have ever seen." He reached a hand out to brush away the tears that were streaming down Harry's cheeks silently. Tears Harry didn't even realize were falling. Crying was something Harry did so frequently he sometimes didn't realize it was happening. He shuddered at Louis' hands on his face as his raw skin caught fire under the touch. "And I don't just mean physically by the way." Louis smiled again with a small laugh. "I honestly believe you are a beautiful person on the inside. You just need to believe it. I think you have more to offer then you could ever know. I want to help you see that, if you'll let me." He grabbed Harry's hands from his lap and cradled them in his own. Harry felt a shuddering sob climb up his throat and sputter from his lips. How could Louis be this amazingly perfect? Not only was he gorgeous but he was an incredible person who made Harry feel like maybe he was worth something for the first time in his life... just maybe though.  
  
"Are you saying you... want to be my friend?" Harry couldn't fathom why Louis would want that. He had a bad habit of bringing those who tried to get close to him down with him. Although Niall was still happy and carefree and confident, he definitely didn't use drugs and the like before Harry started. He regretted being such a bad influence on him, but at the same time was glad to have someone to indulge with him once in a while. Louis simply smiled at him.  
  
"At least. To start with any way." Harry played the words over again trying to find the hidden-in-plain-site meaning behind them. Harry couldn't think about being anything more than friends with anyone. He never had been and couldn't start now when he was in such a dark place, when he hated himself so much. Didn't they always say that if you can't love yourself, how in the hell are you going to love anybody else? He knew that had to be true. How could he let anyone into his heart when even he didn't allow himself in; blocking himself constantly from his emotions. He frowned at Louis and turned from him, standing from where he sat and walking a few paces away. Louis looked after him, confused before moving to him.  
  
Harry felt Louis' hand land on his back and turned to him, his head down, staring at his bare feet nestled in the soft warm sand.  
  
"I'm sorry Harry. I didn't mean to be so forward, it's part of my personality, I'm blunt, I say what's on my mind without filter, and I'm sassy and sarcastic. Some people think that makes me a bitch." Harry felt him shake slightly with silent laughter. Louis saw the tension on Harry's face as Harry chewed nervously at his bottom lip till he broke the skin slightly. "You've never had a boyfriend, have you?" Louis asked quietly. Harry shook his head not looking up. "Ever been on a date even?" Harry shook his head again.  
  
"I've never even been kissed... not properly anyway." He looked up slightly to catch Louis' eye for a moment before pulling his head back down.  
  
"What do you mean 'properly'?" Louis asked a little baffled by Harry's chosen wording. Harry shrugged again and turned slightly to face the water.  
  
"I mean... the only time I've ever kissed anyone was... when I'm at parties and I'm completely off my mind. I don't even really remember it usually." Louis nodded slightly in understanding. "Its also the only time I've ever..." Harry broke off unable to finish his thought. Louis stepped in front of him and pulled his face up to meet his eyes once more.  
  
"The only time you've ever what, Harry?" Harry shook his head from Louis' grasp and turned around again, taking a few steps away. Louis saw his shoulders rise as he took in a deep breath and then fall as he let it out with a huge sigh.  
  
"It's the only time I've ever... had sex." Louis' eyes went wide at the confession. "I don't usually remember that either, I just know it's happened. It only makes me hurt more. It makes me feel like the only reason anyone does it is because I'm an easy target. They take advantage of me, I know they do. Not that I complain or try to fight them off, I know that while it's happening it's the only time I feel wanted by anyone." Louis almost couldn't contain his tears at the sadness and hopelessness in Harry's words. They were hollow and disconnected. How anyone could take advantage of such a sweet innocent boy he would never understand. When all he wanted to do when he looked into his big beautiful eyes was pull him close and keep him safe and warm. Louis couldn't deny his attraction to the younger boy, even his lust for him, but that wasn't what he really wanted. He wanted to protect him, to set him free. He watched as Harry's head dropped and his shoulders shook as he began to cry again. Louis rushed forward and turned the boy toward him, pulling tightly into his chest and wrapping his arms tightly around his shoulders, his hand weaving into his curls to pull his head close to his chest. He heard loud sobs coming from the boy as he shook almost violently against his chest. Louis couldn't help but press soft kisses to his head as he smoothed his hair with his hands. Harry's arms wrapped tightly around Louis' waist pulling himself closer and gripping Louis' t-shirt in his hands.  
  
"I am so sorry Harry. I am so sorry that has happened to you. I promise I won't let you be hurt anymore, okay?" He whispered. "I will protect you, okay? I will, I will, I will." Louis' own tears began to fall down his cheeks. "I promise."  
  
"Please... don't tell... anyone Louis! Please!" Harry sputtered between sobs.  
  
"I would never do that. Never. Please trust me." Louis felt Harry collapse under him and slowly lowered both of them to the sand. He moved Harry off of him for a second, sitting down fully before he let harry fall back against him, practically sitting in his lap as he comforted the curly haired boy. Louis looked out across the water where the sun began to set as Harry cried softly on his shoulder. In that moment Louis vowed to himself to do whatever it took to help Harry. If it took everything he had he would make him happy.  
  
He would be his saviour.


	4. Chapter Four

The street lamp buzzed loudly above Harry, casting a yellowish glow around him as he stood on the curb around the corner from his house waiting for Niall to pick him up. His palms were sweaty and his body was shaking sightly as he stared up at the light, watching it glow brighter and dim again as if it was breathing. Harry stared wide-eyed in amazement at the light and its beautiful glow. He smiled widely and laughed a choked chuckle that barely made it out of his throat. He was completely transfixed when Niall's car slid up to the curb. Harry continued to stare skyward when the loud blast of Niall's horn startled him from his trance. He dropped his head and swayed forward, catching himself on the car door and pulling it open.

 

"Be a little louder would ya? Not like I'm trying to sneak out or anything." Harry said sliding into his seat. Niall glanced at him noticing his impressively dilated pupils.

 

"Maybe if you weren't blown out of your mind and paying attention I wouldn't have had to do that." Niall said sarcastically, rolling his eyes. "What did you take, Harry?" Niall watched as Harry's head swung lazily from side to side, grinning widely, before his head snapped up to look at Niall as if the question had just registered. Harry shrugged letting out a sigh.

 

"Some uppers, some downers.... some inbetweeners..." Harry let his head roll back laughing loudly. Niall shook his head at his friend's terrible joke.

 

"Well, you're not drinking tonight." Niall glanced at Harry who had his head rested on his window, staring at the passing lights with his mouth hanging open wide. "Did you hear me Harry? Not one drink. I don't know what you took and I will definitely be too trashed to take you to the hospital should something happen to you." Harry's head swung back over to look at Niall.

 

"You worry too much Nialler. I'll be fine. Trust me, I know what I'm doing." Niall sighed, returning his focus to the road ahead of them as they sped along heading about two towns over. They typically went to other towns to party as Harry obviously didn't get a long with most people at their school so they rarely went to the parties any of them threw, but outside of their town Harry didn't have the reputation he did here. Though he wasn't the most popular kid at the party he was able to go through the night without much confrontation. It allowed him to party all he wanted while Niall could keep an eye on him, so long as he didn't get too drunk, which was typically the case. Harry had been drinking and popping pills for long enough so Niall couldn't deny he knew what he was doing at this point, and although the urge to push himself further, to take more, was strong at times he also wasn't stupid so he knew when to stop. This didn't keep Niall from worrying occasionally that Harry would accidentally get carried away.

 

"What happened to your face by the way?" Niall asked finally noticing the slight bruising on his cheeks. "That Louis guy didn't do that did he? Because if he did I'll kick his ass." Harry laughed at that. Niall couldn't kick anyone's ass; he was far to small to be much of a threat. This is why even though he had wanted to on several occasions he had nothing to either Zayn or Liam. Harry didn't fault him for this in the least, Harry never did anything about it either and he was at least a couple of inches taller than both of the boys. 

 

"No, he would never do that! He saved me from them Niall." Harry said breathlessly.

 

"Saved you? From who?" Niall didn't have to ask, he knew the answer, but he just wanted to make sure nobody else was terrorizing Harry as well.

 

"Zayn and Liam, they hit me, they pinned me down, Zayn spat in my face; same shit different day." Niall clenched his jaw at these words, anger flaring in his eyes. "Louis is so sweet though, Niall! And beautiful... really, really beautiful. So fucking beautiful." Harry returned to gazing out the window at the town rushing past. "Everything is... beautiful." Niall rolled his eyes. 

 

They drove for another few moments while Niall laughed at Harry's observations of the increasingly surreal world around him. Finally they pulled up in front of a large white house that looked mostly dark from the outside, except for a few flashing colored lights flicking past the windows every couple of seconds. Both boys exited the car quickly and made their way up the small path to front door. They could already feel the bass of the music pounding in their chests as they approached. Harry staggered slightly trying to make it up the couple of steps to the door, but Niall quickly helped guide him with one hand on his back. Niall opened the door in front of them and allowed Harry to enter first.

 

The energy that struck Harry was immediately intoxicating as he entered the small entry way that opened into a much larger parlor where teens were throwing back drinks, smoking mass amounts of spliff, doing lines off of a long glass table, and grinding relentlessly to the throbbing bass. Harry nearly squealed with excitement. There was nowhere he felt more comfortable than at a rager like this. 

 

"I need a drink." Niall said, standing on his tip toes to speak directly into Harry's ear so he could hear him over the noise. Niall brushed past him and Harry immediately grabbed onto his hand letting Niall lead him toward the back of the house where they found the kitchen. There were a couple of other people there and one of them turned when they heard them enter, a smile emerging when he saw Niall.

 

"Nialler! How have you been mate? Haven't see you in ages!" Jamie said, pulling Niall into a large hug. Niall politely returned it.

 

"I've been great, man. How are things?" Jamie smiled and nodded indicating everything was good. "You remember Harry, don't you?" Jamie looked up from Niall's face to see Harry standing a couple of steps behind, a small crooked smile on his lips as he scanned the room.

 

"Of course! Harry, mate, how you doing?" Harry didn't answer. His head continued to swivel in all directions as he took everything in. Jamie shot a confused glance at Niall.

 

"He's good, just fucked up." Niall clarified, Jamie smiled and nodded in understanding.

 

"I take it you'll be wanting a drink then?" Jamie asked. Niall nodded enthusiastically.

 

"You know me too well!"

 

"Well, you are an irishman after all." They both laughed. "So, what'll it be?" Jamie asked as he gestured toward a large display of various bottles of hard liquor.

 

"I'll just take a beer if you've got that." Jamie beamed at him.

 

"A man after my own heart!" Jamie fluttered his eyes at Niall, laughing, as he turned toward the fridge and threw the door open. He retrieved two bottles and popped the tops off, handing one to Niall and taking a swig from the other. "Anything for your friend?" Jamie asked, gesturing toward Harry. 

 

"No, he's had enough as it is." Niall said as Harry finally seemed to gain focus on them and began walking over. "How you doing Harry?" Niall asked as he threw an arm over Harry's shoulder. Harry answered by letting a stupid grin spread over his face. "Awesome. Remember Jamie?" Harry let his eyes wander over to the boy and took a moment to focus on his face.

 

"Yeah, hey!" Harry said in a dream like voice. "He's a cool guy." Niall and Jamie both laughed.

 

"I'm glad you think so little man." Jamie was obviously referring to Harry's age, as he stood a couple inches taller then both Jamie and niall, though he was a couple years younger then Jamie. 

 

"Hey sexy! Long time no see!" Harry felt hands slink around his waist and turned to see a small blonde girl standing behind him.

 

"Hey Shawna. How are you doing?" Harry asked with a sly smile as he recognized the girl.

 

"So much better now that you showed up. The rest of the guys here are so lame!" She rolled her eyes and latched herself onto Harry, flashing flirty eyes at him as she pushed her hands up his shirt and licked her lips seductively. 

 

Niall just shook his head at the girls desperation. Clearly she was drunk and trying too hard to get into a gay man's pants. It didn't bother Niall, if he knew anything about Shawna it was that she was highly persistent. She would keep Harry occupied for the night allowing Niall some freedom to party on his own for a while without having to worry too much. Niall watched as she backed Harry up to the counter, giggling ridiculously at everything the boy said. Niall just shook his head as he followed Jamie out of the kitchen, glancing back once to see Shawna working her fingers through Harry's curls trying her best to pull him down to kiss her. He knew Harry would eventually oblige as making out with girls was one of his favorite past times when at a party, like any other good gay boy Niall supposed. Harry always said he would be the world's biggest ladies man if he were straight, and Niall couldn't deny that fact.

_______________________

 

Louis was sat spread out on his couch in front of the T.V. flipping through the channels rapidly, not registering what was even on before going to the next program. His mind was too overwhelmed with other thoughts to care about mindless dribble on the telly. Thoughts that centered around green eyes and flowing, curly, chocolate brown hair. Harry hadn't left his mind since he got home from dropping him off earlier that evening. He still couldn't get Harry's confession and his tears to leave the front of his mind. It was because of this he felt completely miserable. He felt nearly helpless, unsure exactly how to comfort the boy. They had sat on the beach till Harry's tears ran dry and the sun had all but disappeared on the horizon. Louis enjoyed the warmth he felt when he held Harry, but couldn't help wishing it wasn't while Harry was crying against him. He knew he wanted to take Harry back to that beach one day, to enjoy that sunset with a different ending. To light a small bonfire and sit cuddled up under a blanket as they whispered loving words and kissed each other gently, the sun casting beautiful pink hues over the younger boys porcelain skin as it set in the distance. Louis also knew that that was a long way off if it was ever going to happen at all.

 

Harry was broken and fragile. Louis would have to help rebuild him before he could even think of making a move on him. He had already been kicking himself for making such cheeky comments and being so forward with him that day. Had he known just how truly troubled Harry was, how terrible any intimacy- if you could call it that even- was for the boy he would have kept it all in his mind. Even though that was a near impossible feat for him. Louis had always spoken his mind, whether people wanted to hear it or not. He would have tried for Harry though. He would give anything he could to that boy if he knew it would give him even a moment of peace and happiness, of relief from his pain. 

 

"Tea mate?" Louis was startled out of his daze to see his roommate Jasper standing in front of him with two steaming mugs in his hands. 

 

"I didn't ask for-" Louis began

 

"You didn't have too. Lou, you look downright miserable, and what are best friends for if they can't cheer you up, yeah?" Jasper sat down next to him, setting their mugs on the small coffee table in front of them. "Now, tell me all about him." Louis eyes went wide in shock.

 

"Him? How did you know it was about a boy?" Jasper laughed for a second before pulling Louis tightly into his side and wrapping his arms around his shoulder.

 

"It's always a boy. Although usually you are the one doing the heart breaking!" Louis sighed and rested his head on Jasper's chest, snuggling up under his arm for a second. "So, tell me what happened boo." Jasper leaned forward to grab his mug and blew away the steam drifting up from it as Louis readjusted on the couch, grabbing a pillow and hugging it to his chest as he curled his legs up underneath him.

 

"I don't even know where to start." Louis confessed with a frown.

 

"How about you tell me his name?" Jasper suggested as he took a sip from his mug, wincing as the liquid burned his throat.

 

"His name is Harry Styles. He goes to our school actually." Jasper furrowed his brow as he tried to place the name before shrugging.

 

"Never heard of him."

 

"He's younger than us." Louis replied simply

 

"Hmm, you don't usually go for younger, I thought older was more your style." Louis rolled his eyes at him. "So, what's so special about this boy then?" Louis groaned and tossed the pillow he was holding aside. He ran his hands through his hair for a moment before leaning forward to grab his tea and took a cautious sip before sitting back on the couch again.

 

"He's incredibly perfect. He's sweet and shy and beautiful. God, Jas, you have no idea how beautiful he is. He has the most gorgeous green eyes I have ever seen. And he has this all curly brown hair that falls perfectly around his face and he constantly has to flip it out of his eyes. It's so adorable. Don't even get me started on his lips, soft pink, big and, honestly, the most perfect shape you've ever seen. His skin is so pale and flawless..." Louis drifted off in thought.

 

"Makes you kind of want to leave sexy bruises all over it, huh?" Jasper nudged at Louis with his elbow. 

 

"Jas, no! It isn't like that. At all! Okay?" Louis grabbed the pillow he had been holding and hit Jasper over the head with it.

 

"Okay, okay! What's it like then? He sounds perfect, I don't know why you're so down about it." 

 

"It's not that I don't want to do those things with him, because I do. I just know he isn't ready. He's in a really rough spot, Jas. He's a lot like where I was when we first met." Jasper's eyes went wide and he nodded, remembering how unhappy Louis was when they had met. "But, it's so much worse. Like, imagine how I would be now if it had never stopped. If everything had just continued that way."

 

"I can't. Honesty, I can't imagine what that would be like; what would have happened to you. I don't want to think about it." Jasper closed his eyes tight trying hard to not think about it.

 

"Well, that's where Harry is at. He's so damaged, and tortured. He's lost, Jas, he's completely lost in this darkness, this sorrow. I can see it in his eyes, I can hear it in his voice. It's in the way he moves. He flinches at even the slightest touch. Just today I had to pull two guys off of him that were trying to pound his face in!" Louis' eyes started to burn a little as he thought back to the scene, Running as fast as possible from across the parking lot as Harry was helplessly thrown to the ground and pinned down. His attackers bearing down on him relentlessly. Louis closed his eyes, willing himself to forget the horrific scene.

 

"That's terrible, Lou! Two on one, must be some tough guys." Jasper threw out sarcastically. Louis nodded in agreement, sipping more of his tea as he stared blankly ahead.

 

"I just want to help him, ya know. More than anything I want to keep him safe and make sure he's happy. I know he deserves it, more than anything. I really want to be the one to make him happy. Does that sound stupid?" He looked over at Jas to see him smiling back. 

 

"No, Lou, that's not stupid. Not at all. I can tell you actually care about him, deeply. Which is more than I can say for some of the guys you've dated." Louis groaned and rolled his eyes.

 

"Don't remind me." 

 

"If anyone can make him happy I am sure that it's you. No one has a bigger heart or better intentions than you." Jasper pulled Louis back to his chest, nuzzling his face in his hair. "You're an amazing person Louis and I love you for that. I am sure he will too. You make me happy everyday by just being my friend. I am sure he'll feel the same way eventually." Louis was so glad to have Jasper, he never failed to make Louis feel like an amazing person, a better person than he thought he was. This is why they became such close friends. They made each other happy and made them both want to be better people everyday of their lives.

 

Louis took a large gulp of his tea before placing the cup back on the table. He stretched his arms and yawned widely. 

 

"I'm exhausted, I think I'm going to turn in. Thanks for the tea and the talk, mate." Louis said as he stood form the couch.

 

"Anytime, you know that." Jasper turned to face the T.V. as he picked up the remote. Louis shuffled toward the hallway in front of him. "Hey, Lou?" Louis turned back for a moment and raised his eyebrows at Jasper. "I love you, boo. Don't forget that." Louis smiled.

 

"I love you too, Jazzy." He turned down the hallway and opened the door to his room. He walked across the dark room to flip on the small light on his desk. He pulled his shirt over his head and shimmied his pants off of his legs before leaping onto his bead and burying his face in his pillow. He flipped his duvet on top of him and snuggled further into the warmth, reaching out to flip his desk light off. He let his mind wander to Harry's green eyes, imagining them dark with lust. Just because he couldn't actually make a move doesn't mean he couldn't dream about it right?

 

He imagined Harry below him, his hair spread out on the pillow around his head as he stared up at Louis, biting his plump lips as Louis moved over him, into him. Louis groaned as his boxers tightened around his stiffening cock. He flopped onto his back and moved his hands down his body, pulling his dick free of his shorts. He kept those eyes locked in his mind as he moved his hand faster and faster. He imagined Harry keening below him, letting soft sighs and moans fall from his beautiful mouth. He thought about those lips attaching to his own, to his neck, to his chest, to his cock. He imagined Harry sucking him as he looked up with his green eyes and Louis gripped his curls in his hands, moving them out of his face so he could get a better look at the boy working on him. Louis' toes curled as he stroked himself, trying hard to hold back loud moans he knew were on the tip of his tongue. He worked himself faster and was about to release. He gasped, shutting his eyes tight as he prepared to let the ecstasy take over him.

 

A loud, blaring ring sounded in his room and he was so startled he nearly screamed. He breathed laboriously as he swore into the dark. He looked over to his night stand to see his phone's screen glowing brightly. He leaned over to grab it.

 

"Who the fuck-" he stopped when he saw the name on the screen.

 

'Harry'.

 

He swallowed hard and and answered the call.

 

"Hello? Harry?"

 

"Louis? Louis is that you?" It was Harry. He didn't sound right though. His voice was shallow and slow, almost a whisper.

 

"Harry, it's me, are you alright?" Louis couldn't help the panic that made it's way into his voice.

 

"No... I'm... I'm scared Louis. I think I need your help." Harry's words were choppy and disjointed.

 

"What do you mean? What happened Harry?" Louis was out of his bed in a flash.

 

"I don't know... I took... pills. There were lots... of... pills... Louis I don't know what to do." Harry's voice was fading more.

 

"What kind of pills Harry? What did you take?" Louis was pacing his room, trying to figure out how to help.

 

"I don't know. He... he gave them to me... I thought... I thought they'd make me feel good, but I think...." Louis waited for Harry's voice to come back but it didn't.

 

"Harry? Harry! I need you to talk to me! Please, Harry, please! I need you to stay with me okay? Harry?" Louis was in full on panic mode now.

 

"Louis... is that... you?... Are you there?" Louis breathed a sigh of relief as tears began to stream down his cheeks. He had never been so terrified in his life.

 

"Yes, Harry, it's me. I'm here. I'm here, I promise. I just need you to tell me where you are. Can you do that please?"

 

"I'm at a party... Niall took me to Bristol... to a party... This guy gave me pills Louis... I took them and then he tried... he tried to.... but I locked myself in... I'm sorry Louis."

 

"Don't be sorry Harry. You have nothing to be sorry for, but I need you to focus now. I need you tell me where you are so I can help you."

 

"Yeah, I'm in Bristol."

 

"I know Harry, but do you know where in Bristol? 

 

"A white house... a big white house."

 

"Okay, good Harry. Do you know an address or a street or anything? Is there a park nearby or something?"

 

"No park." Harry was beginning to fade again

 

"Harry wake up! Do you remember a street? That's all I need! Just give me a street, please!"

 

"I remember a sign...." Louis waited. Nothing.

 

"Good Harry, what did the sign say? Please remember."

 

"West... Westbourne Place." Louis felt another flood of relief; at least he had a starting point. He was pulling his shirt over his head and his pants back on as he made his way out of his room and down the hall to the living room where Jasper was still sat on the couch. Jasper stood up immediately at the tears and panic on Louis' face. 

 

"Can you remember anything else Harry? Any other signs?" 

 

"Queen's Road... I think I remember Queens Road... I'm getting really tired Louis.... My head doesn't feel right..."

 

"I'm on my way okay? Just please, please try and stay with me okay? Can you try and throw up maybe? Get the pills out of you?" He searched for his keys frantically, finding them on the floor next to the table in their kitchen. 

 

"What's going on? Where are you going?" Jasper had followed Louis into the kitchen

 

"Harry's in trouble. I need to go get him." Louis replied, trying to hold himself together, but his whole body was shaking.

 

"Well, I'm coming with you. I'll drive." Jasper said disappearing from the kitchen.

 

"I'm too tired... too late for that... I need to sleep... I think." Harry said through the phone.

 

"No Harry stay with me. I'm on my way. I'm not going to hang up, I need to hear your voice okay? Can you keep talking for me?"

 

"I'll try... but... I'm really tired... Louis... I'm scared." He heard Harry let out a small sob. He ran to the front door where Jasper was standing holding it open for him.

 

"I know. I know you're scared, but I'm coming okay? I'm coming and everything will be fine. Do you understand? I am not going to let anything happen to you. I promise Harry. Do you believe me?" They made their way down a couple of flights of stairs from their flat to the front door and out into the cold night air.

 

"Yes Louis... I do... Just... hurry please. I don't think I can stay awake.... much longer."

 

"Just try for me okay? Stay awake for me. I need you Harry. I can't let anything happen to you. I'll save you I promise." Louis sunk into the car telling Jasper where to go and immediately Jasper was racing down the street, no regard for any speed limit at all. "Harry are you there?" There was only silence. "Harry answer me please." Still no response from the other end. Louis' mind was racing as Jasper shot a worried glance at him and pushed the car even faster. Louis waited for anything, any sound to know Harry was still there. He got nothing. His eyes burned as more tears fell, speeding down his face as fast as they were driving.

 

"HARRY!" Louis screamed into the night as the car sped ever faster toward the boy with green eyes.


	5. Chapter Five

It had been nearly ten minutes since Louis had lost contact with Harry and he was on the verge of total hyperventilation, dialing and redialing Harry's number over and over. Jasper was growing more and more concerned that Louis might just pass out from fear and panic. The whole ride Louis had been screaming at him to go faster and Jasper was concerned about getting ticketed for reckless endangerment if he drove any faster. They blew through traffic signs and took corners too tightly, but finally they pulled onto Westbourne Place off of Queen's Road. Thank the stars Harry had the names right.  
  
"It's a white house, a big white house!" Louis shouted as he searched the houses lining the street.  
  
"Calm down, we'll find him. We're here, and we'll find him. You just need to relax okay?" Jasper was trying his best to reason with Louis but he could see there would be no calming him till he knew Harry was alright.  
  
"There!" Louis shouted as he spotted the large white house on the corner. "Stop! Stop now!" Louis was practically out the door before they had even slowed. Jasper slammed on the break, stopping in the middle of the street. He threw his door open and got out quickly.  
  
"Louis! Wait I'm coming in-"  
  
"No! Stay here and keep the car running!" Louis shouted over his shoulder running toward the front door. As he approached he felt the pounding of heavy bass in his chest. He knew he had the right place. He threw the door open in front of him and searched the dimly lit parlour quickly. There were teens passed out in every position, only a few still standing. He had no idea where to even start looking, the house was quite large and he obviously didn't know the layout. If only he had asked Harry where he was in the house. Louis kicked himself for not thinking of this before. He made his way forward as he pulled his mobile from his pocket, quickly redialing Harry's number for the hundredth time. The phone rang and rang with no answer.  
  
"Shit!" he dialed again. "Come on Harry! Just answer, please just answer!" Harry never did. Louis let a loud shout escape him as his eyes filled with tears. He glanced around in all directions not even sure what he was looking for.  
  
"Niall! You're a beast, mate!" Louis swiveled around at the name he recognized, looking in the direction of the sound. He saw a blonde boy drinking quickly from what he assumed was a large flower vase while another boy cheered him on. Louis bounded across the room and was in front of the boys in a second.  
  
"Niall? Are you Niall?" The blonde boy choked slightly as Louis grabbed his shoulder. Niall lowered the vase and wiped at his mouth.  
  
"Who wants to know?" He sputtered drunkenly.  
  
"I do! I'm Louis Tomlinson, and I'm looking for-"  
  
"So, you're Louis then, huh? Harry told me about you. He wasn't lying; you are quite fit mate." Niall laughed and began to raise the vase to his face again. Louis grabbed it from him and Niall shot him a nasty look. "What do you want?" he groaned.  
  
"I need to find Harry! Do you know where he is?" Louis couldn't keep the desperation from his voice.  
  
"Last I saw he was making his way upstairs with Danny over there," Niall pointed across the room at a tall boy who was slumped against the wall smoking. "but obviously he isn't with him anymore so I don't know, sorry." Louis handed the vase back to Niall with force, angry Harry's friend could be so oblivious, as he turned toward Danny, marching right up to him.  
  
"Where's Harry?" he demanded. The boy just looked at him confused. "Where is he?" Louis shouted in his face.  
  
"Relax dude. I don't know why you're looking for him. He's a fucking prick. He acted like he was all into me so I took him up stairs and then he started to get all weird so I gave him something to calm him down and just when I was getting into it again he freaked out and ran into the bathroom."  
  
"What did you do to him?" Louis' eyes were dark with anger.  
  
"Nothing he wasn't begging for." the boy laughed and grabbed his crotch, thrusting it at Louis. "He wanted it real bad, so I was going to give it to him; one way or another." He winked at Louis and licked his lips. Louis clenched his jaw, anger overwhelming him. He pushed Danny back hard, his head slamming into the wall. Before he knew it Louis was clenching his fist and raising it. He threw it forward and connected with Danny's jaw. The boy swaggered for a moment before collapsing to the ground. Louis had never hit anyone before and was quite impressed he was able to knock someone out on the first try.  
  
There were more important things to think about though; Harry was somewhere upstairs. He ran out of the parlour and headed straight for the stairs just off the main entry. He ran forward, taking the steps two at a time. He came to a landing and saw a hall lined with doors. He began opening them one at a time shouting for Harry, more than once stumbling in on people in particularly precarious positions.  
  
"Where the fuck is the bathroom in this place?" He let out in frustration. He finally came to the end of the hallway with one more door to try. He breathed slowly trying to prepare himself for what he might see when he opened the door. He reached out to turn the knob only to find that it wouldn't budge. He tried again turning as hard as he could but he couldn't move it.  
  
"Harry? Are you in there? It's me; it's Louis, can you open the door please?" Louis panicked when there was no answer and the door was locked. He knew Harry was on the other side. He began to pound his fist on the door as hard as he could, hoping against hope the sound would stir the young boy. He prayed he could still be woken at this point.  
  
Louis was desperate, searching for anything to help him knock the door in at this point. He began to kick at it and thrust his shoulder against it, willing it to budge, to break open. After a few attempts and nearly dislocating his shoulder he gave up, collapsing to the floor in tears.  
  
"Harry! Harry, please. I need you, don't you understand that? I need you to be okay. Please, if you can, just open the door." Louis leaned his head on the door and waited for any sound to indicate that Harry was still conscious, that he was still alive. "Harry..." Louis breathed out, knocking one last time and letting his hand slide down the door. He had almost given up on being able to rescue him alone when he heard a small rustling from inside the room. He sat up immediately and pressed his ear to the door. Suddenly there was a small click and Louis' hand immediately flew up to the door knob. He took a deep breath and pulled himself back to his feet before turning his wrist. The door opened slowly and Louis couldn't help but throw out a prayer to the Gods.  
  
He peered into the dimly lit bathroom to see Harry sprawled on the floor face down. Louis immediately sunk to the floor beside him and pulled him into his arms. Harry's head hung back limply as Louis pushed his sweaty curls from his face. His breathing was quick and shallow, but at least he was breathing.  
  
"Harry? Can you hear me?" Louis whispered into his ear. "If you can hear me please open your eyes. Let me know you're okay." Louis pulled away from the boy to see no recognition at his voice cross his angelic face. Louis felt tears roll down his cheeks and fall to the floor. "Harry, please." He pulled Harry to his chest and pressed a few small, light kisses to his forehead. "Come back to me Harry, don't leave me. You can't leave me, not when I've just found you. Not when I haven't even been able to know you." He felt the boy shudder in his hands and pulled away to see his eyes flutter open for a second before closing again. "Harry! Harry, look at me. Look at me Harry!" Louis shook the boy slightly and Harry's eyes popped open again. Louis gasped at the sight of his eyes, his pupils were blown wide, almost completely engulfing the beautiful green of his irises.  
  
"Lou..." Harry breathed. "Are you here?" Louis smiled at the sound of his voice, no matter how broken and unfamiliar it sounded.  
  
"Yes, Harry, I'm here. I'm really here. I'm going to get you out of here, okay?" Harry nodded slightly. "Can you stand?" Harry shook his head slightly. "Okay, I'm going to try and lift you and carry you out, okay?" Harry nodded again lazily. "I need you to hold onto me, wrap your arms around my neck. Can you do that?" Harry nodded again and lifted his arms slightly from his sides before dropping them again. Louis grabbed his arms and pulled them around his neck. "Just grab onto me, okay?" Harry obliged by clutching weakly at the Louis' t-shirt. Louis hooked his arm under Harry's legs and held tightly to his shoulders. He steadied himself onto his feet, somewhere finding the strength to lift the boy and carry him from the bathroom.  
  
He made his way carefully down the stairs and out the front door. Jasper ran from the car where he had been waiting to meet them.  
  
"Is he okay? What happened?" He shouted as he approached.  
  
"He'll be fine, I think, just open the door please! I wanna get him in the back!" Jasper ran back to the car and threw the door open, pushing garbage and clothes he had piled in the back seat out of the way for them. Louis set Harry in the car and made his way around to the other side, getting in and pulling Harry's head to rest in his lap. Jasper sunk into the driver seat and pulled quickly from the curb.  
  
  
"No, I don't think so. I think he's okay, just falling out. Let's just take him back to ours." Jasper shot another worried look back at him, but Louis couldn't take his eyes off the boy in his lap. His breathing had returned to normal but he was shaking, breaking into cold sweats. He kept opening his eyes for a brief moment before closing them again, but Louis wasn't sure if he was actually registering anything that was happening around him.  
  
"Louis?" Harry finally said. Louis nearly broke down again at the sound.  
  
"Yeah, I'm here Harry." Louis brought a hand up to rest against Harry's cheek, rubbing it gently.  
  
"You're really here?" Harry's eyes opened for another moment and Louis was sure he had looked right at him this time.  
  
"I'm really here, I've got you. You're going to be safe. I promise." Louis leaned forward and grabbed a shirt that was on the floor in front of him. He brought it to Harry's forehead and wiped away the drops of sweat that were forming. "Everything will be okay now."  
  
"You saved me." Harry's eyes fell shut again, but a small smile spread across his lips. "I wasn't sure... you would actually come." Harry took a couple of shuddering breaths as he latched his hand onto the front of Louis shirt. Louis frowned down at him.  
  
"Of course I came. I will always come when you call, okay. No matter what." Harry nodded slightly and pulled his head closer to Louis stomach, turning into him slightly and cuddling against him. "Are you okay though Harry? How are you feeling?"  
  
"I'm fine... I feel fine... I'm just so, so.... tired." He let out a long sigh before yawning widely.  
  
"I know, Harry. You can sleep now okay?" Harry nodded against him and let out a small purring sound. Louis blushed at how adorable it was and how incredibly serene the boy looked curled up in his lap. A few moments later they were pulling up to their building and Harry was sleeping soundly in Louis' lap. Jasper helped Louis get Harry out of the car and up the two flights of stairs to their flat. They laid him on the couch and Jasper when to get him water while Louis made sure he was as comfortable as possible.  
  
"Here." Louis looked up to see Jasper holding out a towel and a glass of water out to him. He took them and set them on the table, turning back to Harry who had only stirred once since they pulled him from the car. "Is he going to be okay?"  
  
"Yeah. I think he'll be fine." Louis said letting out a sigh as he grabbed the towel and wiped it across Harry's face. Harry shifted under Louis touch and sighed as his eyes opened for a moment. This time Louis knew they had connected with his own. He smiled down at Harry who smiled back before closing his eyes again.  
  
"Well, I'm off to bed then. Promise you'll come get me if you need me?" Jasper said as he reached out to place a hand on Louis' shoulder. Louis stood and pulled him into a hug.  
  
"I will, I promise. Thank you for tonight. I realize I was probably going crazy, so thank you for putting up with me." Jasper just laughed.  
  
"Don't worry about it. You know I'd do anything for you." He pulled back from Louis. "You really do care about him, don't you?" Louis simply nodded and turned back to look at Harry on the couch.  
  
"I really do." Jasper squeezed his shoulder and turned to head down the hall to his room. Louis slumped down on to the table next to Harry and brushed his hand through his curls before stroking his hand down his cheek lightly. If it had been any other circumstance Louis would have felt completely creepy, but at this point he was just so happy Harry was there and safe he couldn't help but want to touch him just to make sure he was really there. Harry nuzzled against his hand, opening his eyes for moment.  
  
"I'm cold." Harry whispered. Louis reached over and grabbed him a blanket, tucking it around him and pulling it up to his chest. He leaned across to pull the pillow behind his head into a more comfortable position. He felt Harry's hand wrap around the back of his head and start to pull him down toward him. He saw his lips inching closer and closer.  
  
"Harry, no." Louis pulled his head away.  
  
"But I... I wanted to kiss you..." Harry blushed and looked completely embarrassed.  
  
"Not like this, Harry. I can't do that to you. If we kiss I want it to be right. I want to be your first proper kiss and this isn't that. This would be no different than what those other people did to you. Even if you want it you're not in a good state of mind now. It would be meaningless." Louis ran his fingers through his hair once more.  
  
"Will you.. stay with me at least?" Harry pulled himself down into the blanket so only half of his face was showing. Louis smiled at the adorableness of Harry and laughed slightly.  
  
"Of course. I wouldn't want be able to leave even if I wanted too. Now that I have you here I'm not letting you out of my sight." Harry pulled the covers down and smiled before shutting his eyes and snuggling down into his pillow. Louis reached over and grabbed another pillow and blanket, setting up a spot for himself on the floor beside the couch. He nestled his head into the pillow and closed his eyes. He heard Harry's soft breathing, steady and shallow. It was an incredibly reassuring sound to Louis. He knew he was there, he knew he was safe, and that's all he needed. He would never let anything like that happen again. He knew it would be difficult, but he was willing to do whatever it took. He closed his eyes and let the rhythm of Harry's breath take him away. He fell asleep there on the floor with a smile on his lips and the beautiful curly haired boy cuddled safely on his couch.


	6. Chapter Six

Louis awoke the next morning to a bright light shining through his living room window. He looked around bewildered to find himself laying on the floor for a second before all the events of the previous night came crashing back down on him. The fear, the anger, the hope, the final relief when he saw Harry open his eyes. How he had managed to keep it from his mind while he slept was a total mystery to him. He suspected it had something to do with the angelic boy sleeping on his couch, safe and sound, no more than a foot from where he was. At that thought Louis sat up and turned to where Harry was laying. Where Harry should have been laying, that is.  
  
Louis was startled to see that the couch was empty. The blanket had been neatly folded and set in the center of the couch and the pillows had been fluffed and placed perfectly at either end. Louis' eyes went wide with panic for a second before he heard the sink in the bathroom turn on. He let out a sigh and stood, stretching and ruffling his messy hair. He stretched his aching back, yawning widely and flinched at the smell of his own morning breath. Brushing his teeth would be a good excuse to check on Harry in the bathroom, so with this in mind he wandered down the hallway a little ways and turned to the first door on the left. He knocked gently before turning the knob and opening the door just enough to see in. He paused and almost groaned when he saw Jasper standing at the sink, brushing his teeth and admiring himself in the mirror. Louis pushed the door open and Jasper spun to look at him, a smile spreading across his lips before he turned back to the sink and spat.  
  
"Morning, Lou! How'd you sleep?" Jasper said as he rinsed his tooth brush and set it back in the vanity drawer.  
  
"Have you seen Harry?" Louis asked, trying to keep his voice casual. Jasper looked at him slightly confused, which caught Louis off guard. Had Louis imagined it all? That wasn't possible.  
  
"He was gone when I got up a little bit ago. I assumed you saw him before he left." Jasper reached out to grab a hand towel and wiped his mouth with it. "So, he just left?" I frowned and shrugged. "That's kind of rude don't you think?" Louis winced at those words. Harry may be a lot of things, but Louis was sure that rude wasn't one of them. Why would he just leave though? That didn't make any sense to Louis, after all he did for him. Not that he was expecting anything in return, he wouldn't take it even if Harry had offered. He told Harry he would be there for him and he planned to stay true to that, no matter what. So, what would suddenly make him flee like that? Louis had a hunch he knew the reason.  
  
"He tried to kiss me last night." Louis said with a sigh as he brought his hand up to brush his bangs from his eyes.  
  
"He did?" Jasper gasped. "That's great, Lou!" He patted Louis' shoulder and flashed toothy grin at him.  
  
"No, Jas, it's not." Jasper frowned and furrowed his brow in question, "I stopped him. I shot him down."  
  
"Why would you do that? Aren't you into him?" Jasper brushed past him and walked toward the living room. Louis followed him and watched as he went through to the kitchen, opening the fridge and searching for something to make for breakfast.  
  
"Yeah, I am, but I couldn't really kiss him after everything that happened last night, could I?" Louis hopped up and sat on the counter next to the fridge.  
"You saved his life! I think that entitles you to at least a kiss, Prince Charming." Jasper winked and pulled a carton of eggs from the fridge, turning to retrieve a frying pan before flicking on the stove.  
  
"Saving his life might be a bit of an exaggeration." Louis rolled his eyes, "I just mean, he wasn't sober or anything. I would have felt like a complete jerk if I just kissed him like that. I would always wonder if it was just because of the drugs or if it was really what he wanted, ya know?" Louis pulled a couple of grapes from the bowl next to him and popped them into his mouth, chewing miserably.  
  
"I see your point, mate. Want?" Jasper asked indicating the eggs he was making for himself. Louis nodded and hopped off of the counter. "That's what makes you so amazing bro! Most guys would have been sleazy and taken advantage of that situation."  
  
"Exactly, I don't want to be that guy." Louis slumped against the counter next to the stove as Jasper cracked two more eggs into the pan for Louis.  
  
"New flash, Louis; you've been that guy." Louis groaned and squinted his eyes at Jasper's reminder of his former self.  
  
"That's when I was a young and horny teen that couldn't control his own cock. Besides, I wouldn't say I ever took advantage of anyone. I'd like to think I'm better than that." Louis rolled his eyes. "And good looking enough that it never had to come to that." He smirked ay Jasper who laughed and agreed.  
  
"So, maybe that was a little harsh of me to say." Jasper offered in apology. "Do you think maybe Harry was just embarrassed, and that's why he left this morning?" This is exactly what had been playing on Louis' mind. Although he thought he made it clear to Harry that his advances weren't unwanted, just not right for the time. He had known that Harry had felt embarrassed by his actions. It had shown all over his face.  
  
"I know he was. I saw it on his face, but I told him it was fine." Jasper shrugged and slid the eggs from the pan onto two plates for them.  
  
"Maybe you should call him?" He offered, handing a plate to Louis.  
  
"Thanks." Louis said indicating the plate. "Yeah, I probably should. If nothing else then at least to make sure he got home alright... or to wherever he went." Louis turned to exit the kitchen.  
  
"Want me to give you ride to school today, mate?" Jasper asked around a mouth full of food.  
  
"No, I think I'm going to skip it actually. Haven't taken a 'sick' day for myself at all this year. I really don't feel like doing much after last night, but thanks anyway. Have a good day, Jazzy!" Jasper nodded in understanding.  
  
"Thanks, you too man!" Louis sauntered out of the room and down the hall. He went into his room and shut the door before sinking down onto his bed and devouring his eggs in a couple of bites. He didn't realize that all the tension from last night had made him so hungry. He set the plate down on his bed side table and pulled his phone from the pocket of his sweatpants. He flipped the screen on and pulled up Harry's number. Hitting the call button he held the phone to his ear while it began to ring. What if he didn't pick up? What was Louis even going to say if he did? He wrestled with himself for a moment, trying to decide if he shouldn't just hang up.

______________________________

Niall was awoken very early that morning by Harry falling through his window; something that wasn't at all uncommon.  
  
"The fuck, Styles?" Niall turned away from the boy and pulled his pillow over his head. He felt Harry land on top of him, poking at his sides with his fingers. Niall groaned and flipped over, pushing Harry off of him. He heard Harry giggle at his side and he reached out to ruffle the boys hair. "What the hell time is it anyway?" Harry just shrugged. They laid quietly for a moment just looking at each other, Harry pulling himself under Niall's covers till only his eyes and fluff of hair were showing.  
  
"What happened to you last night?" Harry asked shyly. Niall looked at him slightly confused for a second.  
  
"What do you mean? I was with Jamie, you were with Shawna. Then I saw you go off somewhere with Danny; way to bag that one, mate! He's pretty fit, yeah? Then Louis, also 'A' plus there man, he came looking for you and I assumed he took you home. What happened to you? I assume you had a good night." Niall winked and nudged Harry slightly. "Although two guys in one night might just make you a slut, mate." Harry couldn't fault Niall for his ignorance to the whole situation. Danny was someone they had known for a long time, Harry had even had a legitimate crush on him at one point, so why would Niall think anything of it when they went off together? How could he have known that Danny would turn out to be a total creep that would drug Harry and try to rape him?  
  
"It's nothing, I was just wondering." Niall watched as Harry's eyes flashed with a moment of sorrow before he closed them and buried himself further into the covers. Niall frowned at his reaction and pulled the covers off of his face. Harry let out a squeal in protest, but Niall just wrapped the blanket around his arm and pulled it toward him.  
  
"What happened last night Harry?" His voice was stern and Harry couldn't bring himself to meet his eyes.  
  
"Nothing." Harry said as smoothly as possible, pulling nervously at his curls.  
  
"Harry, tell me what happened. Obviously it wasn't good." Harry huffed a loud sigh and crossed his arms on his chest. "Harry, tell me!" Niall was getting frustrated that Harry was holding back from him.  
  
"Danny's a creep." Was all he said and Niall got the hint, mostly.  
  
"Shit, Harry. What did he do?" Niall was preparing himself for the worst.  
  
"He slipped me some roofies, I'm pretty sure that's what they were at least." Niall's mouth fell open.  
  
"Are you fucking kidding me? I'm going to kill that fucking cunt!" Harry let out a small laugh. "I'm glad you can be so relaxed about this!" Niall was almost up out of his bed, fuming with anger.  
  
"He didn't do anything! I felt it starting to make me weird so I ran and locked myself in the bathroom." This didn't seem to calm Niall to much, and it shouldn't. Even if there was no real harm done, that was still a terrifying thought and an incredibly terrible thing to do to a person.  
  
"No wonder Louis punched him." Niall said quietly, thinking back to the night before.  
  
"Louis... punched him? Danny?" Harry asked, his eyes growing wide at the news.  
  
"Yeah, knocked him out cold too!" Niall chuckled a bit, "I thought it was just because he knew you two had been snogging and was pissed that he was moving in on his man." Niall nudged Harry's side and winked at him again.  
  
"I'm not his man!" Harry spat back, rolling his eyes. "And Louis definitely wouldn't care if someone else was snogging me. He certainly doesn't wanna kiss me." He pouted and rolled onto his side, turning his back to Niall.  
  
"What makes you think that, Curly?" Harry shrugged and heaved a sigh.  
  
"I tried to kiss him last night, but he pushed me away. Said something about 'not wanting to take advantage of me in that state', but I think it's all rubbish. I just think he didn't want to kiss me and didn't want to hurt my feelings, so he said that instead. I mean I wasn't that fucked up anymore by the time he got me back to his. I was just tired! I knew what I was doing!" Niall rubbed his back gently, trying to calm the anger that was rising in Harry.  
  
"Maybe he was telling the truth. I mean if he came all the way to that party looking for you, even knocked a guy out, and then went and found and took you back to his flat with no ulterior motives then he has to be a decent guy, yeah? I can't imagine someone like that would want to kiss you then, no matter what state of mind you were in. Maybe it just didn't feel right to him." Harry rolled back over to face Niall, his eyes shimmering with tears.  
  
"You really think so?" Harry sniffled slightly. Niall put his arm over Harry and dragged himself closer, cuddling Harry's face into his chest.  
  
"I really hope so. Besides, if he really is into you, and judging by the worry on his face last night when he found me I honestly think he is, then he wouldn't want your guys' first kiss to be like that either. He would want it to be special, right?" He heard Harry whimper slightly and felt a hand reach up along his chest as Harry wiped away a tear.  
  
"I guess you're right. I don't know though. I don't think anyone has ever properly liked me before, so I don't even know how to tell."  
  
"That you know of." Niall smiled down at his friend and Harry laughed slightly.  
  
"Why does liking someone have to suck so much? Isn't love supposed to make you feel good? Instead it just makes me feel like total shit." Harry pouted.  
  
"Because you have to go through all that crap before you can get to the good stuff. It makes it worth it in the end, and it means so much more." Harry looked up at Niall with a wary look. "Or, so I've heard at least. Can't say I know much more about it than you do. I've never really dated anyone properly either."  
  
"What about Lucy?" Harry asked with a nudge. Niall groaned and rolled his eyes.  
  
"That was back in, like, year six! That doesn't even count!"  
  
"At least it was something." Niall shrugged and pulled Harry over to him, resting his chin on his head.  
  
"Harry, you're amazing, whether you believe it or not, it's true. If I can see it then someone else will too, and when that happens it will be the most beautiful thing, I promise." Harry's mind wandered back to the day on the beach with Louis, when he had said almost exactly what Niall just did. It made his heart ache for Louis, but he had pushed him away. He still wasn't sure what to make of that and it hurt him too much to think about all the possibilities, as most of them ended in Louis hating him, or just taking pity on him.  
  
They sat cuddle for a few minutes in Niall's bed, bantering about stupid nonsense when a loud vibration startled them both. Harry pulled himself away from Niall and struggled to retrieve his phone form his pocket. He looked at the screen:  
  
'Louis'  
  
Harry gasped when he saw the name.  
  
"Who is it?" Niall asked  
  
"It's... it's Louis." Harry shot a weary look at Niall.  
  
"Answer it stupid!" Niall shouted, practically taking the phone from Harry to press the button himself. Harry pulled away, jumping up off the bed and looked back to Niall.  
  
"Can you... give me some privacy?" Niall frowned at him.  
  
"This is my room!" Harry gave him a stern look and Niall threw his hands up in defeat, bouncing off the bed. "Fine, I'm starving anyway. Gotta get ready for class and all." He walked out of the room quickly and shut the door behind him. Harry took a deep breath and looked at the phone once more. His fingers shaking, he answered the call,  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Harry? It's Louis. Are you alright?"  
  
"Yeah, I'm fine.... how are you?" Harry moved to sit back on Niall's bed.  
  
"Okay, kinda sad I missed you this morning. Wasn't expecting you to be gone when I got up." Harry smiled at the disappointment in Louis' voice.  
  
"Yeah... I'm sorry Louis, I just... I knew you were probably exhausted after last night so I didn't want to disturb you, ya know."  
  
"Oh, yeah. Well, that's good I guess. I thought maybe you were trying to avoid an awkward goodbye this morning or something." Harry was taken aback by this statement. Why did Louis think it would be awkward? Granted, it probably would have been, knowing how awkward Harry was all the time.  
  
"Oh... well, yeah... Why do you think it would have been awkward?"  
  
"I just mean, because of what happened last night." Harry was hoping he wasn't talking about what he thought he was. "You know with that almost kiss and all." Shit. That's exactly what he was talking about. Harry groaned slightly and flopped himself back on the bed. Louis did think it was weird. He thought Harry was weird for doing that. He could tell Louis was totally put off by the whole situation. "Not that I had a problem with it. You know that right?" Harry wasn't sure what to say or if he believed Louis. He thought playing it 'cool' and seeing where it lead to was the best option.  
  
"Oh, yeah, of course." He said as smoothly as possible.  
  
"Because it wasn't a big deal, ya know. I just didn't want you to do something you would regret... that we both would regret."  
  
"I wouldn't have regretted it Louis..." Harry spoke quietly.  
  
"What was that?" Louis asked. Harry sighed, trying to gain more confidence.  
  
"I wouldn't have regretted it." He closed his eyes and bit his lip waiting for Louis' response, when none came he continued. "I regret not going through with it more." He figured he had started he might as well finish it and tell Louis everything, well, almost. "I really did want to kiss you Louis, and it wasn't just the drugs. I don't even think I was on them anymore by the time we got to your flat. Everything that happened, that was all me." Harry couldn't believe he had actually said that. He never laid anything out like that to anyone. He never had the nerve to. It was different with Louis and different over the phone; Harry had more confidence when he wasn't face to face with people. It was all easier.  
  
"Harry, it wouldn't have been right. You may have wanted to kiss me, but that wasn't how it should happen, okay? I didn't want you to feel obligated to do anything, whether it was because of the pills, or because you felt you owed me something. You don't owe me anything. I said I would be there for you and I was. I would do it a hundred times over if I had too. Although, hopefully that won't happen again." He heard Louis laugh and Harry couldn't help but smile at the words. Harry sighed deeply.  
  
"Thank you again, Louis. Really, it means a lot to me that you would go to all that trouble."  
  
"Harry, it's not a big deal, really. I mean I nearly died from a nervous break down and all, but... I'm just glad you called me. Although I'm a little pissed at your friend Niall for not looking out for you."  
  
"Don't be! He isn't my babysitter. Besides, we were with people we both thought we trusted. Neither of us would have guessed in a million years Danny would do something like that." He heard Louis wince at the name and mutter something along the lines of 'That fucking arsehole, if I see him again he's dead'. "Niall told me you socked him. Knocked him out cold huh?" Harry laughed for second.  
  
"Yeah, I don't know what came over me. I'd never hit anyone before."  
  
"Well, thanks for that then, too. He deserved it."  
  
"And then some." They both sat silent for a moment, neither sure what to say. "Listen, Harry," Louis finally spoke up, "I'm ditching out on classes today. I was hoping maybe you'd be willing to do the same and maybe go to the park or get some lunch with me today?" Harry's heart stopped in his chest. Maybe Louis was really interested in him after all. Harry had no experience with this so he really didn't know what to think about Louis' concern for him or his wanting to hang out with him. It could just be that he wanted to be friends. Harry hated that because he knew he wanted more from Louis, eventually, and when Harry wanted something it wasn't a half assed thing. He fell completely into it. It was another addiction to him. That was dangerous because he always set impossible expectations and always ended up getting hurt in the end.  
  
"Yeah... I could do that." He stammered out finally, finding it nearly impossible to say no to Louis. Even if his mind was trying to force him to. He could almost hear the relief from the other end of the phone.  
  
"Great! I'll pick you up in a while then!"  
  
"Yeah...okay. Down the block from my house, where you dropped me off before, okay?"  
  
"Perfect! I'll text you when I'm on my way!" Harry heard a click signaling the end of the call. He dropped his phone at his side and grabbed a pillow, holding it over his face. He let out a loud yell that was muffled by the pillow. He threw it aside and stared miserably at the ceiling. He was going to see Louis today, possibly spend most of the day with him. He knew Louis had at least some interest in him. So, why did he feel so terrible? He felt a churning in his stomach, a pounding in his skull. His palms were sweating and his legs were shaking. He began to feel slightly claustrophobic and dizzy. Panic; that's what it was. Harry was in total panic at the thought of having to see Louis. He had never been that way before. He had always found it easy to talk to him. So, why was that very prospect sending him into a near shut down?  
  
Drugs.  
  
Every time Harry had talked to Louis he had been high. The morning they met, he had just smoked a joint, same the day he saved him after school. Then there was the night before when he was on all those pills. The thought of facing him sober terrified Harry. He didn't know how to act, he became to self conscious when he was sober. He knew what he had to do. And that's just it, he had to do it. If he wanted to keep Louis he had to get high. It was the only way he could talk to him and keep him interested; it was the only way he could be interesting.  
  
He sat up quickly and reached for Niall's night stand, throwing the top drawer open and searching for what he knew was there. Finally his fingers found it and he pulled the spliff out with a sigh of relief. He held it up to his nose and inhaled the scent deeply. If nothing else, Niall always had the best green in the city. He pulled out a lighter and lit, casually falling back onto Niall's bed. A few puffs in, however, Harry knew this wouldn't be enough. He stuck the spliff between his lips and continued to puff on it as he moved to Niall's dresser. He pulled open the bottom drawer and pushed clothes aside till he found a bottle full of pills. He popped the top off quickly and poured out three smile white pills. He licked his lips and frowned, adding one more to his hand. He stared at the pills for a moment before throwing them back and swallowing them dry. He choked them down and made his way back to the bed. He sunk down and continued to smoke, blowing smoke rings as he waited to be carried off into his surreal world. At least now everything would be fine.


	7. Chapter Seven

Louis drove with his windows down, enjoying the unusually warm day and the wind blowing through his feathered hair. He tapped his hand on the steering wheel as he sang along mindlessly to each new song that came on. A smile crawled across his lips as he turned onto Harry's block; he couldn't wait to see those green eyes again. That head of perfect hair, his beautiful, plump pink lips. He wanted to hear his voice again, that unmistakable slow drawl and the deep bass that played in his tone. It was pretty obvious to Louis at this point that he was completely infatuated with the young lad and he didn't have a problem with that. He could easily see that infatuation growing into something more. He knew that underneath it all Harry was a good person, perhaps the perfect person for Louis. There was only one problem; Louis knew that Harry's love for drugs and alcohol was stronger than his love for anything else. Probably even his love for life itself.  
  
Louis tried to push these thoughts as far back in his mind as possible. He knew that Harry wasn't a loss cause, or at least he hoped he wasn't. He knew that all he needed was a reason to stop; someone to push him to do so. Niall, though a good friend, wasn't that person, and Louis knew that. Niall liked to party as much as Harry, even if he lacked the personal demons that Harry did, he kept him in a toxic environment that only allowed Harry to continue on the way he was with no repercussions.  
  
Louis slowed his car and pulled up to the curb where he saw Harry standing, wearing a Ramones shirt and back skinny jeans, his head hanging down as he kicked at the ground, his beautiful hair falling in front of his face. He looked incredibly... sexy. Louis licked his lips and groaned slightly, his hands gripping his steering wheel tighter as he tried to control his filthy thoughts. He shook his head slightly to clear his mind and rolled down his window.  
  
"Hey handsome." he said flashing a smile at Harry who looked up suddenly at the sound. "Need a ride?" Harry beamed at him and stumbled forward nearly falling onto the car. Louis saw him blush as he tripped over his feet and pulled the car door open. He slumped in, clearly embarrassed by his tripping and turned to Louis.  
"Hi." he said shyly.  
  
"Hey." Louis replied with a smile. "You're adorable when you blush like that you know." This made Harry turn an even darker shade of red and Louis just laughed. "Don't worry about it, everyone trips. It's not a big deal." Louis rested his hand on Harry's knee and rubbed his leg slightly, he felt the need to comfort Harry through everything, because obviously even the most minor slip up was a catastrophe in Harry's mind. Harry stared at his hand for a moment before looking up and grinning at Louis. Louis frowned when their eyes connected because- shit- his pupils were unbelievably dilated. "Harry." he said sternly.  
  
"What?" Harry asked in a distant voice.  
  
"You're high aren't you?" Louis removed his hand from Harry's leg quickly and crossed his arms. Harry quickly pulled his eyes away and began to pull at his curls nervously. Despite the fact that Louis found that incredibly adorable he couldn't get past the fact that Harry was high out of his fucking mind. Harry just nodded slightly before turning back to Louis.  
  
"Do you want me to get out?" he looked near tears and Louis just let out a long sigh.  
  
"Of course not, Harry. I just wish you wouldn't do that. You don't have to be high all the time you know." Harry nodded slightly before turning to look out his window. "Well, whatever, I thought we'd go to the park. It's a beautiful day and I thought we could spend it outside if that's alright with you." Harry looked back to him and smiled sheepishly in agreement. "Good." Louis put his car in gear and sped off from the curb, his tires squealing as he pulled away.  
  
He was trying to keep his irritation at Harry's state at bay but he couldn't seem to bring himself to look over at Harry, or even smile. He turned up the radio to drown out the silence between them; he didn't sing along this time. When he finally dragged his eyes from the road to glance in Harry's direction he was slumped over in his seat hanging his head out his open window, his eyes shut, his hair blowing wildly and a small smile stretched across his lips. His hand was on his knee tapping out the beat of the song.  
  
"You like this song?" Louis asked in an attempt to make small talk. Harry swung his head in from the window and looked to Louis.  
  
"I like music." was his reply. Louis rolled his eyes and turned the radio down a bit.  
  
"What kind of music do you like?" Harry scrunched his face, thinking, as if it was the hardest question he had ever been asked. He sighed and shrugged.  
  
"Good music." he said with sincerity. Louis could tell that until Harry started to come down this was going to be a laborious process of getting to know him.  
  
"Just give me a genre, I guess." Harry looked at him confused. "Like, rock, rap, pop, alternative... classical?" Harry smiled.  
  
"Yeah." was all he said, Louis frowned again.  
  
"Yeah, what?" Louis asked, trying to control the annoyance that was building in him. It wasn't that he wanted to be mad at Harry, quite the opposite, he just didn't have a ton of experience dealing with people in his state and he found it incredibly difficult to handle him, so his instinct was to be annoyed.  
  
"I like music." Harry finally said before returning to his previous position with his head out the window, effectively ending any conversation. Louis groaned in frustration and turned the music back up to an almost deafening level. They continued this way for the rest of the journey with no communication until they made it to the park.  
  
Louis pulled into a small car park and turned his car off. He turned to Harry and rested his hand on the back of his head-rest. Harry slumped away from the door and toward Louis, attempting to cuddle into his arm. Louis quickly pulled his arm away, much to Harry's dismay, and leaned against his door.  
  
"Are you hungry?" Harry nodded slightly and flicked his bangs from his eyes with a tilt of his head. "There's a great little place we can get take away just over there. I thought we could grab some food and eat it in the park."  
  
"Like a picnic?" Harry asked, wide eyed. Louis laughed at his reaction.  
  
"Yeah, like a picnic. Is that okay?" Harry nodded enthusiastically and threw his door open, stepping out and running around to Louis' side before Louis could even open his own door. Harry held his door open, hopping up and down slightly with excitement. Louis laughed at him as he exited the car.  
  
"Are you okay?" he asked the giddy boy.  
  
"I'm just excited!" Harry nearly shouted, catching Louis by surprise.  
  
"About a picnic?" Louis couldn't believe the sheer joy Harry was showing at the prospect of eating food while sitting in the grass. To Louis it seemed a fairly mundane thing.  
  
"I've never been on a picnic before!" Harry was still shouting. Louis was confused but none the less he was glad to see Harry so happy for once.  
  
"Like, ever?" Harry shook his head and the smile faded from his lips.  
  
"Is that weird?" He asked peering through his bangs.  
  
"No, well, a little actually," Louis chuckled, "but it's not a bad thing." Louis shut his car door and Harry smiled at him.  
  
"Well, I'm glad my first will be with you." He grabbed Louis' hand and rubbed the back of it with his thumb. Louis felt a tingle spread up his arm at the contact and his face went hot as he blushed. Harry grinned at his reaction and squeezed his hand tighter. "So, is this like a date?" Harry wasn't sure if the question should be asked but he was really hoping it was so he had to find out. Louis searched his mind for the appropriate answer. He wasn't sure whether that was really what this was or not, but he supposed he had no other way to classify it.  
  
"Yeah, I guess you could say that." Harry beamed at him and threw himself in Louis' arms, wrapping himself tightly around Louis' waist. Louis tentatively brought his hands up to rest on Harry's back. "We're not, like, together though... you know that right?" Harry immediately loosened his grip and backed away quickly.  
  
"Oh, yeah... of course not." Louis saw the disappointment in his face, but it was the truth. Louis couldn't let himself get attached when Harry was still so messed up. He knew it would end badly for both of them and Harry could come out of it in a worst state than he already was in. Louis wouldn't be able to live with himself if he knew he did anything to hurt Harry, but if he refused to change the way he was living his life Louis wouldn't be able to stay with him. As much as he cared about him he couldn't stand there and love someone who was spiraling so far out of control. They stood awkwardly for a moment before Louis grabbed his hand again.  
  
"Let's just get some food and see what happens, okay?" Harry's eyes lit up at that prospect, that something could happen, and allowed himself to be led across the street to a small chinese restaurant. They ordered their take away and returned to the park, which was surprisingly empty for such a gorgeous day, but Louis figured it was because most people were either working or at school. He was glad to have the time with Harry without too many people around to distract them. Although Harry was plenty distracted on his own; watching the wind blow through the trees, or small bigs crawl across the ground. Everything held his attention with a child like fascination. Except for Louis, that is. He was finding it very difficult to keep Harry's attention and have a solid conversation with him.  
  
"Can I ask you something, Harry?" Harry let his head fall from where he was watching increasingly dark clouds drift across the blue sky.  
  
"Yeah, of course you can." he stretched his arms and fell back into the soft grass to lay his head next to Louis'.  
  
"This may be a stupid question, but I was just wondering why you take so many drugs. I mean, your always high! Doesn't it just make you feel worse?" Harry was silent for a moment while he pondered the question. It wasn't one he ever got asked honestly. Most people didn't care enough to bother. He rolled on his side to face Louis and propped his head on his hand.  
  
"I don't know. It helps me deal with all my pain I guess. I know that sounds like a stupid answer, but it's true. The only time I feel free enough from my thoughts to be normal and not so awkward is when I'm on something." Louis sat up and looked him in the eyes, which were now looking a bit more normal.  
  
"But, Harry, I think you're more awkward when you're high." Harry was startled by this. "I mean, you can't even hold a conversation, you can hardly form a coherent sentence half the time, and the rest of the time you're in and out if it so much I'm not sure what to think. Have you ever tried just not being on something?" Harry fell back to the ground and crossed his arms over his chest.  
  
"No, I guess not."  
  
"Maybe that's why you think you're so awkward when you're sober. You haven't given yourself a chance to not depend on the drugs and stuff. You think it makes you more interesting but that's all in your head. Frankly, I think it makes you kind of an asshole." Harry looked stunned by these words. "I'm sorry, but it's true. I don't think I have ever seen you totally sober, but the times when I know you aren't high as a fucking kite, you're polite and shy and, sure you might not say a lot, but I like that about you. You don't have to be overly confident to be interesting, and you don't have to say or do anything to impress me. I'm already impressed by so much about you." Louis laid back on the ground and moved himself closer to Harry so their arms were touching. He felt the hair on Harry's arm stand on end as a slight shudder went through the boy's body. Louis smiled at the reaction he knew he was getting from him at just a simple touch. He heard Harry take in a quick breath, slowly letting it back out.  
  
"There's nothing interesting about me though. I don't understand why someone as nice and... hot as you would want to associate with me." Louis laughed at the way Harry timidly complimented him.  
  
"Harry, you're hot. Whether you believe it or not, it's true. Everything about you is simply stunning. Your eyes, your hair, your... perfect lips..." Harry's turned his head to face Louis and Louis couldn't help but stare at those lips, his mouth watering as Harry's tongue darted out and swiped across his bottom lip. Louis' eyes travelled up his face to lock onto Harry's sparkling green eyes, staring back at him. Harry slowly began to move his head towards Louis' and Louis couldn't help but do the same, getting caught up in the moment. The sun glowing off of Harry's porcelain skin, casting an angelic glow around him. His hair was falling just perfectly across his forehead and into his eyes.  
  
Louis lifted his hand to brush the hair from Harry's forehead and ran it down to rest on his soft cheek, pulling him closer. Their foreheads rested together and he could feel Harry's warm breath on his face. He closed his eyes, taking in the moment. He felt Harry's hand land on his waist and squeeze his hips, his thumbs rubbing circles into the exposed skin where his shirt had ridden up slightly. He moaned softly at the sensation and pulled Harry closer to him. Their lips moved ever closer and both boys could feel electricity between them.  
  
There was a sudden crash as thunder rolled across the sky, jarring both boys from their trance. They stared at each other for a moment before Louis pulled himself away from Harry, sitting up and shaking his head. He has almost kissed Harry, and he knew he couldn't do that, not if he wanted to really help him. He couldn't get overly involved and let his emotions get the better of him, that wouldn't be good for either of them.  
  
"I'm sorry." He heard Harry say from behind him. He looked back to see Harry pulling at his curls again. He turned toward him and rested his hand on Harry's chin, pulling his face up to meet his eyes.  
  
"Don't be sorry Harry. Like I told you the other night, it just isn't right for it to happen this way okay?" Louis smiled at him as sweetly as he could, but Harry only frowned more.  
  
"I'm not high anymore though." Louis just rolled his eyes.  
  
"Harry, I can see it in your eyes. You're still on something."  
  
"But I feel normal, I am in control of my actions. I know what I'm doing and what I want, and I want you." Louis sighed and pulled himself closer to Harry.  
  
"I know you do, I want you too, but this just isn't how I want it. You may be fine with it, but I'm not. Can you understand that?" Harry stared at him for a moment before nodding his head.  
  
"I just... I think I need you Louis. I think you can help me. I've never had a reason to try and change before. If I was with you I know I would try, I would try really hard Louis, to be better. I don't think I would have to second guess that I was good enough. Can't you at least give us a chance?" Louis was shocked by how forward Harry was being, every ounce of the shyness he had seen before seemed to melt away in that moment. He was trying to find the words to say when the rain began to fall. It started lightly at first as each boy looked skyward, but in a matter of moments it was a full on down pour.  
  
They both jumped immediately to their feet and searched for the nearest shelter. Louis' car was on the far side of the park and they were already drenched through their clothes. Louis suddenly felt Harry suddenly grab his hand and turned to look at the boy. Harry pulled himself closer to Louis and Louis threw his arm over his shoulder.  
  
"Over there!" Harry shouted, pointing a few yards from them where there was a small stone bridge. Harry bolted forward, running as fast as he could as he dragged Louis behind him, still clutching tightly to his hand. They stopped halfway to jump in a giant puddle, seeing as how they were already soaked, neither could see the harm in enjoying the sudden rain storm. They laughed as Harry tried to splash Louis and ended up falling flat on his ass. Louis pulled him up and pulled him the rest of the way to their awaiting shelter.  
  
They made it in just as the rain began to beat don harder on them. They were still laughing as they pressed themselves against the wall, their hands still clinging to each others'. A few moments later their laughing had dwindled and both boys were left panting slightly. Louis rolled his head on the wall to look at Harry standing next to him. His hair was soaked through, dripping, and clinging to his forehead. His broad chest heaved under his heavy breaths. His shirt was gripping tightly to the small ab muscles that lined his stomach. Louis swallowed thickly as his mind raced over the filthy things he wanted to do to that boy.  
  
Before he knew what he was doing he had spun himself in front of Harry, pinning him to the wall. He laced his fingers through Harry's hair and pushed his head back against the wall. Harry let out a small gasp at the action and Louis pressed his body firmly against Harry's. Harry's arms found their way around Louis' waist and pulled their hips together. They stood there, foreheads together, bodies grinding slightly for a moment. Harry's eyes flicked up to stare deeply into Louis' and he could see the lust there. Louis let out a long sigh.  
  
"Okay." he said. Harry's eyes squinted in question.  
  
"Okay, what?" he asked.  
  
"I can't keep myself from you Harry. I want to but I know that I can't, and if being with me will help you then we might as well be together. We both know we want it and there is no use in both of us being miserable."  
  
"So... you want me to be your boyfriend?" Harry's eyes lit up and a smile stretched across his face.  
  
"Yeah." Louis said timidly. "But not too serious to start, okay? I just want to see where this goes. I want you to get better before I can commit to being with you, for my own safety. Do you understand that?" Harry nodded against him.  
  
"I'll take what I can get."  
  
"You need to promise to try and stop using though, Harry. Like, really try. The next time I take you out I don't want you to be on anything, okay?" Harry nodded again.  
  
"Can I kiss you now?" Harry asked meekly. Louis groaned slightly as he thought about it. Clearly he wanted to but it still didn't feel right to him. He wasn't even sure if dating Harry was the right thing to do at this point.  
  
"No, Harry, not yet. I want it to be perfect okay?" Harry frowned but nodded anyway. Louis ran his hands through Harry's hair and cradled his head between them. He tilted Harry's head down and pressed his lips to his forehead. He heard Harry whimper slightly before wrapping his arms tighter around Louis' waist, clutching at his wet shirt. Harry wanted to hold him there as long as possible. It may not have been the kiss that he wanted, but it was better than nothing. At least now Harry knew he was wanted, knew someone cared. It was more than he had hoped for at the beginning of the day. He was content just to be in Louis' arms and to be his boyfriend.  
  
He just hoped he could stay sober enough to keep things that way.


	8. Chapter Eight

It had been three days since Louis had officially asked Harry to be his boyfriend and Harry thought he had put in a good effort so far of staying sober. At least he hadn't popped any pills since that day. He had cut back his drinking to more normal after school hours and wasn't smoking quite as much weed, although that last one was a bit of a stretch. He still smoked on the way to school, after school and every night before bed, but he was trying. Louis had noticed and complimented him on his efforts but Harry didn't seem to think it was enough. Even though he and Louis were 'together' now Harry didn't think he was acting much more like a boyfriend than he was before. Maybe that's how it worked though, Harry wouldn't know. He had never been in a relationship before and this was all so new to him.  
  
He tried to occupy his mind with the happier thoughts of he and Louis' relationship. They talked multiple times everyday whether they saw each other or not, Louis at least held his hand when they were together, and the other night when he had Harry over for dinner and to watch a movie they had actually cuddled on the couch. That was huge in Harry's mind; he had smiled giddily the whole night and most of the next day, much to Niall's annoyance. Niall was happy for Harry, sure, but he could only take so much of Harry's talk about his new beau. That seemed to be all Harry could talk about anymore. Niall missed just having his friend that he talked to about everything with, not just one boy that Niall hardly knew.  
  
Niall guessed that's what bothered him the most; he didn't really know Louis. He was always very protective of Harry, for obvious reasons, and wasn't quite sure just what Louis' intentions were. He didn't know if Louis really knew what he had gotten himself into by dating Harry, and he wasn't sure he would be able to handle it. When he found out how clingy Harry really was, his desperation for attention and approval was second to none, he wasn't sure that Louis would stick around. When Harry found something he wanted it was no small thing for him, Niall knew this, so he was worried what would happen if Louis decided it was too much and ended up dumping Harry. Niall was sure the results of that would be monumental. With Harry in such a terrible state as it was Niall was sure that a bad breakup, or any breakup for that matter, would be the end of Harry, and he meant that literally.  
  
It wasn't an unknown fact that Harry had attempted suicide in the past, coming close to succeeding on one occasion if it hadn't been for Gemma coming home early from school to find him bleeding out on the bathroom floor. He had spent nearly a week in the hospital and a month after that in a rehab trying to get better; being treated for depression and anxiety. Niall had visited him everyday that he was allowed too, hoping all the while that Harry would come out alright in the end. It took months of convincing after he was released before his mother, Gemma, or Niall would let him out of their sight, all taking turns to look after him while the others were busy. It took all the strength and love Niall had for Harry for him to stick it out. It was more difficult than you could imagine to watch someone go through that. To watch as the happy young boy you'd known forever turn into a dark and twisted mere shadow of his former self; become so lost they had no other choice but to leave this world, and then somehow, against all odds, find the strength they no longer had to fight their way back into it. Niall gave so much support to Harry over that year he had none left for himself. Everything he did was for Harry, every thought he had was about Harry. It was draining to say the least, but he knew that Harry had no one else.  
>br /> Even Anne, Harry's mother, couldn't deal with him a lot of the time. The events had taken their toll on her more than anyone else. Imagine being called away from work by someone telling you your only son, your baby, was in the hospital near death after slitting his own wrists. It sent her to a place nearly as dark as Harry had been. She blamed herself for not paying more attention to him, to what she thought must have been cries for help. Gemma and Niall did their best to assure her that there were none; they would have seen it too, but nothing they said would appease Anne. She was his mother and mothers should be able to tell these things. How could this boy she loved so much think he had no one? What had she not given him to make him feel happy, wanted, and loved? It tore through her leaving a hole that would never be filled. She felt she had failed at being a mother, the one thing she loved more than anything else in her life. She had spent even more time than Harry in therapy after the incident and still occasionally went to see her therapist to this day.  
  
It was around this time that Harry began his ritual of sneaking out to climb through Niall's window at all hours of the day or night. Niall became his escape, his salvation in a way. Whenever Anne would go to her 'dark place', as Harry always called it, he would run to Niall. He couldn't handle being around her when she was like that and it only hindered his own recovery. It made him feel even more worthless than before; now he was actually causing his mother pain. There were days she couldn't even bring herself to look at him and that hurt Harry the most. Niall made him promise that he would always come to him first, before anything else. No matter what time it was or what the problem was he was always to go to Niall before doing anything. Although Niall meant it he didn't realize how much he would have to take on. Harry was there nearly every night crying to him, laying everything out that he kept inside. It was a lot, sometimes too much, for Niall to carry with him. They were so young at the time, only fourteen, and Niall didn't have the words or strength to help as much as he wanted too, but he went on for Harry, because he needed to.  
  
This is when they began to use. It was Niall who first introduced Harry to spliff one night when Niall simply couldn't take it anymore. He needed an escape as much as Harry did, but he didn't have anyone whose window he could climb through to cry on. Instead he turned to a simple drug that, 'everyone was doing anyway', to help him cope. He had been smoking it for a while, waiting till after Harry would fall asleep, exhausted from hours of crying, and Niall would sneak out the same window Harry came in to smoke. It was his way of lifting the weight from himself. One night he couldn't deal with anything Harry had to say so he offered some to Harry to help him do the same. That was the biggest mistake Niall had ever made.  
  
He had no idea how quickly Harry would become addicted. He began smoking more than Niall, always searching for more and better stuff, but Niall never fought him because Harry genuinely seemed to be happier and more carefree again. How could Niall know that Harry would quickly decide that simply wasn't enough anymore, the high would never satisfy as much as he needed it too? He only found out when he and Harry went to a party in Bristol and he had found Harry in a bedroom upstairs with Shawna doing blow off of a long mirror they had set on the floor just how bad it had gotten. From that point on there was any number of things Harry could be on. Niall saw it quickly spiral out of control and had to once again save Harry in a way. He had managed to get Harry off of the harder drugs and back to smoking spliff, but Harry didn't find that suitable enough so he struck up a deal with Niall that if Niall would allow him to keep taking pills he wouldn't touch cocaine or anything of the sort again. Niall reluctantly agreed, figuring it would be easier to get Harry off of the pills in the future than the other drugs he had been dabbling in.  
  
This brought them to where they were today, and why Niall was so worried. Harry was in a fragile state, being held together by nothing more than a couple of simple promises and a routine of using that kept him occupied enough to steer clear of the more harmful stuff. Niall knew that one small nudge from anyone could send Harry into a downward spiral. Even if Harry could be helped when that happened again, Niall wasn't sure he would have the strength to do so. This is why he had to talk to Louis, he had to find out what he wanted and warn him about what he could be unleashing.  
  
It was a simple text that brought them together to the small coffee shop where they sat now:  
  
'We need to talk'  
  
That was all it said and Louis knew it was serious. He told Niall where to meet him and when, but had become even more nervous about the meeting when he arrived nearly ten minutes early to find Niall was already there. He was sitting in a secluded corner of the shop staring into his mug of tea when Louis entered. He quickly made his way over to the table and sat across from Niall who glanced away from his cup to smile politely at Louis as he sat.  
  
"Thank you for coming." Niall said taking the last sip from his cup and setting it down with a thud. 'How long had he been here to already be finished?' Louis thought to himself and swallowed thickly.  
  
"Not a problem." His palms were sweaty as he wrung them in his lap under the table. "What did you want to talk about?" Niall pressed his lips together for a moment before taking a large breath and crossing his arms on his chest.  
  
"Harry. More specifically, you and Harry." Louis could have guessed that much, but just what they had to talk about he wasn't sure. Did Niall have something against him?  
  
"Yeah, sure of course." Louis was doing his best to keep his voice even and light, but he couldn't help but feel the pressure Niall was putting him under.  
  
"There are a lot of things you don't know about Harry, things in his past that have happened that make him incredibly vulnerable. As I'm sure you know he isn't the most stable person." Louis almost let out a laugh at that obvious statement but could tell by Niall's stern expression this wasn't a laughing matter, so he muffled the sound with his hand, pretending like he was coughing; Niall didn't totally buy it. "I'm telling you this because I don't know you, or what you want from Harry, or think you can do for him, but you have to know how much he likes you; how into you he is. You need to know because Harry doesn't take things like this lightly. When he's in, he's all in, completely. Do you understand?" Louis took in the words for a moment before nodding.  
  
"Yeah, I think so." Niall nodded back. "Why are you telling me all of this though?" Niall let out a sigh and rested his hands in front of him on the table.  
  
"What I'm trying to say is, unless you're really committed to this, like Harry is, I think it would be best if you ended it now and just left. Harry may not have been great when you came along, but he was on his way to being better." Louis shook his head.  
  
"You're kidding me right? Harry is so messed up right now! He has so many pro-"  
  
"This is nothing compared to the fucking shit hole we dragged him out of barely two years ago!" Louis slumped down in his chair at the anger in Niall's voice. He may be small but he sure as hell was intimidating when he wanted to be. "You weren't there, you don't know what Harry went through. What his mum and sister and I went through with him. Hell, we're all still going through it in a lot of ways. Harry has made a lot of progress since then, and you're right, he's not perfect, but he is trying to cope with living a life that he doesn't want anymore. Do you understand that?" Louis let his mouth hang open for a second but no words came out. He simply shook his head. "Harry tried to kill himself, and damn near succeeded. He was that willing to be done with it all. They saved him though, brought him back to life, but Harry didn't want that life anymore. In his mind death would have been the saving he needed. That's why he did it; he didn't want to be here anymore. Now he's back and trying to cope, trying to find happiness in a world he thinks forgot about him, thinks doesn't care about him." Louis was immediately broken by these words. His heart dropped and he felt an agonizing pain infiltrate his stomach. His eyes were burning with tears. How could Harry believe that?  
  
"I-I had no idea, Niall. I had no idea it was that bad." The tears that were threatening to fall finally did, and Louis quickly raised his hand to brush them away, dropping his head. He felt a hand grasp onto his and looked up to see Niall looking at him, his eyes softer and his hand clutching Louis' own.  
  
"I know, Louis," he spoke softly. "I know you didn't know the extent of it, but that's why I'm telling you. Unless you're really in this, then you need to get out now. Harry's already further in than he should be and if you're not ready to take all of this on then it needs to stop. It needs to stop so i have some hope of putting him back together before we really do lose him for good. Do you understand what I mean?" Niall had brought his other hand up to grasp Louis' as well. Louis wiped at his tears with his free hand once more before taking in a shaky breath and letting it out slowly. He closed his eyes for a moment to think about everything Niall had said. When he opened them Niall had a hopeful look on his face. What he was hoping for Louis wasn't sure. Would he rather he left now to make it easier on everyone? Is that what Louis wanted? How could he be sure he would be able to deal with everything? He wasn't, but what he did know is that he cared enough about Harry to try.  
  
"I care about him, Niall, so much, and I want to help him. I want to see him get better. I want to see the boy that he once was. I want to see the light dance in his eyes again the way I know it can. I've seen it when I'm with him and it is breathtaking, stunning really. That's the boy I know I could love, I know that I was meant to love, and that may sound crazy because we're so young, but there is something inside him that makes me know we are perfect together. He just needs to get through this and I need to help him. I will do everything I can for him, I'll give everything I have to him to make him happy, because that will make me happy. The day he is carefree and smiling again will be the best day of my life, I know it. Trust me Niall, I want to be with him, and I know it won't be easy, but is love ever easy? I don't think it is, and if it is then it isn't really love worth having. It means so much more when you have to fight for it. And that's what I am going to do; I am going to fight for Harry. No matter how hard it is or how long it takes, I will fight. I promise, Niall. I promise." Louis squeezed Niall's hand to emphasize how serious he really was as Niall studied his face for a moment, his face expressionless as he watched Louis. Niall sighed heavily before speaking again,  
  
"I believe you, and you have my blessing. I just hope you realize what you're in for. It's easy to say those things, but can be quite another task to follow through on them, and I want you to know what the consequ-"  
  
"I'm not going to give up." Louis pursed his lips and looked at Niall sternly. "Ever." Niall let a small smile pull at the corners of his lips for the first time since Louis sat down. He squeezed Louis hand again before releasing it and sliding his chair back.  
  
"I need a refill." he announced standing from his chair and grabbing his mug off the table. "Want a tea, mate? My treat." Louis breathed a sigh of relief at Niall's new friendly tone and nodded his head. Niall turned and quickly walked across the shop to the counter as Louis watched him. Louis had meant what he said, every word, but Niall was right; it was easy to say things, but not always easy to carry them out. Louis could only hope now that he had what it took to be strong for Harry, but not just for Harry, but for Niall and Anne too. They would be losing so much more if Louis screwed this up.  
  
The weight of their world was placed on his shoulders, and he just hoped he was strong enough to hold it up.


	9. Chapter Nine

Harry: Morning Lou!!  
Louis: Hey cutie! How are you?  
Harry: Smashing!! And yourself?  
Louis: LOL I'm good! Bored. Wanna come over?  
Harry: YEAH!!!!  
Louis: I figured you'd say that haha! I'll be right round to pick you up :)  
Harry: No, don't worry about it. I'll take the bus!!  
Louis: You sure? It's not a problem really!  
Harry: No!!! Don't worry! I'll be there shortly xx  
Louis: LOL alright. See you in a bit Curly!! xxx

_________________________________________

Louis was laid out on his couch watching some crappy Saturday morning cartoon when he heard a light knock at his door. He quickly sat up and leapt off the couch racing to the door. He threw it open to see Harry standing before him wearing a beanie, a white tank top and tight khaki trousers; he looked incredible. He raised his head to meet Louis' blue eyes and beamed at him, radiating pure joy at seeing his boyfriend. He leapt through the door, throwing himself at Louis, nearly knocking him over. He threw his arms around his neck and Louis wrapped his around Harry's waist and pulled him tight breathing in his sweet scent.  
  
"I've missed you so much!" Harry breathed against Louis' neck. Louis laughed and began to rub Harry's back.  
  
"You saw me yesterday! We went out after school, I bought you a milkshake, remember?" Harry pulled away from him and groaned, rolling his eyes.  
  
"Of course I remember! I also called you last night." he said, a playful smile emerging on his lips.  
  
"Yeah, four times!" Louis laughed and released Harry from his hold, guiding him further into the flat with a hand on his back. He shut the door behind them and walked with Harry over to the couch.  
  
"Is that a problem? I'm sorry if I'm bothering you. You can just tell me to stop." He dropped his head to the floor looking embarrassed.  
  
"Harry, you're not bothering me. You're my boyfriend. You're supposed to call and annoy me at all hours of the day and night. It's part of being a boyfriend." He laughed and slumped onto the couch, pulling Harry down into his lap and cuddling him from behind. "It's totally fine if you call me back not even ten minutes after hanging up." Harry giggled as Louis buried his face in his back before rolling them over so they were spooning each other. Louis wrapped his arm around Harry's chest and Harry held his hand there, entwining their fingers together. "So, what did you want to do today babe?" Louis asked as he played with Harry's fingers.  
  
"This is perfect." Harry sighed and cuddled himself closer to Louis.  
  
"We can't just lay on the couch all day!" Harry made an adorable whimpering noise and rocked his body back against Louis' in protest.  
  
"Why not?" Louis could tell by the tone in his voice that he was pouting. Louis laughed at his reaction and leaned forward to press his lips lightly to the back of Harry's ear. Harry shuddered and clutched Louis' hand tighter at the sensation as Louis' warm breath tickled his neck.  
  
"Well, for one, I'm starving." he said, his lips grazing against Harry's ear, causing Harry to almost groan with sexual frustration. "Have you eaten yet, babe?" Harry shook his head as Louis' hand travelled down from his chest to land on Harry's hip. Harry bit his lip to keep the noise that was building in his throat from making an embarrassing appearance. Louis had to know the effect he was having on the boy though. "Good, then I'll make us some breakfast." He trailed his lips across the back of Harry's neck before pulling them from his skin, much to Harry's disappointment. Louis laid there for a moment waiting for Harry to let him off the couch so he could go find them food, but he showed no signs of budging. "Babe, you have to get up so I can move." Louis laughed slightly. Harry just laid still as a small groan escaped his lips.  
  
"I can't." He said very deliberately.  
  
"Hmm? Why not?" Louis asked as his hand began to trace circles on the skin where his hand had moved up Harry's shirt.  
  
"I've got a... bit of a problem at the moment." Harry said while he swiveled his hips in an attempt to readjust himself. Louis took a moment to think about the words before they finally clicked. He quickly removed his hand from under Harry's shirt and laughed.  
  
"Are you hard right now?" He asked, whispering into his ear once more. Harry laid perfectly still for a moment before nodding his head. Louis laughed again, much louder this time. Harry groaned and reached back to hit Louis' leg.  
  
"It's not funny!" Harry crossed his arms against his chest and let out another miserable whimper.  
  
"It's pretty damn funny, actually. Besides, I'm most likely going to see it eventually, aren't I?" Louis laughed again and tickled Harry's side. Harry squirmed and swatted his hand away.  
  
"You shouldn't see that before you've even kissed me though. That doesn't seem right." Louis sighed and rubbed Harry's back.  
  
"Oh, so you're, like, the old fashioned romantic type then, huh?" they both laughed for a second.  
  
"Hardly. You just make such a big deal out of kissing me, but when it comes to this you're so fucking casual." Harry said rolling his eyes.  
  
"I'm sorry Harry, I don't mean to be. Come on, seriously, it isn't like you're naked. I'll avert my eyes for a moment if it makes you feel better." Harry huffed and stilled himself for a moment before swinging his legs off the couch and sitting up. Louis pushed himself up and off the couch looking over at Harry to see him looking down at the ground with his hands in his crotch, pulling slightly at the tight material. "Well, I'm going to go start cooking, are you going to join me?"  
  
"Just give me a minute, please, while I deal with... this." He wouldn't look up to meet Louis' eyes, obviously embarrassed.  
  
"Yeah, fine babe, whatever you need." Louis patted him on the back of the shoulder before sauntering off to the kitchen, chuckling to himself under his breath. He opened the fridge and surveyed the lack of food they had in their flat. He frowned when he realized it was either eggs or old take away.  
  
"Egg on toast okay?" Louis yelled over his shoulder, retrieving the eggs from the fridge and setting them on the counter.  
  
"Yeah, that's perfect." Louis jumped when Harry's voice came from directly behind him. He turned to see Harry standing a few inches from him.  
  
"All better?" Louis asked with a smirk glancing down. Harry blushed and shook his head.  
  
"Yeah, I'm fine."  
  
"Good, then you can cook!" Louis said grabbing the eggs and handing them to Harry.  
  
"I thought you were going to cook for me!" Harry groaned.  
  
"Yeah, well I can't really cook. Jasper usually does that." He smiled at Harry and turned to retrieve a pan for him.  
  
"Fine! You're lucky I know how to make eggs, otherwise we would starve." He moved past Louis to the stove and flicked it on.  
  
"I can make toast though!" Louis announced retrieving a loaf of bread and opening it.  
  
"Good for you!" Harry replied mockingly as he cracked a couple eggs into the pan. "You know eggs are about the easiest thing to make in the world." Louis shrugged and put a couple of pieces of bread in the toaster.  
  
"But this way I get to watch you make it while I sit here and do nothing." He leapt up on the counter next to where Harry was standing and beamed at him.  
  
"Cheeky bastard. Don't expect this to become a regular thing you know."  
  
"I was hoping you'd make me breakfast every Saturday!" Louis pulled Harry over him so he was standing between his legs and laced his fingers through his hair. Harry closed his eyes and smiled as Louis rubbed his hands through his hair; Harry was practically purring. Harry opened his eyes to see Louis staring into his own intently, dark with something. Lust perhaps? Harry brought his hands up to rest on Louis waist as they both stood just staring, breathing steadily. Harry pushed Louis shirt up and his hands found their way under the thin material, rubbing along his lower back. Louis tongue darted out to swipe across his lip before pulling it in between his teeth. Harry was transfixed and his problem from early was quickly resurfacing, this time he didn't care, however, he knew Louis was have the same difficulties.  
  
Harry moved into him, pressing himself against Louis body and pulling his face up to Louis' neck. He breathed in his scent, a mix of sweet flowers and a dark musk that made Harry weak. He pressed his lips lightly to the soft skin and he felt a vibration go through Louis neck as a small, almost inaudible, moan escaped him. Harry pressed harder, moving his lips against Louis as Louis' hands gripped harder into Harry's hair.  
  
The toast popping form the toaster made them both jump and giggle at their reaction. They stayed for a moment longer staring at each other.  
  
"Shit! The eggs!" Harry blurted as he pulled himself from Louis to return to the stove. He let out a sigh of relief when he realized they hadn't been burned to a crisp. He removed them from the heat quickly and turned off the stove. He slid the eggs onto a plate Louis was holding out for him and returned the pan to the stove.  
  
"Is there a plate for me?" He asked looking at the single plate Louis was holding.  
  
"Nope, we're sharing. Less dishes."  
  
"You're so lazy!" Harry rolled his eyes, repositioning himself between Louis' legs and picking up a piece of toast off the plate and chomping on it. Louis just shrugged and did the same.  
  
"We're sharing a fork too." Louis said. Harry laughed and smirked.  
  
"Only if you'll feed me." Harry winked and opened his mouth. Louis laughed and picked up a piece of egg with the fork, placing it in Harry's mouth. Harry closed his lips around it, keeping eye contact with Louis who was staring at Harry's mouth. Harry wasn't trying to be so seductive but he could tell by the look on Louis face that he was being. Louis managed to pull his eyes away for a moment to eat some himself.  
  
"So, tell me about your family." Louis asked innocently.  
  
"What do you want to know." Louis shrugged.  
  
"Everything." He placed the plate down next to him and laid his arms over Harry's shoulders, playing with the small curls at the nape of his neck.  
  
"Well, there's my mom, Anne, my older sister Gemma, and my step-dad. My mom has always been like my best friend, my sister too, but I don't see her very much anymore since she went away to school."  
  
"Has that been hard for you?" Louis' voice was sincere and Harry was caught off guard by his intense interest in the subject. Harry sighed and wrapped his arms back around Louis' waist.  
  
"Yeah, it was at first, but I'm kind of used to not having her around now, ya know? It just sucks that I don't talk to her a lot anymore. I don't really talk to my mom a lot anymore either though..." Harry dropped his eyes from Louis' and moved his hands to rest on Louis' thighs.  
  
"Why is that?" Louis asked, his eyes narrowing. Harry shrugged again, trying to think about the best way to answer.  
  
"She finds it hard to deal with me, I guess. I've hurt her in the past. Not that it was my intention too, but it just happened that way. " Louis could tell that Harry's mind was racing over the past, all the things that had happened to change their relationship a couple of years ago. He knew he wanted to ask Harry about it, but didn't want to push too much.  
  
"How did you hurt her?" Louis wasn't sure if the question was too much, but he was hoping that Harry would open up to him a little. Harry took a deep breath and pulled his eyes back up to meet Louis'.  
  
"I did some things that were selfish. I didn't see it that way at the time though. At the time it seemed like the right thing to do, ya know? The right thing for me anyway, I guess I didn't realize how much those things would affect the people around me. It was stupid but it's in the past now. Can we not talk about this anymore?" Louis saw that his eyes were distant and shimmering with tears. He felt bad for bringing it up. He pulled Harry into a tight hug and rested his chin on top of his head.  
  
"Yeah, of course, babe. Want to watch a movie or something?" He felt Harry nod and released his arms from around his shoulders. Harry stepped back and Louis hopped off the counter, wrapping his arms back around Harry's waist and guiding him into the living room again. Harry sunk onto the couch. "What shall we watch?" He looked back to Harry who looked slightly miserable, obviously Louis had brought up to many bad memories and he felt terrible. "Something light hearted, yeah?" Harry looked up and nodded, trying to force a smile. Louis turned to examine his DVD collection. "How about 'The Lion King'? You can't get much more light hearted that Disney, right?" Harry laughed and nodded.  
  
"Yeah, I haven't seen that in ages."  
  
"Then Lion King it is!" Louis pulled the DVD from the shelf and popped it into the DVD player before returning to the couch to sit next to Harry. While the movie started they sat with some distance between them as neither said a word. Louis kept glancing at Harry and he could tell he wasn't entirely focused on what they were watching. He slowly slid over on the couch and stretched his arm to rest it on the couch behind Harry. Harry didn't move, he only stared straight ahead, his hands folded in his laps and no emotion playing on his face. Louis wasn't sure what to say to make the situation better. He wanted to pull Harry into him and cuddle him till he was smiling and had forgotten about his worries, but Louis knew that might be to bold of a move at this point. He would wait till Harry made a move and only imply what he wanted instead. He spread his legs apart slightly till his leg was resting against Harry's. He watched has Harry glanced at their legs next to each other and stared. Louis chewed on his lips while he waited for Harry to react.  
  
After what seemed like forever of sitting like this Harry finally pulled his legs up under himself and leaned against Louis. Louis smiled to himself and brought his arm off of the couch to rest on Harry's shoulder. Harry cuddled himself further against Louis, nuzzling his head against his side. Louis brought his other hand up to hold Harry's in his lap. Harry sighed as Louis traced small shapes on his palm and buried himself further into Louis' side. Louis ran his fingertips up the inside of Harry's arm and back down again, hearing Harry giggle and flinch as the touch tickled him. Louis smiled again at the sound. He was glad Harry was feeling better. His fingers continued to travel over him only stopping when he touched a rough spot of skin. He glanced down at Harry's wrist to see a long, ragged scar running up his arm. He gasped as he saw the scar he had never noticed before.  
  
Harry pulled his arm away and sat up abruptly.  
  
"Harry-" Louis began.  
  
"It's nothing." Harry shot back quickly, clutching his other hand over the scar.  
  
"Harry, Niall told me what happened." Harry's head spun quickly with a snap to look at Louis, his eyes alight with fury.  
  
"He did what? Why did he tell you? It's not his place to say anything about me!" Harry was now standing in front of Louis, his face red and his hands balled into tight, white knuckled fists at his side.  
  
"I'm sorry, Harry. He wanted to talk so I went and met him and he told me what happened." Louis reached up to try and grab Harry's hands but he pulled them away. "He was trying to help Harry. He was only looking out for you, making sure that I knew what I was getting myself into by dating you." Harry's face went into a look of disgust and Louis realized how terrible his wording was. "That's not what I meant Harry, I just meant... that... fuck! I don't know what to say Harry, I'm sorry. He was just looking out for you, making sure that I was in this for the right reasons and I wasn't going to run off when I found out about all of this. He was just making sure that I wouldn't hurt you. He was being a good friend, Harry! I'm so sorry!"  
  
"You have nothing to apologize for, Louis. I just can't believe Niall would tell you things about me he knows are so personal. I was going to tell you when I was ready! I'm not ready to talk about this with you! I'm just not!" Harry turned and walked away from Louis and he could hear sobs coming from the broken boy in front of him. Louis stood and walked toward Harry, reaching out to touch him but second guessing the move.  
  
"Harry, we don't have to talk about it now, that's fine. I can wait till you're ready to tell me about it, okay."  
  
"But now you know! You know how fucked up I am... and... what if you don't want me anymore?" Harry spoke so softly Louis barely heard him. He stepped forward and laid his hand on Harry's back. Harry flinched away for a moment before settling back into the touch.  
  
"I'm not going anywhere, Harry. You're here aren't you? I know don't I? I may not know all the details, but something like that isn't going to make me run away. I care about you, so much, more than you know. This isn't changing the way I feel about you. It makes me like you more and admire you more." Harry froze at those words. He turned to face Louis, his face red and stained with tears.  
  
"Admire me? How?" He looked confused as he took in a shuddering breath.  
  
"Because Harry, you went through that and you're still here; you're somehow still fighting. You're strong Harry, you're so strong, and you don't even realize it. There are so many people who wouldn't be where you are, who would have given up completely. But you're fighting, whether you believe that or not I can see it in you. You're fighting for your fucking life everyday, struggling against all the demons you hold in, but you're still here." Louis felt tears fall from his own eyes. "And... and I need you here Harry. I need you so much, I want you so much. I want you to get better so I can have all of you. There are so many parts of you that I know you never reveal, but I want to see them. I don't care how dark or scary they are, I want to see them. When I said I wanted to know you I meant it. I didn't mean that I just wanted to know the surface things, I meant I want to know everything. All the dark shit, all the pain, it's apart of you. I see it in you and that's what makes you so incredible. You hold it all in and yet you're still fighting, but you don't have to fight alone. I want to help you put it all in your past. I see a bright future for you and I want to be apart of that future. I want to be standing beside you the whole way, guiding you in any way I can, because I care about you. You're someone I can see myself falling in love with eventually." Harry couldn't believe everything that Louis had said. He stood frozen in place. No one had ever said they wanted to help him fight. No one knew how hard he had to fight, but Louis seemed to understand, whether they were just words or not, they were just what Harry had been waiting to hear. He completely broke down, hot tears bursting from his eyes. Louis reached out and pulled him tightly to his chest, cradling his head in his hands.  
  
They stood holding each other, crying, for a long period of time. Louis began stroking his hair and rubbing his back, trying to comfort him. When finally Harry calmed down a bit Louis led him back to the couch where they sunk down together, laying facing one another. Neither of them spoke, they just laid holding each other closely.  
  
"Louis?" Harry asked meekly.  
  
"Yeah, babe?"  
  
"I've been good recently, right? Like, you can tell I've been trying, right?" Louis pulled away from Harry to study his face for a moment.  
  
"Yeah, I can tell. I'm proud of you, babe. You know that."  
  
"I know. I was just thinking... maybe I've earned a kiss?" Louis was caught off guard by that. He looked down to see Harry staring at him intently, pleading with his eyes. Louis swallowed thickly before answering.  
  
"Yeah, I guess you have, but it's not like you had to 'earn' it, I just wanted it to be good... for you." Harry smiled at him. "You sure you want it to be now? I mean after everything that just happened?" Harry rolled his eyes.  
  
"You keep waiting for this perfect moment. I think it's the perfect moment when you're with the person you want to kiss. It shouldn't matter what else is going on. I like you, you like me, we're together now all cuddled on a couch, how much more perfect could it get? Do you want candles and the whole bit?" Louis laughed.  
  
"No, I guess not." He pushed Harry's curls from his eyes and let out a long breath as he stared into Harry's deep eyes. Harry took a breath and rolled himself on top of Louis so he was straddling his waist. Louis looked surprised at the motion, but readjusted himself below Harry to get more comfortable. Harry looked down on him, his eyes tracing over Louis face as a smile crawled across his lips. Louis watched as his eyes sparkled at him. He reached up to set his hand on Harry's cheek and Harry began to lower himself over Louis' face. They were mere centimeters away, they both took a deep breath as Harry brought his hand up to rest on Louis chest. Their eyes connected again intensely for a moment before Harry closed his. Louis followed suit and felt Harry lower himself the rest of the way.  
  
Their lips met softly, both boys feeling a jolt of electricity shoot through them. It was timid and light and utterly perfect as their lips came together with a little more force. Louis reached his hand around to pull Harry down onto him. The kiss deepened as Harry's lips parted and connected fully with Louis. They began to move against each other, both letting themselves go, letting the feeling surge through their whole bodies. Harry opened his mouth more, sliding his tongue across Louis lips, begging for entrance. Louis obliged and opened his mouth with a soft moan. Harry's tongue immediately entered Louis' mouth, gliding across the top of Louis' tongue before swirling around it and pulling it into his own. Harry pressed his body down onto Louis as he brought his hand up to pull lightly at Louis' hair. Their tongues fought for dominance as they danced over each other, both pressing harder against the other.  
  
Before they knew it they were both lost in the moment, kissing fervently, hungrily. Harry began to grind his hips down on Louis' and he could feel Louis getting hard against him. Harry pulled his lips away and began to kiss at Louis cheek and down his neck. Louis moaned loudly as Harry connected with a sweet spot just above his collar bone. He pushed at the back of Harry's head as his other hand wandered up and down Harry's back and side. Harry sat up off of him for a moment before he leaned his head down to connect with Louis' lips again. Louis felt Harry's hands glide down his stomach and begin to undo the top button on his pants. Louis pulled away and looked up at Harry's with a question in his eyes.  
  
"What are you doing?" He asked breathlessly, trying to push Harry's hand away.  
  
"Just relax." Harry pushed Louis' hand from his own and continued to undo Louis' trousers.  
  
"Harry-"  
  
"I want to do this. I can tell you want it too." Harry's hand made it down Louis' pants and Louis gasped as his long fingers curled around the head of his cock.  
"No, Harry-"  
  
"Stop fighting. I want to do this for you. Just let me." Louis resigned and nodded slightly. Harry lowered himself again to kiss Louis' lips gently before moving back to his neck and down to his chest. He kissed at Louis' body through his shirt, raising it with his other hand till his mouth came in contact with the warm skin just above Louis' pants. He licked along the hem of his pants and Louis groaned at the sensation. "I want to make you feel good." Harry let out as he pushed Louis' pants down slightly. Louis lost all will to fight and lifted his hips slightly as Harry slid his pants down, then his underwear, freeing Louis' hard cock from their confines. Louis took in a shuddering breath as the cool air made contact with the sensitive skin.  
  
Harry sat up off of him slightly as he finished taking his pants off. He licked up the inside of Louis' thigh as he positioned himself between his legs. He gripped Louis' length again as he brought his eyes up to catch Louis' who was looking down at the boy with half lidded eyes, full of lust. Harry stroked him for a second, lowering himself to kiss the head of Louis' cock, before swirling his tongue over it. Louis moaned and bucked his hips slightly. Harry took this opportunity to plunge himself down onto his length, taking most of it into his mouth, before coming back up and going down once more, taking more in this time. Louis felt himself hit the back of Harry's throat and his hand went to Harry's hair to hold him there for a moment as Louis shuddered under the sensation. He released Harry's head and the boy pulled up again only to go back down, this time taking in his full length, gagging for a moment as it slid down his throat, before relaxing his muscles and taking it in easier.  
  
Louis threw his head back and shut his eyes tightly as Harry built a momentum, bobbing his head up and down faster and faster. Louis' whole body was shaking slightly as Harry worked on him.  
  
"Look at me." He heard Harry say and Louis opened his eyes to look down on the boy who was staring straight up at him as he wrapped his lips tightly around the head again, hollowing his cheeks as he created an intense suction. Louis bit his lip to muffle a moan that escaped anyway. Harry looked so beautiful in that moment. His curls falling and tickling Louis stomach as he slid his length further and further back in his mouth, never losing eye contact. Louis arched up as Harry took him all in, tears forming in his eyes, as he gagged slightly before settling and moving his head slightly so the head of Louis' cock slid against the back of his soft throat over and over. The sensation was almost too much for Louis as he gripped tightly to the curls at the back of Harry's head.  
  
Harry stopped moving and looked up at Louis again, nodding slightly, and Louis got the hint. He gripped harder to the back of his head as he brought his hips up, sliding himself back into Harry's mouth. He continued to thrust up faster and faster fucking Harry's mouth hard. Louis breath quickened as he felt his body tense and a warmth spread through his lower abdomen; he was getting close. Harry's hands foudn their way up under Louis shirt, scratching roughly at his abs and pecs. He pushed Harry's head down harder and thrust his hips up into him faster. Harry didn't complain once as Louis abused his throat with his long hard cock. In fact, Louis could tell he was loving it as his tongue swirled around his shaft in time with his thrusts.  
  
Louis pushed him down one last time before letting out a loud moan that could have been classified more as a shout. He came hard down Harry's throat, shooting over and over as his body shook and his hand gripped harder into Harry's curls pulling probably just a little too hard. Harry only seemed to love it more as he swallowed quickly letting moan escape his lips too around Louis' length. Louis let his hands drop from Harry's head as Harry continued to work on him long after he had finished cumming, moving his head up and down slowly, licking along his length and making brief contact with Louis' now overly sensitive head.  
  
Louis was panting hard as Harry finally pulled up off of him with a slight 'pop'. Harry crawled up along Louis body and laid on his chest. Louis tilted Harry's head up to connect their lips again, moving their tongues against each other. Louis could taste his own salty-sweet liquid still on Harry's tongue as they kissed. Harry sighed as he pulled away and rested his head on Louis' still heaving chest.  
  
"So, you're staying over tonight, right?" Louis asked as he played with Harry's curls.  
  
"Am I?" Harry asked.  
  
"Oh, yeah. I have to return the favor." Harry laughed.  
  
"No you don't! That was just for you."  
  
"Oh, no, you don't get to have all the fun." Harry looked up as Louis pushed him off of chest and stood from the couch. He grabbed Harry's hand and pulled him off the couch and down the hall to his room, shutting the door behind them.


	10. Chapter Ten

Harry sat with his eyes closed taking in the breeze coming through his open window and the soothing sound of his boyfriend singing along to the radio next to him as Louis drove them both to school on Monday morning. Harry ended up staying over the whole weekend as the two couldn't seem to separate themselves. Harry would have sung along too but his throat was too raw from being ravaged over and over. He couldn't complain though, it had all been at his insistence, not even accepting Louis' offers to return the favor, except for once that Saturday night. He looked over to see Louis smiling and tapping his hand against the steering wheel, looking like perfection personified. His tan skin was glowing in the sun light and the blue in his striped tee brought out the deep blue of his own eyes. Louis looked so utterly happy and content Harry couldn't help but smile. His mind, however, had a million questions circling in it.  
  
"Lou, can I ask you something?" Harry asked tentatively. Louis reached out and turned the radio down.  
  
"Of course, Hazza. What's up?" Harry smiled at his new nickname before getting nervous again.  
  
"Well, I was just wondering if you thought... maybe, like, we went too fast this weekend?" Louis raised his eyebrows and shot a glance over at Harry before he laughed.  
  
"Honestly?" Harry nodded. "Yeah, I do," Harry felt his stomach drop. He knew he was pushing too hard, but Louis had never pushed him away so he figured everything was fine. "But that doesn't mean I didn't want it; that I didn't enjoy it. I just would have preferred to wait a little, but that's fine, Haz. If what you wanted it, and if you were ready then I wasn't going to complain. I mean it isn't like I hadn't been thinking about it since the day I met you." Louis reached over and gave Harry's knee a reassuring squeeze. Harry quickly grabbed Louis hand and squeezed it in his own, linking their fingers together. Louis looked over at him and smiled, squeezing Harry's hand back.  
  
"Okay... I'm not ready to go any further though. I just want you to know that. I'll get down on my knees all day for you, but I don't want to do anything else. Is that, okay?"  
  
"Yeah, of course! Hazza, even if you told me you were ready I wouldn't have sex with you. I'm not ready for us to take it to that level. You mean a lot to me, this relationship means a lot to me. We don't need sex, not yet anyway. We need to see how this goes, ya know? Just us being together, without all of those complications." He pulled Harry's hand toward him and placed a few quick kisses to his fingers. "I also don't want you sucking my dick everyday." Louis laughed and Harry looked confused and slightly heartbroken.  
  
"Was it not good enough?" Louis' eyes went wide. Had his reaction to ever touch and flick of Harry's tongue not made it obvious that it was the best head he had ever received? Surely the fact that he was able to go multiple times in a row without stopping had to give Harry some hint at how incredible his technique was. Harry had made him cum so many time in one night it was almost painful.  
  
"Harry, that's ridiculous! You're beyond amazing, almost frighteningly good at it. I don't even want to know where you learned all of that, and I mean that literally. I'd rather be in the dark about how you got so good." Louis laughed as Harry pulled his hand from Louis to cross his arms and pout.  
  
"I'm not a slut." Harry said very matter-of-factly.  
  
"I know, I know. What I was saying is that I don't want you to feel obligated to have to do that all the time. I want there to be more to our relationship than just blow-jobs and sex. I think that's what happens when you have sex too soon in a relationship, it's easy for that to become the center of the relationship and you forget to form an actual emotional bond with the person. That's why I would have preferred to wait a little longer. It never lasts when it becomes all about sex, believe me." Harry's body eased as he understood what Louis was saying.  
  
"Yeah, I don't want that to happen to us either." Louis smiled over at Harry as Harry turned to look back out his window. "Hey, Lou?"  
  
"Yeah, babe?" Harry bit his lip, not sure if he wanted to ask his next question.  
  
"How many guys have you dated?" Louis was caught off guard by the question, not that he cared or had anything to hide he just never expected Harry to ask.  
  
"Like, just dated? Quite a few, honestly I don't know. How many actual boyfriends have I had? Three, that were ever serious at all, and even they were never that serious. I wasn't with any of them more than a few months before we broke up. Why do you ask?" Harry shrugged.  
  
"I was just wondering. Why did you break up?" Louis wasn't sure where this line of questioning was coming from or where it was leading, but he saw no reason to not be honest.  
  
"We just weren't right, ya know? Honestly, most of the time it was like I said before; all about sex and not about substance. That's how I know no relationship can last like that." Harry nodded.  
  
"So, have you slept with a lot of guys then?" Louis nearly choked on his own tongue at the question. That was something he definitely wasn't expecting to be asked.  
  
"Umm.. Well, a few. I mean I definitely had a period when I was a young horny teen that I slept around a bit. I had my share of hook-ups and one night stands, but they were all meaningless and I got over it pretty quickly. Since then I've only slept with guys I was in a relationship with. Which is probably why I gave in so easily to you. I was a little bit sexually frustrated seeing as my last relationship ended almost a year ago. That and the way you look at me with those beautiful eyes; I find it quite impossible to say no when you get all sexy like that." Louis winked at Harry and his cheeks went bright red.  
  
"I'm not sexy." Louis laughed loudly at the ridiculous statement.  
  
"The fuck you're not! If you only knew the things you do to me, Haz. You don't even have to try! You just have to stand there looking all adorable, as you always do, and I have to literally fight with myself to keep from jumping you and pinning you down so I can have my way with you. When you're actually trying to be sexy though... that's a whole other story. I get flustered just thinking about it." Louis pulled at the collar of his shirt and Harry laughed at him. "You don't give yourself enough credit, babe. I have to say you are the sexiest boyfriend I've ever had." He looked over at Harry who was giving him a disbelieving glare. "Jasper thinks so too." Harry's mouth dropped open and his eyes went wide.  
  
"He told you that? When did he say that?"  
  
"Yesterday morning while you were still sleeping. That was even after he saw you late at night and we were all worn out and sweaty and shoveling food into our mouths, and he still thought you were 'damn near perfect'. Seriously, he said that!" Harry couldn't help but smile. "You're hot, babe, and you're all mine!" Louis winked at Harry again and reached over to rub his thigh. Harry blushed again and grabbed Louis hand from his leg, tracing shapes along his palm. He sighed and returned to gazing out the window.  
  
They were almost to school and Harry felt an overwhelming sense of dread creep over him. He hated school before and he hated it even more now because it meant he had to be away from Louis with little to no communication throughout the day. Their school had a very strict no phone policy so even if one of them managed to sneak in a text there was no telling when the other would be able to respond. Not to mention Harry also hadn't had his usual opportunity to smoke that day seeing as he had been with Louis all weekend. Harry hated himself for thinking about it, but he couldn't help it. Those last two days were the longest he had gone in probably over a year that he hadn't smoked or drank or... something. Suddenly the collar on his shirt was too scratchy, his tie too tight. He reached up and loosened it a bit, scratching at the skin beneath his collar.  
  
"I hate these fucking uniforms. You're so lucky you don't have to wear one anymore." Louis laughed slightly before sticking out his bottom lip and shooting Harry an apologetic look.  
  
"Yeah, that is one of the beauties of being in your last year. They can't really make you do shit anymore."  
  
"Well, it's not fair. If you don't have to wear it than neither should I." Harry crossed his arms over his chest and huffed in defiance. Louis could only laugh at his ridiculousness. Within a minute they were pulling into the large car park of their school. It was nearly full at this point as they had taken a bit longer than expected to get ready. Louis would blame this on Harry's insistence that they stay in bed cuddling for 'just a few minutes more'. Harry would blame it on Louis who couldn't seem to keep his lips off Harry's for enough time to let him get dressed and tame his mass of hair. Who ever was at fault, neither of them cared. They wouldn't have traded a single moment of it for anything in the world.  
  
Louis pulled into one of the last spots in a row furthest from the school building. He put his car in park and killed he engine, glancing over at Harry once more, who looked miserable.  
  
"It's only a few hours and then we'll be right back here again, okay?" Harry nodded and retrieved his bag from the floor in front of him. Louis got out and rounded the car to open Harry's door to let him out. He shut the door behind him as Harry just hung his head. Louis stepped in front of him and pulled his face up to meet his own.  
  
"You'll be fine. You can manage a couple of hours without me." Louis glanced around quickly to make sure no one was looking before he leaned in and planted his lips on Harry's. Harry's hands were immediately at Louis' waist pulling him in before Louis could pull back. The kiss deepened for a moment before Louis finally pushed Harry off of him. Louis stepped back and smiled, pulling his bag further up on his shoulder.  
  
"We're at school, Haz. Save it for later when we can actually be alone." Harry frowned but nodded. The last thing he needed was everyone seeing him making out with Louis. He didn't need to give them any real ammunition to use against him.  
  
"Okay, but you have to make it up to me later." Louis laughed and nodded.  
  
"Okay, Hazza. We can make out all you want later." He reached up and rustled Harry's hair as Harry protested, trying to get it to lay somewhat flat again.  
  
"I told Niall I'd meet him before class so I should go find him." He pulled his backpack up higher on his back.  
  
"Alright, tell him I say 'hi'." Harry nodded and began to walk away before Louis' hand caught his own. He turned back to look at Louis.  
  
"Have a good day, babe. I'll be thinking about you." Louis smiled and squeezed his hand before turning and walking off toward the school building. Harry sighed as he watched Louis walk off, his ass looking incredibly perfect in his tight aqua jeans. Harry quickly turned and started to walk toward the back of the building where he always met Niall, usually while he was getting drunk.  
  
He was lost in thoughts of Louis, naturally, when he felt a hand grab at his shoulder spinning him around.  
  
"Who's your boyfriend, Styles?" It was Liam, Zayn was not far behind.  
  
"I don't know what you're talking about." Harry turned way and tried to walk as quickly as he could, but the boys caught him again.  
  
"Don't even try and lie. We saw you kiss him." Zayn said stepping up into Harry's face.  
  
"Yeah, and even if we didn't that hickey on your neck tells another story." Harry's hand shot up to his neck where Louis had left his mark the night before. He pulled his collar up and tightened his tie again to hide it.  
  
"Isn't he the same guy that pulled us of him the other day, Liam?" Zayn asked with a smirk.  
  
"Oh, yeah, I think you're right. He's a fucking asshole, ain't he Zayn?" Harry's eyes went dark at the insult. How dare anyone call Louis, his boyfriend, an asshole. Harry clenched his jaw and balled his hands at his sides.  
  
"Oh, look the little faggot's getting angry. You better not insult his little girlfriend anymore or he might do something terrible." Zayn pretended to cower behind Liam before both boys laughed.  
  
"Don't talk about him like that." Harry was seething. His body shaking with anger.  
  
"Oh, yeah? What the fuck are you going to do about it, faggot?" Zayn stepped out form behind Liam and went toe to toe with Harry. Harry ground his teeth together and clenched his fist tighter before he brought it up and connected it with Zayn's jaw. As soon as he did it he knew he had made a terrible mistake. Zayn clutched his hand to his face, turning back to look at Harry, and Harry had never seen so much fury in the boy before. He was really in for it this time. Zayn immediately punched him back, pain searing through Harry's jaw and he tasted blood. His vision went black for a second before he came out of it seeing stars. He barely had a chance to recover when Zayn's hand collided with his face again, knocking Harry to the ground.  
  
Harry cried out in pain, but the wind was immediately knocked out of him by Liam's foot connecting with his stomach. All that escaped Harry was a choked yelp. He rolled himself over in an attempt to crawl away, or get back to his feet, he wasn't sure which, but he didn't have time to figure it out before one of the boys brought their foot down on his back. Harry tried to cry out again but no sound came; he had had the wind completely knocked out of him. He felt a foot connect with his side turning him back over onto his back. Before he could react at all Zayn was pinning him down, landing blows on his face again.  
  
Harry laid on the ground taking the beating for what seemed like an eternity, willing himself to just black out. His whole body felt like it was on fire. Pain travelled from his stomach to his back and up to his face. He felt blood running from his mouth, his nose, from just under his eye where Zayn had re-broken the skin that was finally starting to heal from the weekend prior, and all he wanted to do was be dead. He shut his eyes at tightly as possible and willed himself away, somewhere safe and warm. his usual world didn't come to mind this time though. Now he was in Louis' flat, in his bed, in his arms being held tight and comforted. His boyfriend running his hands gently along his arms and cheeks, singing softly into his ear. He felt warm kisses press against his forehead and neck, against his lips. Here he felt safe and loved, warm and protected. He forgot about the world around him and pain and the anger; he was simply himself.  
  
He thought of Louis' blue eyes and how serene they made him feel when he looked into them. He thought about how without a word they could make him feel perfect and beautiful. He thought of Louis' perfectly tanned skin and how soft and warm it was to touch. How good it felt to run his hands and lips over his smooth skin. He thought of his perfect white teeth that always showed when he smiled or laughed. How his laugh made his heart skip a beat because it was so full of joy Harry couldn't help but be happy when he heard it. He thought about his beautiful feather hair and the way it felt between his fingers. The sounds that would fall from Louis' lips when he pulled on it while kissing him. Everything about Louis was perfect. Everything about him made Harry feel like that's where he belonged, in his arms. This world was perfect and he never wanted to leave it.  
  
When he finally opened his eyes again Zayn and Liam were gone. He didn't know how long it had been that they were beating on him or how long they had been gone. He rolled carefully to his stomach and pressed himself off the ground, his body seizing with pain. He spat and blood went flying form his mouth. His eyes were hazy with tears he didn't know he was crying. He fumbled to his feet and made his way to the back of the school building where he sunk down between the two dumpsters and cried.  
  
A moment later Niall was at his side, pulling Harry gently into his arms and holding him there, telling him everything would be alright. He heard Niall sob and scream curses at the boys responsible even though Harry knew they couldn't hear. He was grateful Niall had found him and was there with him. He didn't want Louis now, he wanted Niall and what he knew Niall had to offer him.  
  
"I need something Niall." Harry sputtered, blood still falling from his mouth.  
  
"What, Harry? What do you need?" Niall pulled back from Harry and wiped away the blood that had returned to his cuts. "Tell me what I can do for you, Harry. What do you need?" Harry wiped at his eyes and tried to steady his breathing. He took in a few stuttering breaths before he could speak again.  
  
"Pills."


	11. Chapter Eleven

Harry laid in the thick grass, the top of his head pressed against Niall's as they both laid staring silently up at the sky. The clouds were swirling in Harry's mind, glowing all the colors of the rainbow. The sun was pulsing, setting fire to the sky in brilliant oranges and pinks before fading back to blue and a dull grey. Harry smiled as the wind blew across his body sending a tingling sensation through his skin deep into his core. He felt his body simultaneously float up and sink further into the ground. Stretching his arms above his head his hands collided with Niall's and they both instinctively curled their fingers together. Through the connection they could both feel every part of each other; their pulses racing, their breathing quick and shallow. They felt as though they had melded into one being, connected so completely nothing could break them apart.  
  
Harry felt a swirling in his head as his vision went blurry for a moment. He shut his eyes and breathed deeply, feeling Niall do the same; connected. Lights illuminated the the back of his eyelids, dancing a spectacular show for him. He gasped at the beauty of the small lights playing in his eyes. He let out a long sigh ending in a laugh as his mouth curled into a wide smile. Niall's fingers clenched Harry's own tighter and he started rubbing circles with his thumbs into Harry's hand. Harry's arms shook at the sensation and he gasped again as the lights in his eyes pulsed brighter and danced faster as if in reaction to the touch. It was linking his whole body with his mind and the world around him. He felt grounded, he felt free.  
  
"Harry?" Niall spoke softly. Harry let his eyes flutter open to see the swirling sky once more.  
  
"Yeah, Nialler?" He stroked back at Niall's hands and felt him shudder at the touch as well.  
  
"I love you." Niall sighed.  
  
"I love you too, Niall. So fucking much." Harry unlatched his hands from Niall's and sat up, turning his body around to look down on Niall still lying on the ground staring wide eyed at the sky. "Your eyes look crazy right now!" Harry said grasping Niall's head and tilting it back slightly to look at him better.  
  
"Do they? What do they look like?" Harry stared at the blue in them, almost completely seized by the black of his pupils.  
  
"Like, blue flames... swirling. It's really cool." Niall smiled and pulled himself up to look at Harry.  
  
"Yours look so intense, Harry! They're, like... lava. It looks like they are dripping green. That's so amazing!" Harry smiled and swayed forward slightly. He let himself fall into Niall, his forehead resting against Niall's chest. Niall's hands immediately latched onto Harry's hair and got tangled in the mess of curls. Both boys gasped at their individual sensations before laughing at each other. "You're hair is, like, the most amazing thing in this whole word, seriously."  
  
"Yeah, Louis likes it too." Harry said with a chuckle remembering the way he weaved his fingers into it while he was sucking him off. Pulling it firmly and making Harry moan against him.  
  
"I have a present for you!" Niall pulled back from him and stretched his legs, reaching into his pocket. Harry watched him quizzically before Niall pulled a spliff from his pocket. Harry grinned, bouncing giddily.  
  
"You read my fucking mind, Nialler!" Niall laughed and held it out to Harry.  
  
"Greens?" Harry took it happily and stuck it in his mouth. Niall reached out and flicked on his lighter with a bit of effort. Both boys laughed at his first few failed attempts before he brought the flame toward Harry. Harry leaned into him and began to pull on the spliff till it was burning. He pulled it from his lips and blew on the end of it where it had caught fire. He returned it to his lips and closed his eyes as he drew the smoke down into his lungs. He held it down for a minute before letting it out in a large puff that circled the boys and floated up toward the sky. They both watched it in amazement as it danced in the wind. Harry handed the spliff to Niall who took a long drag before blowing it out in small circles. Harry was giddy at the sight and laughed as the circles grew larger and blew off in the wind.  
  
"How's your head, Harry?" Niall asked handing the joint back to Harry. Harry shook his head.  
  
"I don't even feel my head anymore. I don't think it's actually attached at the moment." He sucked in more smoke and Niall laughed.  
  
"I can assure you it's still there, mate. At least it doesn't hurt anymore." Harry nodded in agreement.  
  
"Not in the slightest." he felt a vibration in his pocket and quickly pulled out his mobile. He turned on the screen to see a text message was waiting for him.  
Louis: Hey babe! How was your day? Meet me at my car!  
  
"Who's that?" Niall asked, blowing out another round of smoke rings.  
  
"Louis. It's three-thirty, school just let out. He wants me to meet him at his car." Niall coughed on the smoke he had just inhaled.  
"Shit." He handed the spliff back to Harry who puffed it desperately. "You gunna go meet him then?" Harry shrugged and took one last pull form the spliff before putting it out in the grass.  
  
"Yeah, I should. He was going to take me out for ice cream this afternoon." Niall laughed slightly.  
  
"Well, that sounds like a blast! What are you, five?" Harry pushed Niall's shoulder, causing him to fall flat on his back.  
  
"No! He just wanted to take me out. What's wrong with that?"  
  
"Can't he take to a normal restaurant?" Harry just rolled his eyes.  
  
"I didn't want him to. He asked where I wanted to go and I told him I wanted ice cream!" Niall laughed again sitting up again.  
  
"Alright, whatever, Curly. Have fun!" Harry stood up quickly brushing the grass form his trousers and grabbing his bag and blazer from the ground.  
  
"You coming?" Harry asked when Niall didn't move from his place on the ground.  
  
"No, you go ahead. I'm going to stay here and enjoy the beautiful day." Niall pulled out another spliff and lit it quickly. Harry shrugged and turned to walk away toward the car park. He shuffled along trying to focus his mind on where he was going. Sitting in the grass with Niall he hadn't realized just how much influence the drugs still had on him. It wasn't until he began to sway, nearly falling over, that he realized he had made a terrible mistake. Not for him, he wanted to feel this, but he knew Louis wouldn't be happy. He had to try and pull it together as best he could and see if Louis wouldn't notice, not that that was very likely; Louis always knew. Harry couldn't hide it from him no matter how hard he tried.  
  
He saw Louis leaned against his car peering over the crowd of students making their way from school to their cars, obviously looking for Harry. Harry quickened his pace as he approached coming up behind Louis from the opposite direction he was looking.  
  
"Hey!" Harry tried to sound as normal as possible. Louis jumped and turned to face him.  
  
"Christ, Harry! You scared the shit out of me! Where did you come fro- What the hell happened to your face?" Harry had almost completely forgotten that he must look like total crap. Louis ran to him and clutched Harry's head in his hands gently, turning it to get a better look at the damage that had been done. Harry shut his eyes tight trying to keep them from giving him away.  
  
"Are you okay?" Louis asked, his voice desperate. Harry nodded and hung his head. "Who the hell did this?"  
  
"Zayn and Liam... again." Harry shook his curls out of his eyes and brought his head up, but not meeting Louis' eyes.  
  
"Those same guys from the other day?" Harry nodded and heard Louis let out a groan. Louis sucked in air through his noise trying to calm himself before he stopped abruptly. "You smell like pot, Harry." He sounded pissed. Harry brought his head up quickly, shooting a worried look at Louis. "Holy shit, Harry, your eyes! What the fuck are you on?" Harry let his head drop again before he felt Louis' hand grab his chin and pull his face up to meet his again, not so gently. "Harry, where did you get the pills?" His eyes were narrowed and his face was turning red from anger. Harry couldn't speak, his mouth had gone dry and his throat closed up. "Where did you get them, Harry?" Harry could feel tears well up in his eyes as he was stricken with guilt.  
  
"Niall. We skipped class and took them." Louis clenched his jaw and sucked in a large breath trying to calm himself.  
  
"We talked about this Harry. You promised me; you promised you wouldn't do that anymore!" Harry was on the verge of tears, Louis was so angry with him.  
  
"I was trying, Louis, you know that I was. I just I had a real shit day and-"  
  
"No, Harry, no excuses. There are other ways to deal with this. I'm sorry that they did that to you, I really am. It makes me so pissed that someone would hurt you like that, but I'm mad at you, too, for hurting yourself like this!"  
  
"I don't know how else to deal with it Louis!" Harry was angry now. "This is all I know, this is how I cope. I'm not fucking perfect and I never will be. Things don't just change overnight like that! You can't expect me to just be better because you say so! Things aren't that simple!" Louis stepped forward and grabbed at Harry's hands but he yanked them from his grasp.  
  
"I know, Harry, I know they aren't. I know that this isn't easy for you, I just wish you would have come to me first before going straight to the drugs. We can work these things out together."  
  
"You weren't there Louis." Harry huffed and crossed his arms on his chest.  
  
"Well, I can't always be there. You have to be strong on your own for once! You can't always depend on others to bail you out!" Louis threw his arms up and turned back toward his car, unlocking his door.  
  
"I'm sorry Lou, I really am. I don't know what else to say." Harry broke down, unable to hold his tears back anymore. Louis took a deep breath before turning back to Harry. He needed to calm down; Harry didn't need this now. He need his boyfriend, he needed support. This is exactly the type of situation he had been warned about and promised he would be able to handle. Now was his chance to do just that. He couldn't risk Harry slipping back into darkness because he was too mad to help him when he needed it most. He quickly stepped forward and pulled Harry into his arms.  
  
"I know you're sorry, Hazza. I'm sorry too, I didn't mean to get so mad, okay?" He kissed Harry's head. "I just get frustrated when you're like this and I don't mean to. Let's just go get some ice cream, okay?" He stepped back from Harry and brushed his bangs from his eyes.  
  
"I don't want ice cream." Harry sputtered as stared blankly ahead, his eyes dark and glistening with tears. "I just want to go home." Louis was confused.  
  
"You want to go home? You don't want to come back to mine?" Harry shook his head firmly and walked around to the far side of the car. Louis stood dumbfounded. Harry had been so excited for ice cream earlier that day it was a little ridiculous. Louis just shrugged it off and sunk into his car. He glanced over at Harry who was hanging his head miserably. Louis started his car and pulled quickly out of the car park, speeding toward Harry's house. Louis sat uncomfortably as the silence lingered between them, bearing down around them. He reached out and turned up the radio to fill the void.  
  
They continued silently until they pulled onto Harry's street. Louis had glanced over at him a few times but he simply hung his head and sniffled back tears. Louis didn't know what to say to make him feel any better. He wanted to reach over and comfort him, but was for some reason he was terrified to touch the fragile boy. He felt completely useless; this was his boyfriend for drying out loud, he should be able to talk to him and touch him all he wants without being afraid of breaking him. He slowed the car to a stop down the block from Harry's house where he always dropped him off. He wasn't positive why Harry insisted on this, but he didn't have time to worry about that now. He had to make sure that Harry was alright.  
  
He turned to Harry who was already throwing his bag over his shoulder and getting out of the car.  
  
"Hazza, wait!" Harry froze for a moment turning slightly back to Louis. "Are you okay?" Harry shrugged.  
  
"I'm fine." He didn't sound fine, not at all. He sounded utterly defeated, Louis couldn't help but feel like it was partially his fault. Louis wanted to press him, make him talk to him, but he knew it wasn't the time. The best thing he could think to do now was just let him go.  
  
"I'm going to call you later, okay? If you want to talk, about anything, don't hesitate to call me." Harry stood out of the car and shut the door behind him. "I'm serious, Harry. Please call me if you need anything." Harry nodded slightly before turning and walking away. Louis watched in his rearview mirror as Harry slowly made his way down the block, his shoulders hunched and his head hanging. Louis wanted to jump out of the car and run after him, pull him into a hug and plant a million kisses on him till his pain and sadness went away, but he couldn't. He couldn't bring himself to leave the car. He knew Harry didn't want that now, he knew it wouldn't help, so he simply put his car in gear and drove away hoping that Harry would be alright.  
  
Harry walked up to his front door and dug into his pocket to find his keys. He pulled them out and unlocked the door before swiftly stepping inside and letting it slam behind him. He heard someone stir in the small parlour to his left and looked over to see Anne on the couch, a bottle of vodka hanging loosely from her fingers. He stepped over to the couch to see her passed out, her hair ratted as if she hadn't showered or moved from that spot in days. He stared down at the mess that Anne had become and felt a tear silently slide down his face. He bent over the back of the couch and pushed he hair off of her face before lightly kissing her forehead. She stirred for a moment before rolling over and dropping the bottle on the floor. Harry picked it up and turned off the television she obviously wasn't watching.  
  
He dropped his bag by the kitchen table and made his way up the stairs to his room, taking a long pull from the bottle as he went. He turned into his room and slammed the door behind him. Shrugging off his jacket he fell back on his bed with a small bounce. He undid his tie and threw it on the floor as he toed off his shoes. He brought the bottle in his hands to hips lips and tilted it back, emptying the contents into his mouth. I was more than he anticipated and nearly choked as the liquid burned his throat and his eyes watered. He dropped the bottle off the side of his bed and laid still for a moment as his body adjusted to the alcohol.  
  
Harry had fucked up again, he knew that. He had hurt Louis, let him down, and that killed Harry. Although Louis had apologized for getting do angry Harry didn't believe him. He knew Louis only did that to make him feel better and Harry was sick of everyone saying things they thought he wanted to hear so he wouldn't get hurt. He felt miserable and utterly defeated. He couldn't even keep a simple promise to his boyfriend, the one person that meant more to him than anything else in the world. The person he got out of bed for in the morning. The person he depended on for his happiness and his self assurance. What Harry didn't realize is that made no sense, self assurance and happiness can't come from others, it had to come from inside yourself.  
  
This is what Louis had been trying to show him, what he was trying to tell him earlier when he told him he couldn't depend on others to bail him out of every situation. Harry didn't hear it that way though. Harry only heard the hurt and anger in Louis' voice, his words getting lost in translation; blowing away on the wind like the rings of smoke. He rolled over on his side and reached under his bed pulling out an old shoe box. He lifted the lid and looked at the contents: three bottled of pills, his holster full of spliff, numerous small bottles of alcohol and one shiny razor blade.  
  
He pulled out several small bottles and his spliff, setting them on the bed and shoving the box off to the side. He pulled a joint from the holster and lit it quickly, sucking the smoke deep into his lungs. He opened a couple of the bottles and downed them between puffs of smoke. The intoxication was overwhelming, but Harry liked it that way. The pain he was feeling was beginning to numb and his mind was going hazy. It was easy for him to forget everything and pretend to be happy. Some of the time he even succeeding in convincing himself that he was. He finished his spliff and put it out in a small ashtray on his bedside table. He opened the remaining bottles on his bed and drunk them one by one till there was nothing left.  
  
He swung his feet of his bed and staggered to his feet. He unbuttoned his shirt and threw it to the side, before doing the same with his pants, stepping out of them and leaving them in a heap on the floor. He walked across his room to where a large full length mirror hung on his wall. He slowly brought his eyes up to look at himself. His face was horribly discolored and swollen, dried blood clung to his hair and lip. He let his eyes travel down his body to his wrists where white scars showed obviously even against his pale skin. He let his eyes wander over his torso where he could see even more scars from where he had cut himself. He tried to avoid cutting his wrists as it was too obvious and more difficult to hide. As a result a large portion of his abdomen was covered in white lines of varying lengths. Some of the scars were large and jagged where he had cut so deeply it had taken weeks to heal. Even his legs weren't immune from his attacks on himself.  
  
'At least the outside matches the inside'. He thought as he stared at his disgusting reflection. And he truly believed that, he was scarred from the inside out. His mind, his emotions, just as ragged as his body. He was so depressed at times it caused him physical pain. Many days he was unable to get out of bed because it hurt too much to move, he was too tired to stand. He wanted to scream and let everything out. He wanted the demons that held him down and twisted through his blood to leave his body. He began to cry again, standing miserably in front of that taunting mirror. The tears came hot and fast, but they offered little release for what he was holding inside. He was fed up with himself, with the way he felt, the way he made Louis feel; especially the way he made Louis, his perfect boyfriend, feel. He certainly didn't deserve to be hurt the way Harry hurt him. He was far too good for him and Harry knew it. He hated himself for not being good enough, for not being strong enough. Louis would never be able to love him, he didn't deserve his love.  
  
His eyes caught a glimpse of the shoe box on the floor next to his bed in the mirror and he turned to retrieve it. He picked it up and sunk back down onto his bed, staring into the box. He ran his fingers over the bottles of various pills before reaching in and pulling out the shiny razor, so small and thin and perfect. He ran his thumb over the sharp edge and winced at the pain as it cut his finger slightly. It was only a second of pain, but the after effect was numbing and a complete release; a release he yearned for. He set the box back on the floor and stood form his bed walking back over to the mirror. He stared at his reflection again as more tears burned in his eyes.  
  
"You're a fucking failure." he said to his reflection. "You're a fucking miserable excuse for a human. No one will ever love you. You don't even love yourself. You hate yourself!" he was sobbing in hysterics as he raised the blade to his side and drew it quickly across his skin, crimson red immediately flowing from the thin cut it left behind.  
  
"I hate you." He brought the blade across himself again, pressing harder.  
  
"I hate you." Again he slashed at his stomach, feeling the pain and then the relief.  
  
"I hate you." He dug the blade in harder before pulling it across his pale flesh, opening a large gash. Blood ran down his stomach and fell to the floor.  
"I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!" He was screaming and bringing the blade across himself over and over again until he couldn't feel it anymore, until all he could see was red. Beautiful, bright crimson flowing from him. The relief was incredible, the pain was intoxicating.  
  
"You fucking ruin everything!" he brought the razor across himself once more pressing ever harder into his flesh. That last cut did him in. He couldn't take it anymore. The pain was too great, the release making him dizzy. He knew he deserved to be punished and that certainly did the trick. He sunk to the floor, crying and bleeding. He let the blade fall from his hand, landing next to him. He laid himself back and took in all the pain, feeling every inch of it as his skin was set alight. The sweetness of it all was overwhelming and his head was spinning. He closed his eyes and a smile spread across his lips, even as (HIS) tears continued to fall. He heard his phone vibrating next to him and glanced to where it had fallen from his pants pocket onto the floor. The screen glared brightly at him and he squinted to see the small black text:  
  
'Louis'  
  
He reached up and grabbed the phone, quickly ignoring the call and turning it off completely. He clutched it to his chest and sobbed harder. A few moments later he passed out on the floor. Tears staining his face, a smile on his lips, and covered in his own blood.


	12. Chapter Twelve

Louis chewed his lip vigorously as he hit the resend button on his phone for what seemed like the millionth time in the last half hour. His legs shook nervously as the phone once again went straight to voicemail.  
  
"Shit." Louis pulled his phone from his ear and pressed the button again as tears began to fall from his eyes. Harry's voicemail answered again and Louis threw his phone to the side in frustration. He pulled the pillow out from under his head and pressed it over his face. He took in a heavy breath before yelling as loud as he could. The pillow barely muffled the sound as his shout gave way to sobs. How could he have been so careless with Harry? He had done exactly what he promised himself he wouldn't do. Louis knew that this wasn't going to be easy for Harry and fully expected relapse, several in fact, before Harry would actually get better.  
  
He had gone over the situation a million times in his head, thinking about how he should react and what he should say. He didn't trust himself enough to control his emotions when the time came, so he had made a list of sorts; rules for what he would do when it happened. 

#1: Don't yell at him.  
#2: Keep calm and collected.  
#3: Be firm with him, but try and stay supportive.  
#4 Keep it positive.  
#5: DO NOT MAKE HIM MORE UPSET.

Louis hadn't succeeded in any of that today. In fact he did the opposite of just about everything on his list. He knew that whatever happened to Harry now was all his fault. There was no one else he could blame. Harry had looked miserable after Louis yelled at him. Even when he was apologizing Louis knew that his voice had been dripping with the sound of disappointment. How could he have been so reckless? What the hell would Niall say if something happened to Harry? Niall had trusted Louis to take care of Harr- Niall!  
  
The name screamed through Louis' mind as he sat up quickly turning to find his phone amongst his sheets. He felt it and pulled it toward himself, fumbling with it in his hands. How had he not thought to call Niall before? He must have heard from Harry. If he wasn't talking to his boyfriend the only other person he would go to was his best friend. He scrolled through his contacts trying to spot Niall's name through his blurry, tear-filled eyes. He spotted it and quickly started the call. He clutched the phone to his ear, wiping at his tears with his free hand and trying to clear his throat.  
  
The phone rang several times and he was worried that Niall wasn't going to answer.  
  
"Pick up, pick up, pick up. Come on, Niall!" Finally he heard a small click and Niall's voice from the other end of the phone.  
  
"H-hello?" Niall's voice was rough with sleep.  
  
"Niall, it's Louis. Have you talked to Harry at all?" He knew he sounded desperate.  
  
"Not since school. I thought he would have called me, but I never heard from him. I must have fallen asleep. Wasn't he with you?"  
  
"Shit. Fuck!" Louis was getting worried now. If something was wrong Harry always talked to Niall. If he hadn't then things were probably worse than Louis imagined.  
  
"Lou what's wrong?" Niall's voice was tense and cutting.  
  
"I fucked up Niall. I got so mad at him earlier. I just lost control when I saw him and... and... I think I just made things worse! Now his phone is off and I don't know what to do! I fucked up Niall!" Louis was losing control again. He was on his feet pacing quickly and pulling at his hair.  
  
"Shit, Louis, just umm... just calm down. I'm sure he's fine. Let me umm... let me just try calling him real quick." Louis heard another click signaling Niall had hung up. He paced a few more times before sitting back on his bed, his legs bouncing unsteadily with nerves. He wrung his hands and glanced at his clock every two seconds, waiting for Niall to call back. He stood up again turning in a circle, not even sure what he was doing. He paced again for a moment before he reached out and retrieved his phone form his bed and his car keys from his nightstand. Louis made his way quickly from his room, grabbing a grey stripped jumper on his way out and running to his front door. He yanked it open and flew down the two flights of steps to the street where his car was waiting. He wasn't even sure what exactly his plan was, but he couldn't sit around waiting for Niall when he had no clue where Harry was or what he was doing. A million horrible thoughts came to his mind. He pictured him drunk and lost in the city, or passed out on the side of the road. Maybe he had overdosed and was laying dead on the side of the road. For some reason Louis couldn't help but picture him somewhere on the side of the road. Despite that he found himself speeding toward Harry's house.  
  
He has no idea what he would do when he got there, but figured he would cross that bridge when he came to it. He rolled down his window and turned up his radio thinking it would distract him and help him calm down, but only found himself annoyed as the loud music drowned out his own thoughts. He flicked it off quickly and brought his hand to his mouth where he began chewing his finger nails absent-mindedly, a nervous habit he had always had. He took in a deep breath and let out a long impatient groan as he came to busy intersection and was forced to wait. It was then he felt his phone go off where he had set it between his legs. He quickly grabbed it glancing at the screen:  
  
'Niall'  
  
Louis felt his heart drop as he had hoped it would be Harry, but answered quickly anyway.  
  
"Did you get a hold of him?" Louis didn't feel the need for any preambles at this point.  
  
"No, it went straight to voicemail. I tried a couple of times and sent him a couple of texts, but he never responded. Louis... I'm kind of worried. He never turns his phone off." Louis finally had an opening in the traffic and shot across the intersection. "What are you doing Louis?"  
  
"I'm on my way to Harry's. I need to make sure he's okay."  
  
"Louis, I don't think that's a good idea. I think I should be the one-"  
  
"No, Niall! I'm his boyfriend, I need to look out for him now! I need to take care of this... of him! You've done enough. None of this would have happened if you hadn't given him those fucking pills!" Louis was frustrated, angry and scared and he was taking it out on Niall, but he firmly believed everything he was saying. He just never intended to be so rude.  
  
"Don't blame this on me! If you knew what happened to him... I was just trying to help!"  
  
"That's not how we need to be helping him now! That's the opposite of what he needs! You know what... I can't talk about this now! I need to focus on my boyfriend!" With that Louis hung up the phone, clenching white knuckled at his steering wheel. He pushed his car faster as he came up to Harry's street. The car slowly rolled to a stop in front of the house Harry had pointed out to him the first time he dropped him off. He looked up to see that the house was mostly dark except for a dim light in a window on the second floor of the house and a small glow from a window next to the front door.  
  
He breathed deeply before stepping out of his car and rounding toward the front door. He made his way up the stone pathway and two small steps to stand nervously on Harry's front stoop. He bit at his lip for a moment contemplating his next move before stepping forward and knocking twice at the large door in front of him. After a moment he realized there would be no answer so he threw his fist against the door, pounding harder. Again there was no answer. He stepped back and looked up at the house, that light on upstairs, Louis somehow knew that it was Harry's room and that he was there.  
  
"Harry!" he shouted up at the house, waiting for any signs of life in the window. "Hazza!" There was nothing. He ran forward again pounding his fist against the door, begging for someone to answer. He was desperate to gain entrance to the house at this point. His hand flew down to the doorknob and turned it. The door sprung open a fraction of an inch and Louis almost couldn't believe it. He pushed against it slowly, peering in through the small opening. When he saw no one he open the door fully and stepped into the house. He began to slowly make his way from the entry and through the parlour toward the stairs. He nearly jumped out of his skin when Anne moved on the couch behind him. He spun quickly to see Anne roll over onto her back and proceed to pass out again. She looked terrible and Louis couldn't help but feel sorry for her, for Harry for having to put up with a drunk mother and for thinking that it was his fault.  
  
He pushed the thoughts from his mind and made his way up the stairs, taking them two at a time. He stood in front of Harry's door trying to control his breathing. He braced himself for what might be on the other side of the door and reached his hand out to knock gently before turning the door knob and letting the door open. His breath caught in his throat when he saw blood on the floor. He stepped forward and spotted the small silver blade on the floor, it's sharp edge tinged in a deep red. His body seized with fear as his mind raced to the worst possible scenario; Harry could be dead.  
  
His head swung around, searching the room quickly before his eyes fell on Harry's bed where he was curled up. Louis lunged toward the bed, and grabbed at Harry's shoulder rolling him onto his back, he was just praying that Harry was still alive. He stared down at the boy who looked so small and fragile in that moment. His vision became blurry as his eyes filled with tears. Suddenly Harry's chest lifted as he breathed deeply and Louis almost let out a scream at the immediate joy and relief that coursed through him.  
  
It was then that he remembered the razor and the blood. He grabbed Harry's hands and turned them over looking for any cuts but found none. He leaned over him and ran his hand along his face, brushing his bangs from his forehead.  
  
"Harry. Hazza." he whispered, but he didn't respond. "Harry, what did you do to yourself, babe?" He let his eyes travel down Harry's body and then he noticed the red spots seeping through Harry's white t-shirt. He gasped at the amount of space the blood took up along Harry's side before he let a large sob escape his mouth and his tears fell faster. "Harry, oh, Hazza, I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. I never meant to hurt you." He pulled Harry into his lap and held him there for a moment, cradling him tightly against his chest. He felt his tears fall from his face as he pressed his lips to the top of Harry's head.  
  
"Harry, baby, can you wake up for me?" He looked down at Harry's serene face but saw no recognition to his words. He sat miserably just running his hand through Harry's hair and pressing kisses to his forehead. He looked around Harry's room; it was plain and devoid of personality. It was dark and gloomy, not at all a place that would help anyone get rid of their depression. Louis felt cold and wrong sitting on that bed, and, even though he was with Harry, he felt alone. He had to get out of there, but he couldn't even think about laving Harry. He set him back down on the bed and swung his feet over the edge, standing and nearly falling as his foot slipped on one of the many small liquor bottled littering the floor. "Shit, Harry." He sighed and turned back to his boyfriend. He leaned down and lifted him carefully and cradled him in his arms.  
  
He carried him out of his room and down the stairs, he made his way toward the front door, glancing briefly at Anne who hadn't moved from her spot on the couch. He struggled to open the front door with Harry in his arms but managed and maneuvered Harry through it and down the stone path to his car. He lowered Harry into the passenger seat and rested his head back. Louis brushed Harry's bangs aside once more and took in his angelic face before closing the door and rounding on the car to take his seat behind the wheel. He drove silently not bothering with the radio or rolling down his window. He couldn't be bothered with any of that now.  
  
He shot glances to Harry every now and then to see if he had roused but he still sat with his head hanging limply, his chest lifting and falling with his slow, steady breaths. Louis was just so happy to see him breathing he didn't care that he hadn't woken up yet. He pulled his hand to his mouth, chewing at his fingernails again. Suddenly he heard Harry move and his head shot over to see Harry sitting more upright, his eyes open but still staring straight down into his lap.  
  
"H-Harry? Are you okay?" Louis asked quietly. Harry only turned his head slightly toward Louis and nodded.  
  
"Where are we?" Harry's voice was dry and weak, but it was beautiful to Louis.  
  
"I'm taking you back to mine, babe. Is that okay?" Harry nodded again and closed his eyes, slumping forward in his seat. Louis reached out and touched his hand to Harry's knee gently. Harry's head popped up for a moment, staring at Louis' hand before pulling his knee away and slumping against the door away from Louis. Louis felt a shot of pain in his gut at Harry's actions, but tried not to let it get to him. He knew that Harry probably wouldn't be overjoyed to see him.  
  
A few moments later they were at Louis' building and he was helping a very unsteady Harry from the car and up the stairs. Once inside Louis' flat he led Harry to the couch where he sat him down and went to the kitchen to get him water and a towel. He filled a small bowl with water and set it on the coffee table.  
  
"Harry you should drink some water." He held the glass out to Harry, but he couldn't have been less interested. He just stared straight ahead with a blank expression. "Please, Harry, it will make you feel better." Harry still wasn't moving so Louis gave up and sat on the table in front of Harry. "Can you lift your arms for me?" Harry looked confused.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"I need to get your shirt off so I can look at your cuts." Harry winced at the reminder of what he had done.  
  
"I don't want you to see it."  
  
"I just want to make sure you're okay and clean them up a bit. Can you please let me do that?" Harry didn't move. "Look, I'm not mad that you did it, I just want to make sure you're okay." Harry shot his eyes over to meet Louis and the two stared at each other for a long moment before Harry slowly raised his arms above his head. Louis moved forward to pull Harry's shirt up, moving slowly to cause as little pain as possible. His eyes went wide as he saw first the dried blood that had run down Harry's body, then the dozens of white scars that lined Harry's sides, before he finally lifted high enough to see a row of fresh cuts, some of them fairly deep. When he finished pulling the shirt off he looked at Harry who was still staring straight forward, his face now red with embarrassment and tears rolling down his cheeks. This must have bee why Harry insisted he keep his shirt on when he spent the weekend, he was trying to hide the scars from Louis.  
  
Louis thought it best to not make a comment as his fingers travelled lightly down Harry's side feeling the small ridges the scars made in his skin. He reached over to grab the towel and the bowl of water, setting it on the floor between his legs. He dipped the towel in the water and wrung it out before wiping gently at Harry's skin, cleaning him of all the dried blood. He continued to do this until the water in the bowl was a bright pink from all the blood he had washed off. Next he moved to the actual fresh cuts, being very careful to go over them gently so as not to cause Harry too much pain. Little did he know how numb Harry truly was to the pain at this point.  
  
"This might sting a little, okay. I'm sorry if it hurts." Louis said as he began to clean the largest few cuts. Harry didn't wince, he didn't move, he didn't make a single sound as Louis finished washing him. Louis grabbed the bowl of water from the floor and set the towel in it before getting up to bring it to the kitchen. Before he could get too far Harry's hand latched around his wrist. He quickly turned back and sat back in front of Harry, setting the bowl on the table. Harry just held his wrist for a moment before finally bringing his eyes to connect with Louis again. They were dark and distant, lost, burning red and filled with tears.  
  
"I'm... I'm... I'm so sorry Louis." He sputtered as tears streamed from his eyes. "I'm sorry for everything. You deserve better. I'm so... fucked up." He dropped his head, sobbing and shaking. Louis pulled his head back up and wiped at his tears.  
  
"Listen to me, Harry. Are you listening?" Harry sniffled and took in a large shaking breath before nodding. "Don't ever think you aren't good enough for me. Only I can decide that, and you are perfect, Harry. You're perfect, and you're mine, and I wouldn't want it any other way. I care about you Harry, so much it hurts sometimes. That's why I got so angry earlier, and I'm sorry, I truly am. That wasn't at all how I should have reacted. You went through so much shit today and I wasn't sensitive to that. I was selfish and stupid. I never wanted to hurt you; that wasn't my intention, I just want you to be okay. I want you to get better because I know you can. You're perfect and you're more beautiful than you could ever imagine." Louis brushed away Harry's bangs and let his hand rest on his cheek.  
  
"I'm not, though. Look at me... I'm scarred and I'm... disgusting. Why would you want this?" Harry broke down again and Louis moved to kneel on the floor between Harry's legs.  
  
"Harry, Hazza, when I look at you I don't see the scars; I only see you. I don't care about those, I only care about you, Harry. You're all that matters to me." Louis pulled Harry's head up to meet his eyes. "I... I love you, Harry." Harry's eyes widened slightly and his breath stopped. He stared into Louis' eyes for a moment before he suddenly acted. He lifted Louis into his arms and pushed their lips together. Louis was stunned for a moment before he closed his eyes and melted into the kiss, letting his lips part to move with Harry's. Harry laid back on the couch pulling Louis with him, neither letting their lips part.  
  
Louis opened his mouth wider and Harry did the same as their tongues danced against each other. They pulled each other closer and their bodies connected with passion. Louis gripped onto Harry's hair and pulled his head toward him causing their kiss to deepen to a level neither thought possible. Harry bit at Louis' bottom lip, dragging his teeth across it before swiping his tongue over it and reconnecting their lips. They took turns exploring each other's mouths with their tongues before they needed to pull back for air. They laid there with Louis on top of Harry, their foreheads pressed together and breathing deeply. Harry stared up with his green eyes into Louis' sparkling orbs and touched his face lightly with his finger tips, running them over his prominent but delicate cheek bones and down to his slightly swollen soft pink lips. He traced their outline before leaning up to kiss them once softly.  
  
"I love you, too, Louis." Louis melted at the words and lowered himself to connect their lips once more. He kissed down Harry's neck and onto his chest. Louis glanced up to see Harry watching him as he dragged his tongue across his chest. He pulled back for a second, taking in Harry's body before running his thumb over the scars again. He glanced up at Harry again who was watching him intently. Louis lowered himself again to Harry's body and pressed his lips softly to the scars, moving all along his side kissing each one gently. He did the same to the other side, being careful to avoid the new cuts and finally came back up to kiss Harry's neck and chest. When he pulled back he looked down at Harry who's eyes were filled with tears, but he had a huge smile on his face.  
  
"I'm so happy right now." Harry said as he reached up to run his finger though Louis' hair.  
  
"I am too." Louis whispered back Lowering himself to rest his head on Harry's chest. They laid like that for a long time, each holding each other as Harry's fingers ran through Louis' hair. Eventually they shifted so Louis was spooning Harry just as he has done the other day. He held him tightly to his chest and Harry curled his hand over Louis', holding them against him. He had never felt more safe, or happy, or... loved in his whole life. Louis pressed his lips to the back of Harry's neck and pulled their bodies closer together.  
  
"I love you, Hazza." he whispered.  
  
"I love you, Boobear." Harry whispered back. Louis smiled for a moment at the new nickname before closing his eyes. He squeezed Harry tightly once more before letting himself drift off.  
  
Both boys fell asleep on the couch, wrapped in the arms of the one they loved, and the one who loved them back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading and leaving your kudos and comments! It means the world to me! Let me know what you think of the latest update!! 
> 
> <3 Jon


	13. Chapter Thirteen

Louis awoke the next morning more happy than he had been in as long as he could remember. His eyes fluttered open, fully expecting to see that mass of curly hair in front him. He sat up quickly as he realized Harry's space next to him was vacant. The couch was cold where his boyfriend had been sleeping perfectly curled against Louis the whole night. Their bodies fit so perfectly together; Louis' face nuzzled in the crook of Harry's neck, their hands clutched to Harry's chest as Louis held him tight, their legs woven together completing a total body connection. It was bliss.  
  
But now, Harry was missing. Louis sat up quickly as he felt his heart drop at the thought of Harry just leaving yet again without telling him. How could he do that? Especially after Louis had fully realized and confessed his feelings for Harry, how could he just get up and leave Louis alone without a single word? Maybe Louis had moved too fast. Maybe Harry wasn't ready to hear that Louis loved him. Maybe he didn't really love Louis at all yet and just said it back as a reaction; a sort of heat-of-the-moment thing and during the night realized it was a mistake. Louis tried to push these horrible thoughts from his mind as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes.  
  
There was a loud crash in the kitchen behind Louis and he jumped at the sound. He whirled his head around to see what the commotion was.  
  
"Shit!" he heard a familiar voice exclaim and his whole face lit up at the sound. Harry hadn't left, he was still there and making a mess of Louis' kitchen. Louis leapt up and stretched quickly before rounding the couch and walking into the kitchen. Harry was scrambling to pick up a pile of pans he had knocked out of the cupboard. Louis laughed at the sight and Harry jerked his head up. He dropped the pan he was holding with another crash as he smiled and ran toward Louis. He threw himself into his arms and kissed his cheek.  
  
"Morning, Boobear! I'm sorry, did I wake you?" he pulled back looking highly apologetic, but Louis simply rustled his hair and kissed him on the lips softly. Harry blushed as their lips met and smiled innocently.  
  
"No, I was just waking up. What are you doing anyway?" Harry pulled back again with a mischievous smile and turned from Louis, sweeping his arm across the room to reveal that the kitchen table was set and breakfast had been made. "Hazza! You made me breakfast?" Louis completely melted at the gesture and allowed Harry to pull him across the small space to the table.  
  
"I figured it was the least I could do after all that I put you through yesterday. Louis, I am so sorry for everything. I can't even-" Louis cut him off by pulling him into a crushing kiss. Harry sunk into his arms and formed his lips around Louis', grabbing hungrily at Louis' shirt and pulling him closer, licking desperately at his lips. Louis moaned against him and pulled away as Harry continued to lean into him with his eyes closed and his lips moving. Louis laughed at the sight has Harry's eyes fluttered open and his lips curled into a smile.  
  
"Our food is probably getting cold." Louis said as he turned and sat down at the table looking over the food Harry had prepared for them.  
  
"Yeah... umm... about that; I kinda burned the toast and I tried to make you an omelette but it turned out kinda weird and I might have overcooked it, it probably won't taste very good. Sorry, I messed it all up, but it's the thought that counts, right?" He looked at Louis timidly as he took his seat opposite him.  
  
"Yeah, Haz, and this all looks really good actually. Where'd you get all the food though? Didn't we eat it all this past weekend?"  
  
"Oh, yeah well, while you were still sleeping I nipped round to the store down the street and bought a bunch of stuff. You should be good for the week at least." Harry smiled across the table triumphantly. "You should never go shopping while you're hungry, you end up taking the whole store with you."  
  
"Harry, you really didn't have to do that, like, seriously. How much did you spend?" Harry just shrugged and smiled as he chewed a piece of toast.  
  
"It doesn't matter. I love you, and that's all that really matters." Louis felt his heart flutter at the words as Harry spoke them. 'I love you'. Such simple words they were, but so incredibly charged, so powerful and meaningful that they could turn even confident, hard-headed Louis into a total softy. It was a new feeling for him. He had never said it to anyone else he dated nor had they said it to him. He never even felt close to that kind of emotion and as much as he was one for always saying what was on his mind, he was also one that would only say something if it was the absolute, undeniable truth, at least in his mind. Especially when it came to his emotions, which he kept closely guarded. Opinions would fly, but his emotions were something he always kept in check.  
  
Which is why Louis knew it must be true, that he loved Harry, when the words came to him the night before and he let them roll off of his tongue without hesitation. He realized his feelings had been growing for some time, but it wasn't until he was at Harry's the night before that everything got so incredibly real for him. Seeing Anne in the state she was in, seeing the way Harry lived, even thinking for a brief, horrifying moment that Harry could have been dead, it all made Louis realize how much Harry really meant to him. He would do anything for Harry. Anything in the world to keep him safe and close. He wanted to protect him from the world until he was ready to be unleashed on it, full of confidence and finally happy. Louis hoped that when that happened he would be there to see it.  
  
Louis cut off a piece of his omelette and dug his fork into it, lifting it to his mouth slowly. Harry was watching his every move as he began to chew it. It was amazingly good, and Louis couldn't fathom why Harry had gone on about how awful it would be. He chalked it all up to his insecurities, Harry always doubted everything he did.  
  
"This is amazing, Hazza, really!" He watched as Harry let out a small relieved sigh and sunk into his chair, getting comfortable before he tucked into his meal as well. "Harry?" Louis asked after a few moments. Harry stopped chewing and brought his eyes up from his plate to meet Louis' tentative gaze.  
  
"Yeah, Lou?" Louis rubbed the back of his neck nervously for a moment before speaking again.  
  
"I was thinking that... maybe you should come stay with me." Harry's mouth fell open for a second as he blinked blankly at Louis. He shut his mouth and let it fall open once more before finally speaking.  
  
"Are you... asking me to move in with you?"  
  
"No! No, well, not exactly. I mean... what I'm saying is-" Louis struggled to find exactly what he was trying to say. He took a deep breath before letting it out in a long sigh and continuing. "Don't take this the wrong way, but when I was at your house last night I saw your mum and the state of your house and everything and I was just thinking that maybe it isn't the best environment for you right now, ya know? Like, I think you need somewhere more stable and... happy than that before you can actually start moving on from all this." Harry swallowed thickly and just stared at Louis. "I'm sorry, it isn't my place to say any of that about your family. I don't know them, or anything about your life at home. It was just this feeling I got while I was there, and-" Harry reached out and grabbed Louis hand off of the table causing Louis to stop at his sudden movement.  
  
"No, I think that would be a good idea actually." Harry released Louis' hand and brought it into his lap. He dropped his head to watch as he played with his own fingers. "I hate it there. I have for a long time. My mum is rarely ever sober anymore, my step dad honestly couldn't give a fuck about me. He hates me and I don't know why, he always puts me down and makes me feel stupid and useless. My sister was the only one I could depend on recently and she's gone, so now I'm just left looking after my mum when she gets too drunk, and putting up with my step dad when he gets pissed off and takes it out on me. They're another big reason I drink so much. I can't handle their problems, too. I have enough of my own shit to deal with. They probably wouldn't even know I was gone to be honest." Harry's face was blank as he stared down, his bangs blocking him from Louis' sight. Louis wasn't sure what to say so he focused on the positive.  
  
"Then it's settled; you'll stay with me for a while. We'll go by your place and get your stuff after school today." Harry brought his head up and Louis smiled at him. Harry shook his head before dropping it to stare at his hands again.  
  
"I don't want to go to school today. I don't want everyone to see me, and I can't face Zayn and Liam. Not now, not like this." His voice broke at the end of the sentence and Louis stood from his chair, moving to kneel down next to Harry. He rubbed his back gently as Harry began to cry softly.  
  
"Okay, we don't have to go today, but tomorrow we do. Exams are coming up and neither of us can afford to miss anymore. More important than that though, you need to learn to face these things. I know that it's hard, believe me, I know, but you're never going to get over your problems if you're constantly running from them. The only way to not be afraid anymore is to face them head on and own up to everything. Does that make sense?" Harry sniffled and nodded, bringing his head up to meet Louis' eyes. Louis wiped his tears away and Harry lowered himself to kiss Louis once more. They let the kiss linger for a moment as Louis wrapped his hand around the back of Harry's neck and held him tight.  
  
"Thank you." Harry said when they finally parted. Louis just smiled and nodded before standing to take his seat on the other side of the table. He took the last few bites of food he had left and picked up his plate and Harry's, setting them in the sink to be washed later.  
  
"So, Curly, what did you want to do today then?" Harry shrugged. "It's beautiful out, maybe we could go to the park, or bum around town; do some shopping." Harry shook his head. He wasn't really one to go shopping, just not his thing.  
  
"Actually I know somewhere we could go." A smile crawled across his lips as Louis raised an eyebrow in question.

__________________________________________

"This is where you wanted to go?" Louis asked looking up at the tall crumbling building in front of them. He heard Harry laugh at his side before grabbing his hand and squeezing it. "This buildings a piece of shit, Harry. How is this going to be any fun?" Harry just rolled his eyes.  
  
"You don't have any faith in me do you?" Louis shot an aggravated glance back at him.  
  
"I have faith in you, Haz, just not in whatever the hell we're about to do." Harry laughed again and pulled him toward the building. Louis took a moment to study it as they approached. It was definitely old, run down, possibly abandoned, but it looked to be the tallest building in town. Why Harry had dragged him here when there was a million other things they could be doing on such a nice day was beyond him. This certainly wasn't what he had in mind when he thought about them spending the day together. Nevertheless, Harry insisted it was something he should see, and Harry should be the one to show it to him.  
  
They entered the small lobby of the building and were met with a set of locked doors.  
  
"Oh, no. I guess we'll just have to go home, and I was so looking forward to that." Louis said sarcastically as he turned to leave, but Harry just pulled him back. "So, now what?" Louis asked glancing over to where Harry was smiling at him at his side. Harry stepped forward toward a panel in the wall with two rows of tiny buttons next to, what Louis assumed, were flat numbers. Harry reached his hand up and dragged it down the first row of buttons. There was a loud and obnoxious beep as he hit each one, and they stood in silence. Louis was thoroughly confused at this point and held onto Harry's arm tighter. Harry just rubbed his hand and told him to relax. Suddenly there was a voice coming from the small speaker at the bottom of the panel and Harry quickly made a few garbled sounds which were met by a click as the door in front of them was unlocked. They quickly stepped through and were now met by a row of lifts.  
  
"What the hell was that?" Louis asked.  
  
"That's how we always get in. Just hit buttons till someone answers and then make discernible noises till they let you in." Harry smiled proudly at Louis who still looked utterly confused.  
  
"I am so amazed that works. Don't you think they should question who the hell you are?" Harry just shrugged.  
  
"Not my problem." He reached out and hit the up arrow on the lift in front of them and a moment later there was a loud 'ding' indicating the lift had arrived. They stepped inside and a musky, damp oder infested Louis nose. It made him cough slightly as he wrinkled his nose at Harry. Harry just laughed and pressed the last button to take them to the top floor. Louis looked around at the stained walls and ceiling of the lift and decided he hated this place.  
  
"This place is disgusting. I feel filthy just being here." He said shoving his hands in his pockets and pulling into himself to avoid touching anything.  
  
"You can be such a princess sometimes." Harry said as he jabbed Louis in the side with his elbow. Louis scoffed at him and Harry just pulled him into a one sided hug, holding him close to his chest and kissing the top of Louis' head. "I promise it will all be worth it." Louis highly doubted that. Nothing could make standing in a filthy place like this worth it. He pulled Harry tightly to him and breathed in his scent, which today was admittedly more Louis' scent as he had washed in his shower and was wearing his clothes, but there was still a scent that was uniquely Harry under it all.  
  
Another moment, another 'ding' and they had arrived at the top floor. They exited quickly and Harry yanked Louis around the corner and down a hall. throwing glances over their shoulder as they went. They finally came to a large door with a rusty sign bolted to it:  
  
'Roof Access'  
  
"Wait, we're going on the roof." Louis asked, feeling his stomach tighten.  
  
"Yup." Harry smiled and pushed the door open. He went to pull Louis through it, but Louis stood his ground. Harry turned back and frowned. "What's wrong babe?" Louis hesitated for a moment and chewed his lips nervously.  
  
"I'm afraid of heights." He admitted warily. Harry laughed and pulled him into his arms, comforting him. It was a weird sort of role reversal for the two. Now Louis was the timid one and Harry was comforting him, telling him to be strong and that there was nothing to be afraid of. Harry's eyes were far too convincing and Louis couldn't say no so he finally allowed Harry to pull him through the door and up two flights of steep steps. They were already on the 25th floor, so two more was way too many for Louis, but he tried to kick those thoughts from his mind as they came to another door and Harry swung it open easily.  
  
Bright light blinded Louis as he stepped onto the incredibly spacious roof of the building. Harry immediately bolted forward, throwing his arms out and running in circles. Louis smiled as he ran free, the wind blowing his curls in every direction. This was the most Louis had ever seen him open up since he met him. He stayed back by the door just admiring Harry for a moment before breathing deeply and stepping away from the building. His nerves were fine now, the building was large enough he could convince himself they weren't off the ground at all. As long as he stayed a good distance form the edge he was sure that he'd be fine. Harry finally stopped running around and ended up back at Louis side, smiling like an idiot and grabbing at Louis desperately.  
  
"What the hell's gotten into you, Haz?" Harry just smiled again and pulled Louis into a sloppy and rushed kiss.  
  
"Isn't it amazing up here? It's so exhilarating, the wind rushing past you, and the view! You have to see the view." Harry began to pull Louis across the roof and toward the edge. With every step they took Louis could feel his breath getting more labored, his throat closing up, his hands starting to shake.  
  
"Harry!" Louis yelled, wrenching his hand from Harry's and taking a few steps back to distance himself from what he was sure was certain death. Harry's momentum carried him a few more feet before he turned to Louis frowning.  
  
"Are you okay?" He was back standing toe-to-toe with Louis in an instant.  
  
"I'm fine... I'm just scared of heights, like I told you." Harry smiled at him and nodded.  
  
"I'm sorry. I didn't realize it was that bad. We can just sit here then." Harry collapsed to the ground pulling Louis with him. Louis couldn't help but laugh at the way Harry was behaving like a five year old. Everything he did was sudden and deliberate, without thought for consequence or the reaction of others. This was literally the first time Louis had seen this side of Harry and he loved it. It gave him hope that somewhere locked inside there was still that carefree person that just needed to be let free. Louis hoped that this was the Harry he could bring out and let live amongst the rest of the world, not just when they were alone.  
  
Harry pulled Louis on top of him and snuggled against his neck, breathing hotly and pressing kisses to his skin. Louis was going light headed from the feeling as Harry's curls tickled his face. He kissed Harry back gently before resting their foreheads together. Harry looked up at him with a smile and giggle that made Louis' heart skip a beat or two. With one final kiss to the tip of Harry's nose he rolled off of him and laid next to him, making sure they were still touching from head to toe.  
  
"How did you find this place anyway?" Louis asked as Harry rolled toward him and rested his head on Louis' chest.  
  
"Been to a couple raves up here." Louis probably could have guessed that. "But that wasn't the first time I was here. It was one morning when Niall and I were sitting here, watching the sun come up, that I realized I had been here before. That's why I wanted you to come here." Louis looked down at him confused and Harry just let out a small, adorable sigh, before nuzzling his head against Louis. "You brought me to that lake your mum used to bring you too, right?" Louis nodded and rested his hand on Harry's back. "Well, my mum brought me here, me and Gemma. It was when we were little and my dad had just left us. She used to live in this building when she was growing up and she always told us how it was the best spot to watch the sunrise, or set, I guess. That's what she wanted to do after he left. She wanted to bring us here and show us. I don't really know why, I was pretty young at the time, ya know. I think she was just hurt and broken and wanted some sense of familiarity and comfort. This place gave that to her."  
  
Harry sat up off of Louis and looked down on him. Louis reached up and ran his fingers through his curls before trailing his fingers down his face. Harry closed his eyes and sighed as he pressed his cheek into Louis' hand. Louis watched his boyfriend's beautiful face as it fell from a look of serenity to a frown, his eyes squinting and his nose scrunching up as if he was trying to hold back tears. Louis sat up immediately and brought his other hand to Harry's face.  
  
"What's wrong, Hazza?" Harry opened his eyes and they shimmered with tears but he wouldn't look at Louis. He stared straight off in the distance, his mind reeling with thoughts Louis couldn't read. Louis brought his hands down to rest on Harry's shoulders and began to rub his arms. "Harry? Tell me what you're thinking about." Harry pressed his lips into a thin line before taking in a small breath.  
  
"Every man in my mum's life has hurt her." Louis was taken aback by this, it wasn't what he was expecting.  
  
"What do you mean, Haz?" he asked timidly. Harry sighed and finally brought his eyes over to meet Louis'.  
  
"My dad, he left her, abandoned her, and my sister and I." A single tear made its way from his eye and Louis quickly moved to catch it and wipe it away. "And I'm... I'm..." Harry's breath kept catching and he let his eyes fall away to the ground. "I'm not the son she wanted, Louis. I know I'm not. She's so disappointed in me." He was on the verge of a total break down as Louis pulled him toward his chest.  
  
"What do you mean, Harry? That doesn't make any sense. Why would she be so disappointed in you?" He felt Harry shake under his hold as he sobbed loudly.  
  
"Because... because I'm gay!" he wailed and Louis' heart dropped.  
  
"I don't think that's true, Harry. I thought my mum would be the same way, but when I told her it was like it was no big deal. In fact she told me she had secretly known my whole life and that if I hadn't come out to her by the time I was done with school she was going to confront me about." Louis laughed trying to lighten the mood, but Harry only shook his head and pushed himself away from Louis.  
  
"You don't understand! When I told my stepdad and my mum that I thought I was gay my mum just collapsed into a chair and started crying, like, full on sobbing and my stepdad... he screamed at me... he hit me. He told me I was fucking worthless! He told me I deserved to die!" Louis could hardly understand him through his tears at this point and was just trying to hold himself together for Harry's sake. He couldn't believe what he was hearing, that someone, an adult no less, could be so cruel and viscous to a child at such a horrifying moment in their life. He knew it happened, he wasn't stupid, but he had never actually known someone that had been treated that way. It broke his heart into a million pieces. The fact that it was Harry, his Harry, hurt him even more.  
"You're mum can't feel the same way as he did though. I know she must love you, Harry; she's your mum!" He reached out to rub Harry's back but Harry only swatted his hand away.  
  
"No! She didn't do anything, she just sat there and let it happen! She didn't tell him to stop or that he was wrong or that I would be okay! She just cried and let him abuse me! After that..." he broke into more sobs again before taking a few unsteady breaths. "After that, she couldn't even look at me. It took her two fucking weeks to be able to even look at me again. That's why I tried to kill myself the first time. I knew I had let her down, again, just like my dad. She hates me." Harry collapsed into Louis' arms and Louis couldn't think of anything to do but hold him. So that's what he did.

___________________________

They laid on the roof for hours, Harry curled against Louis' side, his sobs coming and going. Louis' fingers were in his hair or on his back, or wiping away the tears that fell. Finally Harry's cries sputtered to nothing and he laid breathing gently against Louis' neck. Louis felt Harry's arm crawl across his chest as he pulled closer to him and kissed his neck. Louis was started by the sudden contact but wouldn't dream of fighting it off. He closed his eyes and let Harry kiss and bite at him till his toes were curling his Toms. He wouldn't even mind the love bites he knew it would leave behind; he rather liked being marked by Harry.  
"Louis?" Harry asked pulling away suddenly.  
  
"Hmm?" Louis managed, his head still fogged over from the work Harry was doing on him.  
  
"I'm supposed to go to a party with Niall tonight." Harry began timidly. Louis eyes shot open at the words. "It's my friend Shawna's birthday and she invited me to come with Niall, and I wanted to go." Louis sat up and faced Harry.  
  
"Honestly, I don't think that's such a good idea, Harry. I mean, I know what happens when you go to parties with Niall, and I honestly don't want to have to sit up all night worrying about you, because even if you promise to be careful and somehow resist temptation tonight, that's exactly what I'll do."  
  
"I know, that's why I was hoping you'd come with me. I know it isn't really your thing, but I really do want to go and if you're there you can help me stay away from the drugs and keep me occupied so I won't be tempted." Louis stared at him for a moment taking in his words before heaving a large sigh. "Plus, I want to show off my hot boyfriend to everyone. I haven't really had a chance to do that yet!" Harry winked at him and smiled. How can Louis say no to that smile? He can't, so he agreed to go as long as he could drive and they would leave when he said, no questions asked. Harry groaned at the stipulation but agreed as long as Louis let him have a few drinks, no questions asked. Louis reluctantly agreed; drinks were better than drugs.  
  
"Look!" Harry said pointing toward the edge of the roof. Louis turned to look out over the horizon. "The sun is starting to go down. Come on!" He said as he quickly got to his feet. He brushed the dirt off of himself before offering his hand to Louis. Louis took it and breathed deeply as he prepared to be taken to the edge of the roof. He could do this, he just had to stay calm. It was a stupid irrational fear anyway. Harry gripped his hand looked back at him with a reassuring smile as they neared the edge. Louis kept his breath steady as he tried to control the tension that was building inside him.  
  
He closed his eyes as they finally made it to the edge, only a cement ledge topped by a short wrought iron fence was all that was between him and falling to his death. He took one final breath before opening his eyes slowly. What he saw was magnificent. The town sprawled out before him reaching far into the distance and beyond that all he could see were the green tops of trees that raced off to meet with the now pinking horizon. He gasped at the splendour of the town so far below him, of the serenity that he felt being so far away from the hustle and bustle of the city streets below them. He felt the wind blow across him and he closed his eyes at the tingling sensation it sent through his body. He opened his eyes again to look over at Harry to find him not standing on the ground next to him but up on the concrete ledge.  
  
"Harry! What the hell are you doing? Get down from there before you kill yourself!" 'Poor choice of words Tomlinson', he thought to himself and winced for a second, but Harry only laughed and turned to him, reaching out his hand.  
  
"No, you should come up here." Harry smiled down at him with a joyous sparkle in his eyes.  
  
"I don't think so." Louis said as he took a few steps back.  
  
"Please, Louis! It's so much better up here! I promise. You can hold my hand..." Harry gave him a cheeky look and Louis debated with himself for a good minute before pushing his fears down and taking a step forward. He placed his hand in Harry's and allowed himself to be dragged up onto the ledge. His eyes were pressed tight again as he steadied himself. He heard Harry laugh next to him, "You have to open your eyes stupid!"  
  
"Promise you won't let go of me?" Louis asked.  
  
"I promise. I'll never let you go." Harry squeezed his hand and Louis let his eyes open. There was nothing in front of him, a total sense of freedom that didn't frighten him the way he thought it should. He let a smile curl across his lips as the wind picked up. He looked over at Harry who had his arm outstretched taking in the sensations around him.  
  
"This is the closest you'll ever get to flying." Harry said, and Louis had to agree. "Even drugs can't do this for you." Louis turned back out and put his arm up, closing his eyes and letting the wind rush over him. "It's so peaceful, ya know. I imagine this is what falling would feel like. You'd be at peace and everything would be rushing past you, but there would be this inner calm, this serenity. I think that's how I want to go; when I'm old and gray and I know I don't have much time left, I want to come someplace like this and just throw myself off. To feel like you're flying before you die, the peace as the wind rushes past you, that would amazing." Louis looked over and he saw a tear slide down Harry's cheek. He shuffled his feet over toward Harry and put his hand around his waist. He leaned up and kissed the tear from Harry's cheek. Harry smiled and they both turned out to watch as the sun began to fall in the sky.  
  
Louis had to agree; this was a beautiful place, and though he never thought about it, falling might just be the perfect way to die.


	14. Chapter Fourteen

 

"How do I look?" Harry asked turning in front of Louis' full-length mirror, straining to see himself from every angle. 

"You look perfect, Hazza." Louis said for what felt like the millionth time. Harry had tried on four pairs of trousers and at least ten different tops, each time asking Louis the same question before groaning and tossing it to the side to try another despite Louis' answer. "You always look perfect." Louis stood from his bed and crossed the room to stand behind Harry, putting his arms around his waist and pulling him in tight to place a kiss on his neck. Harry frowned at him in the mirror.

"You're my boyfriend, though. You're supposed to say that. You think I look perfect even when I've just woken up and my hair is a mess and my eyes are all red and puffy." Harry pouted adorably. Louis smiled against his skin and let his lips trail up Harry's neck to his ear. He kissed him lightly there and whispered,

"You're especially perfect when you've just woken up." his voice was low and gravely and it sent a chill up Harry's spine. Harry couldn't help but smile as Louis took his ear between his teeth and nibbled playfully. He closed his eyes and let Louis kiss and bite at him for a moment before looking at himself in the mirror again. This just wasn't right.

"No, I think I need a different shirt. This looks stupid together." He pulled Louis' hands from him and walked toward one of the suitcases full of clothes he had brought over earlier that evening. Louis groaned and wandered back to his bed, flopping down on his back with a small bounce. Harry was throwing things left and right, muttering to himself.

"Oi! You're totally making a mess of my- our room!" Louis corrected himself quickly and smiled at the thought that they were now living together, even if it may just be temporary. "I don't know why you're so concerned anyway, I mean, they're your friends. They know what you look like. I should be the one concerned about what they think. I'm the one that needs to impress them all tonight, and I only took an hour to get ready, including doing my hair. You're going on what? Two hours now?" Harry looked at Louis over his shoulder and rolled his eyes before going back to digging through his tops. 

"Except you're completely perfect without even trying. Besides, they aren't really my friends, just people I party with. They don't know anything about me. Well, nothing more than anyone else knows. I'm just the fun loving homo to them." He pulled out a tank top and observed it for a moment before tossing it aside with the rest. "At least they don't hate me for it, though." He stood up holding a t-shirt to himself and turned back to the mirror. He tilted his head this way and that before frowning and throwing it to the side as well. "Fuck! This is pointless."

"You should just listen to Louis; you look amazing, Harry." Both boys perked up and turned to see Jasper standing in Louis doorway with a cup of tea clutched in his hands and a smile plastered on his face. "You know, you really are quite beautiful. If Louis wasn't dating you I'd snatch you up myself." He winked and Harry blushed, dropping his head. Louis stood up immediately and made his way over to Harry, pulling him into his arms and kissing his cheek.

"Back off Jazz, he's mine." Louis said with only a small drop of joking sarcasm in his voice. Harry smiled at his boyfriend's possessiveness as Louis turned him toward him and pushed their lips together, not wasting any time to force Harry's mouth open with his tongue and swirl it around in a way that made Harry's head swim.

"Alright, well, before you two start fucking right in front of me I guess I'll just say have fun tonight. If you both end up drinking too much don't hesitate to call me. I mean that Lou." He shot a pointed look at him before turning and leaving the doorway. Louis and Harry both just laughed before pulling away from each other slowly. 

"He's right though, Haz. You should just listen to me." Harry sighed and decided that his fight with his clothes was worthless at this point. If Louis thought he looked good then that was all that should really matter to him anyway. They both took one final glance in the mirror, fixing their hair and straightening their clothes before heading out for the night.

 

__________________________

 

They both stood on the sidewalk staring up at a large brick house, even bigger then the house Louis had found Harry in a couple weeks prior. This Shawna girl must have been well off. Louis looked over at Harry who looked absolutely giddy with excitement. Louis grabbed his hand and squeezed it tight.

"Remember what we said, Haz. You can drink, a little bit, but no pills or anything, okay?" Harry frowned slightly but nodded and began to walk with Louis toward the front door.  Louis sighed heavily and groaned as he heard screaming and loud music from beyond the door. Harry smiled and found it difficult to not bolt away from Louis and crash through the door. They both stepped up the front steps and Louis pushed open the door for Harry, guiding him in with a hand on the small of his back. The thick air hit them like a wall, moist and smelling of sweat, booze, and pot. Harry inhaled deeply and turned to Louis with a smile who just scrunched his nose and shook his head.

"Come on! At least try to enjoy yourself." Harry begged at Louis' utter disapproval of the situation.

"I'm sorry, just a party to me and my friends was a few beers around a campfire and a guitar we could all sing along to. This was never my thing." Harry groaned and pulled Louis into him, reaching up and running his fingers lightly through his perfectly feathered hair so as not to put too many hairs out of place.

"Yeah, well this is kind of my thing, so at least try and be interested. Please, for me?" Harry stuck out his perfect bottom lip and Louis rolled his eyes before kissing him quickly.

"Fine. I'll try and have fun, and keep an open mind. Now, let's go find some booze my little party monster." Louis grabbed Harry's hands and held them behind his back as he led them further into the large house. Louis couldn't deny that the bass in the music was intoxicating. It got under his skin and made him want to move. He pulled Harry's hands in front of him and pulled his body against his back. He began grinding against him slightly as they moved through the small crowd in the hallway. 

"Where's the booze, love?" Louis asked a girl who was leaned against the wall looking utterly bored as she loosely held a plastic cup in her hand. She brought her eyes up and immediately straightened at the sight of him, flashing a flirty smile and flipping her hair back. 

"Hey, I'm Tiffany." She said as she pushed her chest out at him. Louis heard Harry giggle behind him at the girl.

"I'm Louis... and this is my boyfriend Harry." He said with a big smile and Harry poked his head out with a smirk and waved at her. Her face immediately dropped and she backed against the wall again, folding her arms against her chest. "So, where's the booze?" Louis asked again. She shot a bitchy glance at him and pointed further down the hall. "Thanks sweetheart." Louis said as he turned to walk in the direction she had pointed. Harry wrapped his arms around Louis again and walked closely behind him.

"Thanks, Tiff!" Harry shot at her as he passed. She scrunched her face at him and turned to walk in the opposite direction.

"What a cunt." Louis said over his shoulder to Harry.

"Only because she wanted in your pants." Harry squeezed Louis' side making him wriggle under the touch. They entered the kitchen and spotted a large island counter with every kind of liquor you could hope for.

"Pick your poison." Louis said as he and Harry stepped up to the counter. Harry surveyed the options and decided that tequila was a good place to start, much to Louis' protests. In the end he agreed to one shot as long as they stuck to something a little easier for the rest of the night. Harry quickly poured them their shots and held one out to Louis. He took it skeptically and held it up for a toast with Harry.

"To Hazza and Boobear... forever." Harry announced before licking the salt off his hand and downing the shot. Louis followed suit and quickly recoiled at the taste before Harry thrust a lime wedge toward him. He opened his mouth and Harry set it between his teeth. He bit down and let the acidity clean the taste of tequila away.

"Ugh. That was disgusting. Never again, okay?" Louis choked out. Harry laughed and nodded.

"Never again for you, I'm going to have one more." Louis shot him a nasty glare and shook his head as Harry reached for the bottle. Harry frowned for a second before smiling again.

"Niall!  You're here!" Louis turned to see Niall entering the kitchen with a blonde girl at his side. 

"Hey, mate!" Niall shouted as he came closer. He was clearly already highly intoxicated and his speech was slightly slurred. "Hey, Louis, glad to see you could make it!" He patted Louis on the back a little too hard for just a friendly hello, but Louis knew it was only the alcohol and not any attempt to be an ass. Niall pulled Harry into a hug and gave him a huge sloppy, smacking kiss on the cheek. 

"Hey, happy birthday, Shawna!" Harry said as the girl Niall entered with made her approach to hug Harry as well. "This is Louis," He pointed to where Louis was sitting with a small, stupid grin spread across his lips. "He's my new boyfriend." Harry whispered into her ear. She gasped and turned back to Harry, hugging him again.

"Good job, Curls. He's fucking hot! If he wasn't gay I'd climb that like a tree. Not that that would stop me from trying anyway, but you know that!" She was leaning into Harry, apparently trying to whisper, but alcohol does strange things to your control over volume. "I have a new boyfriend too actually!" She said pulling back and beaming at them. Harry shot a questioning glance to Niall who was now stuffing his face with various snack foods. 

"You didn't tell me you were dating anyone Niall." Harry said with slight disappointment in his voice. Shawna pushed at Harry's shoulder and let out a loud, snorting laugh.

"No, not Niall! He'll be here shortly. I promise I'll introduce you when I see him. Until then..." She turned and picked up the bottle of tequila. "Shots!" Niall and Harry both cheered and Louis had to resist the urge to tackle the girl to the ground and wrestle the bottle from her hands. He opted for giving Harry a disapproving look, but Harry just frowned and picked up the shot glass that was placed in front of him, holding up a finger to indicate it was his last one. Louis watched as they downed it, cheering some more, and then watched as one turned into five, and sober Harry turned into full on party-animal Harry in what seemed like no time at all.  

Louis had kept his drinking steady and although he was no where near Harry's level he was definitely feeling the intoxication. His head was swimming and his vision would go wonky once in a while. He had to admit that Harry amazed him; the amount that boy could drink and still seem coherent was incredible. He was shouting loudly and running around the large living room they were in now with Shawna on his back. Louis couldn't help but laugh as he tripped and both teens went plummeting to the ground. They probably would have been in pain had they not been so drunk, but instead they just sat on the ground and laughed like idiots with everyone around them. Niall swept over to help Harry up, but they only both ended up back on the floor again. Louis finally intervened and pulled both Harry and Niall to their feet.

Harry found a bottle of vodka on a long coffee table in front of them and picked it up before taking a long pull from it. So long Louis had to step in a tip the bottle down from his lips. Harry smiled and pushed the bottle toward Louis who also took a drink from it. He wiped at his mouth with the back of his hand as Harry pulled him toward him by the hips. Harry's head was low and his eyes were filled with lust as he began to move against Louis to the pulsing beat. It only took a moment for Louis to fall into a rhythm with him and they were grinding relentlessly. Louis brought his hands up to grip Harry's curls and brought their foreheads together. 

They stared intently into each others' eyes, their hot, alcohol laden breath on each others' faces. Harry swiveled and rocked his hips against Louis and Louis let out a moan as Harry came in contact with his increasingly hardening bulge. Harry felt Louis' length against his leg and focused his movements there, causing Louis to shudder and whimper under his breath. He pulled Harry's head down and crashed their lips together. Harry's hands moved up Louis' shirt and scratched at his back as their tongues swirled around each other. He was practically lifting Louis off the floor as he pulled him closer and deepened their kiss. Louis wrapped his arms further around Harry's neck as the kiss broke and Harry moved to attacking Louis' neck. He licked, and bit, and kissed at every inch of skin he could reach, causing Louis to practically collapse in his arms from the euphoria. It wasn't until a few minutes later Louis managed to pull away slightly and get them back to just dancing. If that had continued any longer Louis was sure he would have had Harry against a wall fucking his lights out. Harry protested for a moment, but understood as he was having exactly the same thoughts.

It was another moment later when Harry felt a tap on his shoulder. He groaned and let his head hang back, but didn't let go of Louis or stop his revolving hips.

"Who? What do you want?" he let out.

"It's Shawna! I wanted to introduce you to my boyfriend." Harry and Louis both groaned at that and reluctantly let themselves part another couple of inches, preparing for the introduction. The sooner they got it over with the sooner they could get back with each other. Harry turned toward her, but pulled Louis toward his back where he kept grinding into Harry's ass. Harry's eyes went wide when he was met with tan skin, black hair, a wicked smirk and golden hazel eyes staring back at him. "Harry, this is Zayn, my new boyfriend. Zayn this is Harry and his boyfriend Louis. He's totally fit, yeah?" Shawna said leaning into Harry. Harry clenched his jaw and swatted at Louis hands around his waist. Louis pulled them away and protested for a second before stopping when he saw Zayn.

"Vas happenin' boys?"  Harry swallowed thickly and backed up against Louis, his heart pounding in his chest.

"I need another drink." Shawna announced before turning to kiss Zayn. He pulled her close and kissed her deeply while keeping his eyes locked on Harry.

"Grab me one too, babe." Zayn said grabbing her ass as Shawna squealed and scampered away down the hall. He crossed his arms and smirked at the two boys standing in  front of him. "Well, well, well, didn't think I'd be seeing you here tonight, Styles, and with your boyfriend. Louis, was it? It's such a pleasure to finally meet you." He held out his hand to Louis.

"Come on, Lou, let's just go." Harry said turning toward Louis. Zayn's hand caught his shoulder and yanked him back to face him.

"Oh, come on, Styles! Where the fuck are your manners? We've been friends for so long and you can't even properly introduce me to your pretty little boyfriend here. That's so fucking rude." Zayn shook his head disapprovingly.

"Look, we don't want any trouble, okay? It isn't worth it." Louis said stepping in front of Harry. "It's your girlfriend's party, so we'll just go, okay?" Louis grabbed Harry's hand and began to pull him toward the door. Zayn's hand landed on Louis chest and pushed him back into the living room. "Don't fucking touch me." Louis said through clenched teeth.

"Oh yeah? What the fuck are you going to do about it pussy boy?" Louis felt anger rise in him, his fists balled at his side, but he kept it under control he wasn't going to stoop to that level. That wasn't who he was. "Your face looks better than I expected it to after the beating I gave you the other day, Styles. Remind me to hit you harder next time." Zayn chuckled and Harry's face went red as he hid himself further behind Louis' back. "Maybe I can actually knock the faggot right out of you." Zayn threw his head back laughing and Louis couldn't take it any more. His face was hot, his blood was boiling. This guy had tormented Harry long enough. It had to end. 

Zayn brought his head down and Louis acted. He raised his fist so fast Zayn never saw it coming. He connected with his jaw at full force, giving it every ounce of strength he could. Zayn swayed on his feet for a moment, shaking his head before Louis landed another blow causing Zayn to collapse. Louis looked down on him as Zayn looked up in bewilderment at what just happened. Louis pressed his foot down on Zayn's chest pinning him to the floor. 

"If you ever talk to my boyfriend like that again, if you ever touch him again, I will find you and I will hurt you. That's a promise." He pressed his foot harder and Zayn groaned under the pressure. Louis pulled his foot off and started to turn toward Harry before quickly turning back and spitting in Zayn's face. "You just got beat the fuck up by a faggot. Prick." Zayn was laying on the ground in complete shock and unable to get up. Louis turned and grabbed Harry's hand and rushed him toward the front door. As they exited they heard the crowd that had gathered around the fight cheering and laughing at Zayn on the ground. 

Louis pulled Harry to his car practically running. They both sunk into their seats and Louis quickly started his car and pulled away from the curb. His whole body was shaking with adrenaline and his fist hurt terribly from the punches he'd thrown but he couldn't focus on that.

"Harry, I am so sorry. I got carried away, I didn't mean to do that. I honestly don't know what happened.""Are you fucking kidding me? I have never been so turned on in my life." Louis turned to look at Harry and he was chewing his lip, practically foaming at the mouth, his eyes dark with lust. 

Louis struggled to refocus on the road and sped faster toward their flat, and their bed.

 

 


	15. Chapter Fifteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pure smut, basically.

 

The door slammed open as the boys tumbled into their flat, wrapped in each other's arms, their lips locked together and their hands groping. Harry's hands were all over Louis' torso groping at every muscle, grabbing at the thin fabric over his skin. His hands fell on the hem of his shirt and began to lift it off. Louis stepped back from him for a second and raised his arms allowing Harry to lift his shirt off quickly and tossing it to the side before immediately pulling them back together as Harry's tongue moved across Louis' neck and chest. Louis laced his fingers into Harry's hair and moaned as Harry nipped at his collar bone. Louis hooked his foot on the door and pushed it shut behind them with a loud bang. Both boys jumped apart at the sound before laughing and falling back into their deep, fiery kiss. 

Louis began to pull Harry down the hall toward their room as Harry removed his own shirt and threw it aside as well. They stumbled through the door and Harry threw it shut behind them with another slam. Louis groped at his chest as Harry lifted him off the ground and laid him back on the bed, climbing on top of him and straddling his waist. His hands moved down Louis' stomach and landed on his belt, quickly undoing it before un-bottoning his pants. Louis groaned as Harry unzipped him letting his throbbing erection out of its strict confines. Harry stood form the bed and pulled his pants down the rest of the way followed by his briefs. He stood there for a moment admiring his boyfriend's incredible body before stripping himself of his pants as well. Louis slid up further on the bed to get more comfortable before Harry was back on him. Harry immediately lowered himself to attach his lips to Louis' once again. The kiss was sloppy and driven, hungry and wet, fueled by the alcohol that still coursed through the young boy's body.

Louis trailed his hands down Harry's back and dove into his briefs, grabbing onto his ass and pulling their hips together. Both boys moaned against each other as their hard cocks came together with a rough friction. Harry began to grind down into Louis as he moved his lips to his neck, taking the tender skin between his teeth before licking and sucking at the spot, sure to leave a deep bruise. Louis threw his head back inviting Harry to keep going, as his hands slid Harry's briefs down. Harry raised his hips and worked himself free of his underwear before flicking them off the bed with his foot. He began to kiss down Louis' toned torso stopping to flick his tongue across his nipples before nibbling on them too. The sensation sent vibrations through Louis' body as he writhed beneath the younger boy. He fisted at Harry's hair pushing his head down and encouraging him to keep going. Harry obliged, trailing his tongue over his lightly defined abs before kissing at his hip bone, stopping just before he got to Louis' cock. Harry grabbed his length in his large hands and gave it a couple of strong jerks before stopping and kissing his stomach again.

Louis whimpered and looked down to see Harry looking up at him through his thick curls, a small smile playing on his lips. Louis whined again and thrust his hips up into Harry's hand. Now he was just being a tease and Louis could tell that Harry knew exactly what he was doing. He squeezed tighter around Louis' length causing him to moan and shudder. 

"Please, Harry, just... ugh!" Louis' mind was hazy with lust and need. "Just... do it. Please!" Louis was pleading. Harry smiled up at him again before lowering his head and flicking his tongue across the tip of Louis' cock. Louis threw his head back as Harry pressed his lips to the sensitive head and swirled his tongue over it before taking more of it into his mouth and working the base with his hand. His free hand roamed Louis' body, rubbing and scratching at him. Louis couldn't take the teasing anymore and thrust himself into Harry's mouth. The sudden movement made Harry gag for a moment as Louis hit the back of his throat, but he quickly adjusted and pushed his head the rest of the way down, sliding his whole length into his throat and hollowing his cheeks as he created the perfect suction while working his tongue over whatever he could reach. 

"Fuck... Hazza!" Louis groaned as he grabbed Harry's head and held him there for a moment before releasing him. Harry came up quick, desperate for air before plunging himself back down again, setting into a rhythm, taking him halfway in, his tongue swirling over his sensitive head before taking his full length again over and over. Louis' toes curled and his legs twitched at the incredible sensation. Harry's eyes flicked up to see Louis with his head back, eyes closed. 

"Look at me." Harry said, demanding and Louis' eyes fluttered open to glance down at him as he formed his lips around him again, slowly moving down as he kept the eye contact.

"Oh, my fucking... god!" Louis moaned as he watched himself disappear inch by inch into Harry's perfect, warm mouth. Harry's eyes began to water as his nose made contact with Louis' stomach. He relaxed his throat and pushed down even further till Louis was panting and fisting at his hair, his whole body trembling. "Fuck, hazza... I'm so... I'm so close." At that Harry immediately pulled his mouth off and moved up Louis body, trailing his tongue along him as he went. "Why'd you stop?" Louis panted.

"Fuck me." Harry demanded as he made it to Louis' ear.

"What?" Louis asked, somewhat surprised.

"I want you to fuck me." Harry moved his hips down into Louis causing him to moan again. Harry continued this movement as he whispered hotly into Louis' ear, "I want you inside me." His hips swiveled again. "Fuck, I want to feel you." He bit at Louis' ear and moved his hips faster, that friction alone bringing Louis close to the edge again.

"Okay... yeah, just stop moving before..." Louis breathed and Harry obliged, ceasing his hips from grinding. "Let me grab some stuff." He said rolling Harry off of him and taking a moment to catch his breath and think straight again before sitting up and getting off the bed. He crossed the room to his dresser and threw open the top drawer, digging around for things he knew were in there somewhere, long buried from lack of use. He finally found a condom and a bottle of lube and turned to face Harry who was sprawled out on his back with his eyes shut, a complacent smile on his lips and his hair laying perfectly on the pillow behind him, framing his angelic face. Louis had to take a moment just to admire how perfect he looked and how incredibly lucky he was that he got to see Harry like that. He was definitely more beautiful than any boy Louis had slept with before, even better than anyone he had fantasized about sleeping with. Even with his scars and slightly bruised face he was absolutely perfect to Louis. Nothing could begin to compare with what was laid in front of him at this moment. How did he ever get so lucky? Louis would never know.

He slowly moved back across the room and set the condom and lube on his nightstand before crawling back on top of Harry. He lowered himself slowly and softly kissed his plump pink lips. It was quick and light, but infinitely perfect. He reached up and brushed Harry's bangs from his eyes.

"Hi." Harry said in an adorably small voice. Louis smiled and laughed under his breath.

"Hi." he whispered back before he felt Harry's hand latch onto the back of his head and pull him down to meet his lips again. The kiss was deeper and driven, both boys taking their time to caress each other with their tongues as their hands moved gently over each other's skin. Louis felt the scarred ridges over Harry's sides and caressed them gently. Harry couldn't help but wince at the fact that they were there, and Louis knew.

Louis reached his hand out to retrieve the small bottle of lube as he moved down and positioned himself between Harry's legs. He spread them apart and kissed at his inner thighs as his hands fumbled with opening the bottle. He finally managed and squirted a small amount onto his fingers, working them together and getting them slick. He kissed Harry's thigh again as he rubbed his fingers around the outside of Harry's tight entrance. Harry scooted down on the bed and lifted his hips slightly to give Louis better access as he slid the tip of his finger in. Harry bit his lip and winced at the sharp pain, but quickly reminded himself to relax and breathed into it as Louis pushed his finger in slowly. He stayed there for a moment feeling Harry relax around him before pushing in the rest of the way eliciting a small whimper from the younger boy as his hands fisted at the sheets.

"Okay, babe?" Louis asked quietly as he glanced up to Harry's face which was scrunched up in slight discomfort. Harry took in a large breath through his nose, letting it out slowly through his mouth before nodding and smiling sightly.

"Been a while." Louis laughed quietly and kissed Harry's thighs again, running his free hand up over his stomach.

"Just relax, I'll go slow. I promise." Harry nodded again with another large breath before Louis began to move his finger in and out, in and out. Another moment later he slowly inserted a second finger. Harry adjusted much quicker this time and Louis took advantage of this, moving faster and scissoring him open, stretching him in preparation. He curled his fingers and hit that bundle of nerves that made Harry shake and moan loudly. Louis smiled knowing the pleasure he was giving him. Harry reached down to grab at his hard length, but Louis swatted his hand away.

"Ugh... I just want-"

"Not yet." Harry pouted and squirmed against the bed. 

"Fuck... Louis!" Louis kissed Harry's thigh again before dragging his tongue down to lick just above where his fingers were working. He slowly pulled his fingers out and moved his tongue in place of them, flicking his tongue out over and over before pushing it in. Harry nearly screamed at the sensation.

"Holy fuck... no one's ever... Oh, my God." Louis smiled to himself as he continued his work. He felt Harry's hand land on the back of his head, pushing him further in as his tongue strained to push more into his soft slick entrance. Harry swung both of his legs up over Louis' shoulders and Louis placed his hands on the small of Harry's back, lifting him off of the bed to get better access to his sweet spot. Harry was panting and thrashing under him as he worked feverishly, getting more and more turned on by the sounds and expletives that were pouring from Harry's perfect lips. "Louis... I need you now. Fuck me!" Louis didn't need to be told twice, his cock was painfully hard at this point and begging for attention. He reached for the condom and opened it quickly, rolling it down his length and slicking it up with more lube.

He lined himself up and leaned over to kiss him again. Harry pulled his head down and swirled his tongue inside Louis' mouth. They pulled apart and rested their foreheads together, both boys breathing heavily.

"I love you, Harry." Louis whispered.

"I love you too, Louis." They kissed softy, sweetly once more before Louis sat up off of him and grabbed his cock guiding into Harry. Harry gasped and gritted his teeth, squeezing his eyes together when Louis entered him; he was much bigger than a couple of fingers. Louis steadied himself and fought the urge to just thrust in and fuck Harry's lights out. Harry took a few unsteady breaths willing himself to relax and push the burning from his mind.

"Shit." Harry said with a slight laugh. Louis smiled down at him and leaned in to to place another kiss on Harry's lips. He moved his lips to Harry's neck as he pushed in further. Harry focused on Louis mouth rather than what felt like was ripping him in two. It wasn't long before Louis was fully in, the pain mixing with the pleasure of being stuffed full by the one Harry loved. Louis began to move his hips slowly and Harry let out a series of sounds that were a mix of those feelings, some whimpering, some gasping, some moaning. All the pain and pleasure mixing into one high that was beyond anything Harry had felt before. This was as good as any drug he had ever taken, if not better. His whole body was tingling and alert. Every movement that Louis made over him, or in him, was felt with full force. Even the lightest touch of his warm breath shot electricity through Harry's body. 

Louis placed Harry's legs back on his shoulder and leaned forward over him arching the small of his back off of the bed and allowing for a new angle. Harry's eyes rolled back as Louis' cock touched that bundle of nerves.

"Ohmyfucking-ugh-ohmygod." Everything blurred together and Harry was seeing stars in his eyes. Louis moved at a faster speed, thrusting harder and harder into him. He flicked his bangs, now heavy with sweat, from his eyes as he moved back down to kiss Harry. they moved together, Louis thrusting and Harry grinding down on him to meet every thrust. Louis fucked into him harder and harder, bringing himself close to the edge.

"Louis... Louis." Louis looked down to see Harry's face twisted in... pain?

"What's wrong? Haz, am I hurting you?" Louis sat back slightly, worried.

"No, well... no, just my back is getting sore." Harry laughed lightly. "Can we maybe try another position?" Louis smiled.

"Yeah!" He sat up fully and pulled himself out slowly, very slowly. Harry couldn't help the fact that he hated not feeling Louis in him anymore but was glad his back was already feeling better.

"Sorry, don't think I'm really meant to bend that way." He scooted out form under Louis. "Can I...." Louis looked at him expectantly but Harry just blushed and hung his head.

"What, Haz? What do you want? Anything you want we can do it." Harry looked up again and smiled timidly.

"Can I get on top? Can I, like... ride you?" Harry felt stupid saying the words, he knew it sounded stupid the way he said it, but that's what he knew he wanted. Louis just smiled and nodded.

"I would love that." Harry smiled back as Louis shifted himself on the bed, laying on his back and finding a comfortable position. Harry swung his leg over his waist to straddle him and reached back to grab Louis' dick in his hand lining it up with his entrance before lowering himself slowly. It was a whole new pain that Harry didn't expect. Who knew that just changing positions would do that? It was almost like starting over, but not quite. It was much easier to relax and get into a rhythm. He brought himself halfway down Louis' length a few times before sitting fully back and feeling every inch enter him. Louis was definitely the biggest he had ever taken, that he could remember anyway. He stayed down on it for a moment, throwing his head back at the sensation of being full again. He smiled and licked his lips as he rose up slightly and pressed himself back down. He swiveled his hips and he heard Louis let out a moan. 

Harry loved the feeling of being in control of everything. He raised himself again before going back down and setting into a rhythm, up, down, swivel, up, down, swivel. He hit every spot he needed to and he knew Louis loved it too. He could hear him panting and whimpering below him with every movement. Harry clenched the muscles in his ass around Louis' cock and moved up. Louis immediately grabbed onto Harry's hips and let out a long, loud moan that bordered on a yell. Harry did this a few more times, picking up his pace as he felt Louis fingers curl around his dick, jerking him in quick thrusts. Harry leaned back to rest his hands on the bed as he continued to move, both boys moaning and panting wildly at their individual sensations. Harry sat fully down on Louis, angling himself so he was hitting his sweet spot and moved his hips around, sending a tingling sensation through his whole body till his legs went numb from the pleasure. Louis threw his head back, being buried deep in Harry was a sensory overload for him. He moved his hand faster on Harry's throbbing cock.

"Ohfuckohfuckohfuckoh-FFFF-UCK! LOUIS!!" Harry screamed as he came hard, shooting stream after stream of hot cum over Louis chest and stomach. The clenching of Harry's ass as he came and the moans that escaped his lips were enough to send Louis over the edge too. He thrust his hips up deeper into Harry as he held tight to his hips, pushing him down. Harry moved slightly, riding Louis through his own orgasm. He felt Louis' cock twitch inside him a few times and  collapsed onto his chest. Louis wrapped his arms around him and kissed the top of his head over and over as both boys panted, sweaty and sticky. They laid like that for a few moments, allowing their ecstasy to overwhelm them and subside, somewhat. 

Harry slowly rolled off of Louis and landed on the bed next to him, completely out of breath. They both laid silent, replaying everything in their head. 

"That was... that was..." Louis struggled to find the words for what it was.

"Incredible."

"Un-fucking-believeable." Both boys laughed. "Seriously, that was the best fuck I have ever had." Louis patted Harry's head.

"That wasn't a fuck, Louis, that was love." Harry said quietly. Again he felt stupid hearing himself saying the words, but he knew that that was what it was.

"Yeah, you're right. That's what 'making love' is." Louis kissed Harry's forehead. "I've definitely never done that before. It was... perfect." Harry smiled and traced his hand over Louis' chest, feeling his own cum still sticking to his sweaty skin.

"Yeah, that's what it was." Harry bit his lip and thought for a moment. "I do love you Louis. I really do." Harry said as if he had to convince Louis, or himself, he wasn't sure.

"I know, Haz, I love you too. Seriously, I love you. Please, don't ever forget that. No matter how shitty things get for you, know that I love you. You will always have me, no matter what happens, you'll-always-have me." Harry sat up and looked down at Louis who reached up to brush his sweaty curls from his forehead.

"What's going to happen?" Harry asked, sadness reaching his voice unexpectedly, even to him. Louis looked shocked at the question.

"Nothing, nothing's going to happen. Not to us anyway. I'm in this for the long haul, Hazza, I want to be with you for a long time. I just mean, no matter what other people say or do to you just remember that you mean something to me. More than that; you mean everything to me. I'll always be here, always. Don't ever think you're alone, or have no one to talk to. Even if you think I won't understand, and maybe I won't; I can't promise that I will, but please know that I am here. I don't want to see you hurt yourself anymore just because you think you're alone or useless. It isn't true. You make me happy, so happy. That makes you worth so much, Harry. I will do everything I can to protect you from the people that hurt you, but I can't do everything, I can't always be there, as much as I want to be. So, please, just remember that even when I'm not there physically, I'm here," He reached up and touched Harry's chest, just over his heart, "and you're here." He touched his own chest. "That's all that matters. Even when you can't see me, I'm still there, I still love you, I still want you. Don't let anyone tell you differently because it isn't true. You have me, Harry, you have all of me, forever." Harry choked back tears as he took in the words. No one had ever said anything even close to that to him. 

He never felt the emotions he felt when Louis spoke to him. He knew that it was the truth, he didn't doubt for a single second that it was the truth, but he couldn't help but wonder why. He didn't deserve it, he knew that. He could never be good enough for Louis, and the fact that Louis said those things to him made that even more clear to him. Louis needed someone who he didn't have to worry about, who he didn't have to protect, who could love him back the same way without reservation. Harry knew he loved him, he truly did, but he knew that there was so much in him he could never let out. He knew Louis wouldn't understand, even though he had promised to try. Harry didn't think he could properly let Louis in and love him back with the same certainty, the same veracity that Louis loved him. And he still didn't know why Louis could love him! It made no sense to Harry, but he didn't want to think about it now. He wanted to believe everything and bask in the glow of it. Feel it deeply and let it take him over. So, he did. 

He swung his leg back over Louis, straddling him again before lowering himself to his chest and licking his own salty, sweetness from his chest and stomach. Louis watched in amazement as Harry ate his own cum off of his body. Harry pulled up and licked his lips, satisfied. 

"We need a shower." he said pulling up from Louis' body. "Ready for round two?"

 

 

 


	16. Chapter Sixteen

 

Harry opened his eyes slowly the next day, cautious of the morning sun, but its all in vain; the sun hadn't even risen yet. He glanced up at the clock on the nightstand. It's only half past five. His head is pounding lightly, his stomach churning slightly, but what hurts the worst is his legs and his arse. He stretches his burning thighs, tense from the work out they got the night before and rolls gently over to see Louis sleeping soundly, his face nestled into his pillow. Harry stares for a moment as Louis huffs a soft, whimpering sigh before his breathing settles back into a normal, slow rhythm. Harry reaches his hand out to brush the bangs off of Louis forehead before stroking his cheek gently. 'Beautiful.' Harry thinks as a single tear falls from his eyes. He wipes it away quickly, not even sure what had caused it. He sighs and turns to get out of the bed, making sure to not wake his sleeping boyfriend. 

He yawns and stretches his back, the vertebrae clicking into place one at a time. He reaches down to his suitcase and pulls out a pair of sweat pants and a large hoodie. Throwing them on he heads out of their room and down the hall to the kitchen, limping slightly as the burn in his legs and... elsewhere, returns. He groans as he enters the kitchen, willing the pain to just go away. He locates a bowl and some cereal and plunks himself down at the kitchen table to eat. 

He feels strange, not right, miserable. 'Why?' he asks himself. He has everything he wants; the perfect boyfriend, a new place to live away from his family, the best sex he's ever had, which will most likely only get better. If he has all of that then why does he still feel like shit? 'Empty?' That's the only he can think to describe it. He pushes the feeling deep into the pit of his stomach, trying to swallow it. He shovels food into his mouth to bury it there, trying to keep it hidden. He can't afford to think that way now. Not when he is so close to happiness.

"You're up early." Harry jerks his head up to see Jasper standing in front of him, stretching and yawning widely. Harry catches the contagious yawn and Jasper laughs at his sleepy movements and bleary green eyes.

"Yeah, I... um I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep, I guess." Jasper just nods knowingly and makes his way over to the fridge to find his own breakfast. He pulls out a few odds and ends and throws them in a frying pan.

"Yeah, me too. I didn't sleep much last night, though." He shoots a pointed look at Harry with his eyebrows raised. Harry's face flashes bright red and he drops his head to stare into his bowl of milk.

"You... you... heard us?" Harry wants to curl into himself and disappear, to run and hide himself under some dark rock. Jasper just laughs.

"Oh, yeah. I think everyone in the whole building heard you." He laughs again. "Ffff-uck! Louis!" he imitates Harry's screams, though not nearly as loudly, from the night before as he pounds his fist against the counter, sounding too eerily similar to the way Louis' headboard had pounded against the wall for Harry to handle. "I've heard he's a good lay, but, damn, he must have done a number on you to get that kind of reaction!"  Harry swallowed thickly as his throat dried.

"I'm... I'm really sorry... Jazz. I didn't think... I guess I-. It won't happen again." Jasper flips his egg scramble from the pan onto his plate and slides into the chair across from Harry.

"Don't be sorry! I hope it happens again- that sounds weird- but you know what I mean. Seriously, you can be as loud as the hell you want! Just know that it gives me free reign to poke a little fun the next morning." Harry brought his eyes up to glance at Jasper through his bangs as Jasper smiles and winks at him. "But, in all honestly, I'm just glad it finally happened. Louis has been miserable not getting to fuck you. It was all he was talking about when he first met you." Harry furrowed his brow thinking about this.

"Really? That's... all he talked about?" Harry's hands were suddenly sweating as he looked back up at Jasper. Jasper swallowed a large mouthful of food. 

"Well, no, not all that he talked about. He really mostly talked about your eyes, and lips, your hair and how amazing you were, but it had been forever since he slept with anyone so he was a bit... antsy to get into it I think." Jasper bit a piece of toast and chewed it sleepily. Harry was confused. Louis had said he didn't want sex from him, that he was waiting till he was ready and that it didn't matter when it happened. Obviously, that wasn't what Louis was telling Jasper. 

Why didn't he just tell Harry though? Harry could have found it in himself to have sex sooner, he could have. They had talked about waiting after the first weekend Harry spent there and had agreed that Harry wasn't ready so they would wait, and Louis said he didn't want it to be about sex. Was he trying to protect Harry? From what? Harry hated when people did that. He was so used to people concealing things from him because they think he is fragile. They are afraid to upset him by telling him the truth. Harry thought Louis was different though, he trusted that Louis was different. His heart dropped and he suddenly lost his appetite. He pushed the bowl in front of him away and stood quickly from the table. Jasper stopped mid chew and looked up at Harry with questioning eyes.

"Sorry, Harry, did I say something wrong? I know it really isn't my business, I just... sorry." Harry just shook his head.

"No- no, its... it's fine. I just... umm... I need to go. Out." Harry quickly moved from the kitchen. Jasper jumped up and walked after him into the living room.

"Where are you going? It's barely six in the morning!" Harry stopped halfway to the front door and chewed his lip in thought before turning back to Jasper.

"I- um... I just want to go for a walk." He stood awkwardly staring at his feet.

"Okay... Well, you should come back soon, though, so you and Lou won't be late to school."

"He can go without me, I'll just walk there... while I'm out." Harry turned back to the door. "Tell him I'll meet him after classes by his car, yeah?"

"Yeah, sure, Harry." Harry reached out and opened the door, stepping through it. "Hang on, don't you need-" Harry was out the door and shutting it behind him firmly. "-your uniform and... book bag?" Jasper stood completely confused in their living room, and he couldn't help feeling he totally said the wrong thing, but he was only joking. He never meant to hurt Harry's feelings, he would never want to. He liked Harry enough, that was for sure, and he knew what he meant to Louis and that definitely meant something to Jasper. Louis warned him he was fragile and a bit awkward socially, but Jasper didn't think he had done anything to cause him to want to just run off like that. He shrugged and walked down the hallway deciding Louis should know about this as soon as possible.

 

_________________________________

 

Harry walked briskly away from their building, not sure where he was going. He had never had much time to explore the streets around Louis' flat on foot. He wasn't even entirely sure where he was, but he walked anyway. The frigid wind rushing over his body and ruffled his hair as he rounded a corner. The streets were still fairly vacant as most people were just getting up at this hour. Harry crossed his arms over his chest, hugging himself tight to block the cold. 

His stomach flipped and he moaned at the sensation. He wasn't hungover, this was a different feeling, it was a wrenching in his gut. A pain that ate at him from the inside, a desperate emptiness, longing to be filled. By what, Harry had no idea. He turned quickly into a side alley between two buildings and propped himself against a dumpster, hanging his head between his arms. Clenching his eyes shut he willed himself to stay steady as his knees got weak and his stomach flipped again. He hurled the contents of his stomach on the concrete and looked down at the mush of Cocoa Pops at his feet. He groaned and wiped at his mouth with the back of his hand, feeling even more miserable. He coughed on the acidic taste in his throat and pulled himself to a standing position, finding his footing again. 

When he exited the alley he looked about the street and saw a convenience store across the way that appeared to be open. He quickly made his way over and entered the small shop. The bright fluorescent bulbs burned his eyes as he blinked rapidly. He looked about and spotted a sign hanging  few rows down; 'Liquor'. He paused for a moment glancing between the store clerk and the sign. The clerk had his head down, buried in the mornings paper and hadn't even noticed Harry entering. Harry took advantage of this and slipped along the back of the store furthest from the man and entered the liquor aisle. He took in the many bottles in front of him, hardly recognizing any of them; being underage he never went shopping for booze and usually just drank whatever was at the party without recognition of label.

He skimmed the category markers and moved in front of the shelf marked 'Vodka'. He grabbed the largest bottle he could fit in his sweatshirt pocket without being to noticeable and glanced back at the clerk who was still seemingly unaware of his existence in the shop. He stuffed the bottle into his sweatshirt and headed back toward the door, throwing his hood over his head. He quickly pushed the door open and reemerged onto the now busier street. He blended right in with a small crowd of people passing the shop and walked down the sidewalk amongst them for a bit until he knew the store clerk hadn't followed him.

He rounded another corned and looked ahead to see a small park not far in the distance. Deciding that was as good a place as any to start the day he headed there at a quickening pace. The park was small but very well kept. Large trees loomed over a spacious spot of grass where benches were sat along a winding path that lead down along the banks of a river Harry was sure he knew the name of, somewhere in his mind, but that wasn't important. Pulling the bottle from his pocket, opening it, and taking a few pulls he walked lazily along the path till he came to the river. He plopped himself down on the a bench and continued to drink, feeling the liquid warm his insides. He smiled at the comforting feeling and couldn't help but think  maybe this is what he was missing. He had been so busy trying to keep himself in check for Louis lately he hadn't had time to just sit with himself and get royally fucked. 

It was a past-time Harry had grown accustomed to in his life and it was difficult for him to just leave that behind. He didn't feel like himself without it. He knew that was a dangerous way to think but it was, in the end, the truth. A cool breeze rolled off of the rippling water in front of him and he gazed into the murky depths of the black river before him. The current was moving rapidly and Harry wondered for a moment what it would feel like to just lay himself in the water and let it take him away.

The weightlessness you would feel floating on the water, the sounds of it crashing over you as it took you somewhere far away. The feeling of having to surrender yourself completely, unable to fight the monstrous current as you drifted. Maybe it would bring a feeling of peace, of acceptance of things, a solitude and oneness with yourself. Harry had read once that drowning was the most peaceful way to die, although he wondered how anyone would know that, and now he accepted it as a plausible truth. He thought about those last moments as his lungs would fill, cold and fluid, and how it would give him such a sense of clarity; a real moment to reflect on everything, to give himself over to the absolute, to resign. In that moment you could resolve with yourself anything you had harboured in your life. The hate, the anger, the sadness, the joy and even love. It would somehow align it all in your mind and allow you to devote yourself to the dark, to the inevitable end without regret. 

Harry stood sloppily from the bench and moved to stand at the edge of the river, the racing waves only a few feet below him. He closed his eyes and listened as the water lapped at the stone wall holding it in. The rush of it as it passed in front of him, the sound always changing, growing and falling in swells. He took another large gulp from his bottle and winced at the burn. He replaced the cap and dropped it ti his side, plunging his freezing hands into his pant pockets for warmth. He started when his fingers caught onto something, small round and smooth. He pulled his hand from his pocket and in his palm sat three small blue pills. He stared at them for a long moment trying to remember what blue was. 

Uppers? 

Downers?

Muscle relaxants? 

Anti-anxiety, perhaps?

It didn't really matter, Harry never really bothered to pay much attention to what he was taking, that was part of the thrill. Throw them back and see where it takes you. It was a lot like the rushing river in that way; once you threw yourself in there was no telling where you would go, how you would get there, or how you would come out at the end, if you came up at all. This was the edge Harry lived on, thrived on, that's where he was most himself. This was the edge Louis was holding him back from.

Though Louis gave him much, he also took so much from Harry. He wanted Harry to change into something he wasn't and Harry wasn't sure he could ever be. Maybe this is what bothered Harry so much. Though he was filled with one thing, another thing was slipping away. No matter how vile and poisonous that thing may be it really was a part of Harry. A part he didn't want to give up. A part he couldn't give up, most likely ever. 

He stared at the pills in his hands for another moment before tossing them into his mouth and swallowing them dry. He took one more swig from his bottle before laying himself back on the bench. The morning was sun now peaking and warming his face slightly. It wasn't long before his head went fuzzy and his body began to vibrate, definitely uppers. His jaw clenched to keep his teeth from chattering and his palms got sweaty. He swung his legs off of the bench unable to sit still any longer. He stood quickly and began to follow the path in the park not knowing where it would take him. He wandered along the banks of the river, observing the ducks that floated by with the joy of a small child, and weaved up through the small park. Every little thing he saw caught and held his attention. Colors swirled in his eyes as he looked around at the increasingly bright surroundings. 

He felt a vibration in his pocket and fished his phone out peering at the screen with unfocused eyes. 'Louis'. His finger hovered over the answer button before quickly jumping to ignore the call. Another moment later it was buzzing with a text. He opened the message and the words fused together into a nonsensical stream. He swayed on his feet, closing one eye in an attempt to read. He tripped over his own feet and landed face first in the grass. He laughed for far too long at himself before rolling to his back to stare intently at the screen again.

Louis: Hazza where are you? are you alright? I brought your stuff with me to school... meet at my car xxxHarry groaned and pocketed his phone only for it to vibrate again almost instantly. He rolled his eyes and pulled the phone out again.

Louis: Please babe ur scaring me. Where did u go??

Harry fumbled with the phone in his hand trying to tap out a response:'No schol thinkin leave m alone.' is all he could manage. He laid still in the grass, his whole body trembling, and stared at the blue sky. He sighed heavily as his head fogged again, the alcohol and the pills mixing to create some form of euphoria that was getting increasingly difficult to handle, but Harry loved it. It was the first time in a long time that he felt like himself, whole again. Whole in a way even Louis could never make him feel. Harry closed his eyes and let his mind wander to wherever it wanted to go. The brightest heights or the darkest lows, he didn't care which as long as he felt something more than the numbing he had grown used to over the past few weeks of his 'new life'.  He tried to find the true source of his fears, his anxiety, his depression.

His mind jumped from image to image before settling into a coherent train of thought. Everything stemmed, he supposed, from his tainted self image. Not even just what other people thought of him, but something deeper. He didn't accept himself for who he was, in any way. The fact that he was gay ate at him like a parasite. This is what he despised the most and was probably the root of everything. To this day he still wasn't able to accept it. Even though he loved a boy, loved kissing that boy, loved feeling that boy inside of him, he hated himself for loving it. When he thought back to the things he had done with Louis just the night before he felt his stomach clench. He was repulsed, disgusted by it, but if he felt that way then why was he gay?

Maybe he wasn't, really. He had never had a relationship with a girl, he had never even tried. He had just know, from a young age, that he was for some reason ridiculously attracted to boys. Even his young mind had settled into that and he never thought to try to like girls. But you shouldn't have to try to like someone, right? It should just happen. Maybe he had missed something though. Maybe he could still change it. Would it make him happy if he were 'normal'? Maybe that's all he ever really wanted. There were more nights than not he would pray to a God he wasn't even sure he believed in that he would wake up the next morning 'cured' and straight. He couldn't understand why that very same God would even do this to him. Why put him in the world just to be miserable over something he couldn't control? 

Maybe he could control it, he had never tried, just let it be.  He let it eat at him till he was thoroughly disgusted with himself to the point where he would rather be dead than live another day trapped in this personal hell. Caged inside his own body behind feelings that he detested, yet they were feelings that made him happy. It was a paradox he couldn't begin to understand. It was confusion beyond anything he could handle and with no one to talk to about it he let it sit inside, bubbling away and seething through him until he cracked. Now he just hoped that he could find some way to live. He didn't care about trying to be happy anymore, or trying to be strong. He was serious when he thought and wished that one of his bullies would finally just do him in. It would make it easier on everyone. He couldn't take his own life, having failed before he knew he wouldn't try again, at least he didn't think he would, but even he wasn't so sure of that anymore. 

He had lived for everyone around him after that. Seeing the hurt in them when they thought about how he almost died. He stayed strong for them and willed himself to keep going, to keep moving forward in a world he didn't know anymore. A world he didn't, and could never, trust. But you can't just live for others without feeling hollow and worthless to yourself. That isn't what life is. That isn't what living is. 

He lived for his mother till she slipped so far into her own depression she barely noticed him anymore. 

He lived for Niall till he seemingly got frustrated with having to take care of him all the time and moved on with his own life. Harry couldn't and wouldn't blame him for that. He knew Niall still cared, a lot, but also that he needed to be free of the burden that Harry had become. He shouldered that weight for long enough; much longer than Harry expected him to.

Now, he lived for Louis. Perfect, beautiful, amazing Louis Tomlinson. Louis, who certainly didn't deserve to be held down by Harry. Louis was smart. Louis was talented. Louis was carefree. Louis would go places in life and Harry knew he would only hinder him. Louis held so much love in him and it was being wasted on Harry. Wasted on someone who didn't deserve to be loved at all. Someone who cold never offer anything of worth in return for all that Louis was giving him. All he had to offer was his body, and that was just a tragedy in and of itself; all scarred and worn and used. It was an ugly vessel that held nothing but more scars and pain.  

He opened his eyes to the sun blinding him. He shielded himself with an unsteady hand before sitting up slowly, swaggering back a few times. Tears were rolling down his face leaving a tingling salty path in their wake. He blinked blearily at the empty park around him and observed the beauty of it all. The bright blue sky, the soft green grass, the tall trees that stretched to the sky, the birds that flew high above as they stretched their wings in a freedom Harry would never know. How he longed to be like them; floating on the breeze, flitting from tree to tree without a thought or care. He wished he could clear his mind and start again, but that was impossible. Even at sixteen, nearly seventeen, he had been through too much. Too much for any one young person to handle. 

He felt his hands tremble again as he reached for the bottle of vodka laying at his side. He examined the contents, still half full. He unscrewed the top and took a heavy breath before pressing the cold rim to his lips and dropping his head back to drink, drink, drink till he had nearly drained it. He pulled it away from him and gasped for breath as his eyes watered and his stomach fought. He held it down and guzzled the rest, throwing the bottle to the side. More tears fell as he laid back into the grass.

Birds sang a light tune above him as he felt his body numb, his eyes lose focus and fade to black, his mind going blank. He felt his breath hitch in his chest as his heartbeat sped at a terrifyingly increasing rate before faltering, beating hard, and faltering again. 

More tears fell as the sound around him muffled and the world faded away to nothing.

 

 


	17. Chapter Seventeen

 

Louis didn't bother waiting for Harry at all, or looking for him, after school that day. He knew he had never come, and judging by the barely coherent text he sent earlier he had a sinking feeling why. He raced home as quickly as he could hoping against all odds that Harry would miraculously be there, curled up on the couch or in his bed, when he arrived. Of course, Harry wasn't there. There was no sign of him ever having been there either, no mess left behind, no tell-tale mussing of the bedding where he may have curled up to sleep off his- whatever he was on. 

Louis searched every inch of the small flat for signs of Harry and deflated on the couch with a sigh when he found none. He quickly pulled his mobile from his pocket and sent a text to Niall. He wasn't going to let himself get too worried yet, there was no use until he got ahold of Niall. He hadn't seen him at school that day either, though Louis wasn't really looking, so it was possible he was with Harry all day. It didn't make the situation with Harry and the drugs any better, but knowing that he had someone with him, to keep an eye on him, would make Louis feel a whole lot better. It might make the solid rock that was his stomach loosen a bit. He hadn't eaten all day as his stomach wouldn't allow it, his anxiety too high. He couldn't even drink water without feeling nauseous.

Louis clutched his phone tightly in his fist as he waited for the reply. A million scenarios playing through his mind. Once again most ended with Harry lying in a ditch somewhere. 'Why always a ditch?' Louis thought miserably as he groaned and fell onto his side, burying his head beneath a pillow. The knot in his stomach was only getting worse and he felt like he might vomit just from the uneasy feeling, laying down wasn't helping. He sat up quickly to get rid of the spinning and stood to pace instead. That seemed to help a bit, but it was more that it gave his body something else to focus on rather than actually helping to lift an anxiety. Finally his phone buzzed violently in his hand causing him to jump.

Niall: Haven't seen him, he wasn't in class. Everything okay?

Louis' heart dropped and he moved to lean his back against the wall. He threw his head back with a 'thud' and felt a dull pain sit at the back of his skull.

'Have you heard from him at all??' he quickly tapped back. His palms were sweating and he quickly dragged them over his thighs in a failed attempt to dry them. His phone buzzed again.

Niall: Not a peep. Sorry mate. Figured he was with you. no??

'No he was gone before I got up, Jaz said he was acting weird. Any idea where he might go?'

Niall: honestly no. Ill let u know if i hear from him tho

'Please do, thanks mate.' He threw his phone across the room to, thankfully, land with a soft thud on the sofa.

"Fuck! Shit! Fuckfuckfuckfuck!" Louis launched his fist at the wall and breathed through the searing pain before collapsing against it again, resting his forehead on the cool smooth surface. He took in a long stuttering breath and held it tight as he willed his heart to slow its rapid thudding against his rib cage. He steeled himself, trying to clear his head completely and think about what his next move would be. He glanced across the room at his phone and decided he would try Harry again, even though he hadn't answered the hundreds of voice-mails he had left or the thousands of texts he had sent throughout the day, not even worrying if he was reprimanded for using his phone during school hours. Harry was all that mattered and he didn't care how much trouble he got in for trying to contact him. He had even considered just leaving class to find him, but with exams coming up he had to stay and try and focus on his studies which proved to be impossible with his mind racing to Harry lying in a ditch, yes, a ditch... again.

He grasped at his phone trying to keep focused as he pulled up Harry's number quickly and initiated a call. The phone rang and rang and rang with no answer, just as he had figured would happen. Although he was pleading under his breath that this time it would be different. He left a hurried voice-mail again:

"Hey, Hazza, it's me... again. Please, please, babe, please call me, or text me. Anything, I just need to know you're okay.... I love you. I love you so much. Please be okay... I love you and I'm not mad I just want to know you're okay. I love you, Harry." He pulled the phone from his ear as tears built in his eyes. He wiped furiously at them and sucked in a huge breath trying to keep his composure. He can't afford to fall apart now for his own sake, but most of all for Harry's. His whole body was shaking as he heard the door behind him open. He turned around so fast his head spun causing him to falter on his feet.  

"Fuck! Fuck you, Jasper!" Louis exclaimed when he saw Jasper coming through the door. "I'm- I'm sorry mate. I just thought... I thought..."

"You thought I would be Harry." Jasper said with a small twinge of sadness, not that Louis swore at him, but because he knew how tense Louis must be, and at the pure desperation he heard in his voice. "Haven't heard from him then?" Louis shakes his head and finally breaks down into tears, sobbing. Jasper ran to him quickly and pulled him into a hug that Louis quickly returns, grasping desperately to his shirt. He chokes on his own breath several times before being able to breath properly again.   

"I just- I don't know why he did this! I thought... thought that everything was okay!" Louis sobs again and Jasper combs through his hair, shushing him and trying to calm his nerves. "He said- he said that he wanted it. That he wanted me, but... maybe he wasn't ready! I shouldn't have done it. God! I shouldn't have done it!" Louis' legs give out from under him and they both collapse to the floor, Jasper never letting go. A sudden pang hits Jasper in the chest, his heart tightening.

"Louis I-" He swallows hard and shakes his head to focus again. "I umm... I might have said something to him this morning that, at the time, I didn't think was a bid deal, but..." Louis pushes away from him, nearly falling backwards. He blinks at Jasper in confusion for a moment.

"What did you say?" Louis' voice is stern and cold. Jasper just stares wide eyed down at him. "What did you say, Jazz?" Jasper takes a deep breath and prepares himself for the anger he knows will be directed at him when he confesses the conversation he had with Harry that morning.

"I... well I told him that I heard you guys last night, and I made some jokes about it, and he seemed fine about that, honestly. Then I may have told him that- well you remember that night after you  guys met and we got a little drunk and you told me how much you just wanted to sleep with him, so badly?" Louis clenches his jaw and nods once. "Well, I told him about that. That you wanted to fuck him so badly and how you had been talking about it and he got really quiet and weird after that, and then... then he got up and just left. That's when I came and woke you up. I'm sorry Lou, I didn't think he would be that upset about it. I mean he had to know how much you wanted him right. He did, didn't he?" Louis deflates and sits back on his feet.

"I can't believe you told him about that. Of course he knew, but we talked about it and we both decided to wait. I could have waited forever for him! I knew he wasn't ready! Shit! I knew he wasn't ready! Why would you say that? I promised him I didn't want sex, that it was more than that. It is more than that! Why would you say that? Why?" Louis was in hysterics again, flailing his arms about as he spoke, trying hard not to knock Jasper over and throttle his neck like a maniac. Jasper felt his own tears brim and fall from his eyes.

"Dammit Lou! I don't know! I am so sorry! I honestly wasn't thinking! I thought... I was just trying to make conversation, ya know. Like casual talk. I didn't know he would take it so seriously. How was I supposed to know that he would take it so harshly?"

 "Because, I told you! I told you how he was! You knew how fragile he was, how broken he is. Fuck! He trusted me, he trusted me to tell the truth, and now he thinks I was telling you things I wasn't telling him!"

"I'm sorry! I really am! If I could take it all back I would and you know that. It wasn't intentional, ya know! I would never want to hurt you, or him. I love you, Louis, I do. I know how much he means to you and that makes me love him too! It really does. What do you want me to do? I'll do anything." Louis wiped at his face and sniffed back the snot that was coating his upper lip through the tears.

"You're going to help me find him." Louis' eyes were dark with determination as he stood and grabbed his car keys from the table where he had dropped them when he came in. He sniffed again and wiped his eyes furiously. Jasper stood too and steadied himself, wiping at his own face.

"Yeah, of course. Where- where do we go?" Louis turned at looked him in the eye for a brief tense moment before brushing past him to reach the door.

"I don't know. You take your car and circle around here. I'm going to head up toward his place and see if he's at home. If you find him, call me. Don't talk to him, you'll probably only make it worse. Just call me." Louis' voice was cold and harsh. Jasper just nodded his consent.

"I really am sorry, Lou. I didn't mean-" Louis held up his hand and shook his head.

"I know, but it's done now. Just go... find him." With that he exited the flat and left Jasper standing for a moment before grabbing his own keys and heading out.

 

________________________________

 

 Louis drove at a frantic pace toward Harry's place as he turned his head continuously in all directions, slowing whenever he saw any young boy with any speck of Harry's attributes. He looked down dark alleys and weaved his way through the town, turning down as many small backstreets as he could before giving up and speeding straight to Harry's house. He came to screeching halt a the curb in front of Harry's house and barely put his car in park before exiting his car, his keys still dangling in the ignition as he ran to the front door. He rang the doorbell several times, pounding his fist all the while against the door.

The door swung open while he was mid knock and his fist nearly collided with Anne's face.

"Who are you?" she asked, slightly slurring her words. Her hair was a mess and she had heavy, purple bags under her eyes. A cigarette hung loosely from her finger as she brought it up to puff at it. Even through her horrible state Louis could see the beauty that she was once, and knew instantly where Harry got his looks from. She leaned against the door jam and blew a cloud of smoke that made Louis cough slightly as it engulfed his face. He swallowed harshly and stuck his hand out to greet her.

"I'm Louis- Louis Tomlinson." Anne eyed him before glancing at his outstretched hand. She ignored it and took another drag from her cigarette.

"So, you're Louis, huh? Well, at least Harry has good taste. Even if he is a... well, you know." she laughed harshly before coughing. Louis tried to ignore the last comment, but clenched his fists all the same. "So, what do you want?"

"I, umm... I was wondering if Harry was here?"  A smile curled on her lips as she lifted her cigarette again.

"No, sorry. Lost him already, huh? It's been what? Two days?" Louis nodded and dropped his eyes to his feet. "Now you know what it's like. You know the shit I went through everyday with him. Sucks don't it?" Louis brought his eyes back up to meet hers. How could she be so casual about all of this? Louis hated her instantly for that. How could she not care? "Look, kid, I'm sorry, but as far as I'm concerned he's your problem now. He's not here and I don't expect him to come back anytime soon. This house was never a refuge for him. He wouldn't come back here for salvation from anything. If he's gone then I suspect he is at Niall's." She started to close the door, but Louis stopped it with his hand. She looked highly annoyed by this and folded her ams across he chest, puffing a sigh and staring down her nose at him.

"I called him, he hasn't seen or heard from him at all today." Anne's face perked a bit at this for an instant with a slight look of concern before sliding back to its stone expression. She stared at Louis for a moment before pulling another long drag from her cigarette.

"Well, then I have no idea where he's gotten to. Sorry, Louis, but you should get used to this. That's just Harry; he always runs from everything. We tried to help him, for years we tried to help him, and he still ran from us. I hope you can have more luck, but don't count on it. He's lost and I don't think anyone can find him anymore." With that she shut the door leaving Louis on their stoop more miserable than he had been before. He felt completely defeated by her words. Was she right? Could no one save Harry? She was his mother for fuck's sake and even she couldn't do anything to help him. She had slid into her own depression and addiction in doing so. For a moment he resigned himself to the fact that he could be beyond hope before shaking it from his mind. He couldn't think that way. He couldn't believe it. 

Harry needed him, and he wasn't going to give up. It was clear that Anne hadn't cared for a long while now, choosing to settle into her own depression instead of being someone Harry could depend on. No wonder he was so fucked up and love terrified him. Everyone who had 'loved' him had let him down, turned on him when he needed them most. Now he thought Louis was doing the same, talking behind his back about him and his inability to show affection. But that wasn't important! Louis didn't need his affection to care about him. He didn't even want to start a relationship with Harry, but Harry did. Well, Louis thought he did at least, and despite his better judgment had agreed to be with Harry. Despite his better judgment he had let Harry suck him off. Despite his better judgement he had slept with him. 

Louis couldn't help but feel that since they got together his emotions clouded him from actually doing what was right for Harry. He got so comfortable with him and their relationship that he fooled himself into believing, at times, that Harry was fine. He wasn't being the support Harry needed and was instead allowing himself to be another form of addiction for him, one that Louis definitely shared for Harry. 

He shot a quick text to Jasper letting him know he hadn't found Harry and Jasper returned one in kind. He slowly made his way home, once again checking side streets and back alleys. He dragged his feet up two flights of stairs to his flat and fell onto his couch with a depressing sigh. A moment later he felt Jasper sit at the end of the couch and looked up to see him smiling down on him, a bottle of whiskey in his hand. 

"Want some?" Louis shook his head and let it fall back onto the pillow. "Come on, Lou, it will at least take the edge off. Calm your nerves a bit?" Louis groaned and swung his feet off the couch, slouchily sitting beside Jasper now. Maybe he could use a good stiff drink. Jasper poured them each a glass and they sat back on the couch, cuddled together sipping at their drinks. 

"How could I let this happen Jazz?" Louis asked in a hollow voice. "How could I be so careless with him?" Jasper slid his arm behind Louis' head and pulled him a bit closer.

"You didn't do anything. I think it has been firmly established this was all my fault." Louis shook his against Jasper's chest and exhaled heavily.

"No, it wasn't. Not really. I blamed it on you because it was easy, but if I'm honest it's all my fault. I knew what I was getting myself into, I had been warned, but I was stupid. I moved too fast, I wasn't sensitive to what he really needed. I put myself first in a lot of ways. I didn't see it then, but I do now. I told myself that I was looking out for him by always making sure he was okay with everything that happened, but of course he was okay with it. He's okay with everything as long as he feels accepted and wanted, that's all he needs and he'll do anything to get it. Even if that means doing something to please me in place of his own feelings. I should have stuck to my gut feeling when it told me to stop, but I was selfish." He finished off his glass and handed it to Jasper who immediately refilled it.

"You weren't being stupid, or selfish, you were being a normal person. I mean, you still have your own life apart from him and I feel like in order to 'fix' him the way that you want you would have to devote all of your time and energy to him, and that's just not possible. He can't, and shouldn't, expect you to do that. There may be parts of him that you will just have to accept and if you really love him and want to stay with him then you're just going to have to hang on and hope that things get better. Guide him when you can, support him where you can and hope that he makes it through. He's his own person too and if you were to fix all his problems then I think eventually you would feel trapped and grow to resent him," Louis sat up rather abruptly and looked sternly at Jasper who stuck out his hand to stop Louis from speaking before rubbing his thigh comfortingly. "because, like, if... way in the future, or something... if you ever wanted out of this relationship, I feel like you wouldn't be able to do it. You'd feel like if you left him he would slide right back into all this shit, and you'd probably be right. I think that no matter what happens, you'll always care about him, and I know you, Louis Tomlinson, when you care about something it's with a fierce devotion. I don't think you could ever give him up if you thought something bad would happen to him. He needs to figure this out on his own if it's going to be successful, yeah? You can't be his saviour, Lou. No matter how much you want to be. He has to be that for himself." 

Louis stared for a moment through a haze of tears that had filled his eyes, threatening to spill over, before nodding and throwing back his whiskey, slamming the glass down and demanding another. This continued for another hour before they finished the bottle and were completely hammered. They talked, they cried, they passed out on the couch. At least Louis would get some sleep this way. With the nerves he had he never would have gotten to sleep any otherwise, which may have been a good thing.

Not more than five minutes after they both fell asleep Louis missed the call from Niall that said he'd finally found Harry- in the hospital.

 

 


	18. Chapter Eighteen

 

Louis slept soundly that night, curled up on the couch. He dreamt of Harry and his bright green eyes. His brilliant smile and his luscious, curly hair. He dreamt of his lips, the way they felt, and of his skin, soft, pale and smooth; a porcelain surface beneath all the scars. His mind didn't imagine Harry perfect and without them, to Louis, his scars were what made him who he was. They only enhanced the beauty of the boy, reflecting how much he had gone through and how much he had overcome. A sort of living tribute to how strong he could be. What was a few scars when you still had your life?

He awoke from a particularly happy dream with a smile on his lips and a tightening in his trousers. He wrapped his arm tighter around the body next to him, pulling them closer together. He traced his hands down the long torso and rucked up the bottom of his shirt to run his finger tips over the soft skin just above his briefs. He nestled in and nudged at the boys back with his nose before breathing in his heavy scent. Louis' face crinkled up and his eyes flew open when the smell wasn't what he was expecting. He sat up slightly, alarmed to be on the couch, and looked over to see Jasper's sleeping face.

"Shit-" Louis swore under his breath as he removed his hand with, lightning speed, which had made its way down onto Jasper's crotch, clutching his morning stiffy. Immediately the events of the previous day overwhelmed him. It crashed over his mind like a tidal wave and he quickly got caught in the undercurrent. It tossed him around and around till he didn't know which way was up anymore. His breath caught in his throat and his stomach lurched. He sprang off the couch quickly, vaulting over Jasper, nearly doing a belly flop onto the coffee table, and ran down the hall. He narrowly made it to the toilet before the contents of his stomach, which consisted of only bile and alcohol, came racing up his throat. He clutched to the cold sides of the porcelain and heaved again and again till nothing more came out, but his stomach wouldn't let him stop. It felt as if it, too, was trying to climb out through his mouth, squeezing almost painfully as his body lurched up and he gagged dryly. His eyes watered and a cold sweat broke over his body as he shivered, the air around him suddenly feeling frigid.

Finally his stomach settled and he sunk back to sit on the floor. He wiped his mouth and leaned forward to spit a few times into the toilet, trying to rid himself of the acidic burn in his throat and the vile taste on his tongue, before reaching out and flushing it. When he was sure his stomach was going to stay put he slowly pulled himself to his feet and rinsed his mouth in the sink. He splashed his face with ice cold water, sobering himself a bit. His head was throbbing slightly, but he'd felt worse after a night of drinking. He glanced up to the mirror and was shocked by what he saw. His face was pale and hollowed. Large purple bags sagged under his eyes and his hair was a complete mess; matted down on one side where he slept and sticking straight out on the other. His lips were cracked and bleeding slightly where he had chewed them raw through his stress and anxiety the day before.

He groaned and pulled his eyes from his horrifying reflection. How could he have slept the whole night and not remembered that Harry was still missing? How could he have kept that from his mind the whole time? Why were his dreams filled with smiling lips, sparkling eyes, sensual moans and miles of glistening skin rather than turning to blood-curddling, scream-inducing nightmares? He almost felt guilty for this. Knowing that Harry could be anywhere right now, doing who-knows-what, and possibly dead in a ditch, while he was curled up, cozy on the couch, sleeping soundly and dreaming of making love to his boyfriend was enough to make his stomach churn again. This was an extreme guilt, like none Louis had ever felt before. He should have been up all night and out looking for Harry. He should have been searching the frigid streets to bring Harry back to the warmth of their home.

He willed his stomach to stop its flipping as tears began to fall from his eyes. He steeled himself with a large breath and brought his eyes up to the mirror again.

"Don't cry, Louis." He said to himself through gritted teeth, "You can't fucking cry right now." He stared at himself for a moment longer with determination in his eyes. Another moment later and he had managed to push his emotions down, the tears stopped falling. A shower was what he needed now; just a quick one to wake him up, clear his head before he would hit the streets again and search till he found Harry. No matter how long it took he was going to search, and he promised himself he wouldn't sleep again until they were sleeping together. He pulled his shirt over his head and made his way to the shower. He reached his hand out to turn the shower on when the loud slam of the door opening behind him made him jump.

"Louis! You have a missed call... a missed call from Niall. He left you a voicemail. Think he found Harry?" Louis stared for a moment before the words finally all made sense in his head. His eyes grew large as he leapt toward Jasper, grabbing his phone and staring at the bright screen. There it was; one missed call, one voicemail. His hands were shaking and his breath was coming in short bursts. He tried not to get his hopes up. It could have been Niall just calling to check in, or inform him that he still hadn't heard anything, but Louis had a feeling that wasn't what he had called to say. Although whether it would be good to bad news... Louis didn't even want to try and guess, sure his imagination would be worse then the truth anyway. He tapped the button to redial Niall and held the phone to his ear. He slowly pushed Jasper back out of the bathroom and shut the door, much to Jasper's annoyance, but Louis knew that no matter what the news was he would want to be alone with his emotions. The phone rang three times and Louis wasn't sure if Niall would pick up, but-

"Louis, hi." Niall's voice was low and gravelly filled with the sound tension and uneasy sleep.

"Niall! Did you find Harry?" Louis wasn't going to wait through needless small talk when there was only one reason for them to be talking now. If Niall didn't know anything he couldn't waste time on the phone with him rather than spending that time out looking. There was a silence for a moment and Louis struggled to catch his breath again. "Niall?"

"You didn't listen to my message did you?" What the fuck was he on about that message for? They were talking now, weren't they?

"No, I didn't! What happened? Where's Harry? Is he okay? Niall! Oh, God he's dead isn't he? He's hurt, right? What happened? Niall! Talk to me!" It all came out in a slur of word vomit that wouldn't allow Niall to get a word in edge-wise even if he had tried. 

"Louis, just stop. Breathe. Harry's umm... Harry's in the hospital, Louis." Louis' entire world came crashing down around him. A weight landed on his shoulders and made him collapse to the ground as his stomach heaved again. He didn't make it to the toilet this time, but nothing came up except for a horrible gagging noise, that same painful clenching of his stomach. He gagged a few more times, his eyes watering again before his body let him rest for a moment. "Louis? Louis!" He could hear Niall's voice calling to him from the phone that was still clutched in his hand. He tried to take a deep breath but only succeeded in taking in a small amount of air before he shakily brought the phone back up to his ear.

"Is... Niall? Is he alright." Louis held the phone tightly to him, he hugged himself around his stomach with the other arm, and clenched his eyes tight preparing for the worst. He was ready to literally hold himself together if he had to.

"He's...yeah, he's okay, now." Louis let out a long sigh and his whole body relaxed slightly. He let a prayer fall from his lips and a tear slid down his cheek. "He... someone found him in a park, unconscious, and called the paramedics. They brought him here and... I guess he drank a lot and took some pills... still not sure what they were, but they pumped his stomach and put him on an IV to rehydrate him and stuff. The doctor said he should be fine now that's it's all out of his system. They want to keep him here though because... well, because they think it was intentional. Harry swears it wasn't, that he just got carried away... maybe that's the truth. I'm not even sure to be honest, but with his history of suicide attempts and his diagnosed depression they want to keep him here on watch for a couple days." Louis took in the information. He hoped to God it wasn't another suicide attempt. To think that something he did, or said, or anything drove Harry to that point again would devastate Louis beyond repair. He wasn't sure he could live with himself if Harry hurt himself because of him.

"Can I... can I talk to him?" He spoke softly, though he wasn't sure why, like it was some intense secret, barely breathing out the words. There was a long silence on the other end of the phone and he could almost hear Niall thinking. He could feel the tension through the phone and it made his stomach twist in knots; at least he wasn't going to throw up again. He started to chew his lip, reopening a wound from the day before, and his knee started to shake under him as he waited. "Niall-

"That's not a good idea right now, Louis." Louis froze. Why was that not a good idea? Maybe this was all because of him after all. His eyes began to burn, his vision blurring.

"What do you mean? Niall... I just want to tell him that.... that I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry if I did anything to hurt him. Maybe I should just come down there and do it in per-"

"Look," Niall's voice was suddenly sharp and cold, "I don't want to get in the middle of this, it isn't my place, but Harry is my best friend and all I know is he said he didn't want to talk to you. He doesn't want to see you. If you really do care about him than please respect that and leave him alone." There was a brief pause, Louis didn't know what to say, "I warned you Louis... I gave you an opportunity to get out while you still could... I told you not to break his heart, and now..." Niall let a frustrated half-yell fall from his lips.

"But, Niall, I promise I didn't-" Louis began to plead.

"Save it Louis. I really don't want to hear it. I don't know what you did to him, but... You know what? I just... Fuck it!" With that the line went dead. Louis stayed on the floor with the phone clutched to his ear. His breathing was quick and heavy, his eyes searched blankly in front of him as if he would see some magical answer appear before him. Like it would show him what he had done that was so terrible to make Harry want to try and kill himself, and then to not want to see Louis or talk to him at all. He let the phone slide from his hand and pushed himself off the floor. His head was light, swimming and body felt numb. He fumbled with the doorknob a few times before grasping it and pulling it open. He stumbled down the short hall to the living room where Jasper was sat on the couch, worry wrecking his face as he chewed at his nails staring at a blank television. He stood immediately and went to Louis.

"Lou, what happened? Louis..." Louis just pushed him aside and continued on to the kitchen, with Jasper right behind him. "Louis is Harry...? He's not... like... dead is he?" Jasper whispered slightly, not wanting to say the words aloud. Louis ignored him and began throwing open cupboards searching for something.

"Where the fuck-" He turned and moved quickly to the refrigerator, standing on his tip-toes and reaching the small cabinet above it. He pulled the door open and felt around blindly for a moment before pulling a bottle down.

"Louis, what the fuck are you doing?" Jasper stepped up to him as he screwed the top off the bottle and took a long pull, throwing his head back. "Louis! Christ! It's barely eight in the morning, what the hell are you thinking?" Louis didn't give him an answer he simply pulled the bottle to his lips again and drank. His eyes were glazed over and his skin was ghostly white, there was blood just under his lip and red tear stains on his cheek. Jasper had never- ever- seen Louis look like that before. Ever. Louis always looked tan, always look good, always looked... happy. Now, he looked... well, Jasper wasn't sure he even knew a word for how Louis looked in that moment. It was a combination of things he supposed. Dazed, confused, horrified, depressed, miserable, heartbroken, primal... lost. They were all words Jasper would never think to describe Louis. Not as long as he knew him anyway. 

Louis was an absolute mess, chugging from the bottle until he had to stop just to breath, before quickly diving back in without a second's hesitation. It got to the point where Jasper was worried about alcohol poisoning and decided to intervene. He stepped forward and tried to grab the bottle but Louis just jerked away from him violently.

"Louis, come on, you've had enough." He reached out again but Louis just slapped his hand away.

"No!" he screamed louder than Jasper had ever heard. It ripped though him, coming from somewhere deep and real, guttural. It was a primal instinct, which was all his body was running on now. There was no reason left in him, no coherent thoughts. His body was on auto-pilot and it was headed for a crash landing. Louis didn't care though, he could see it coming, and he just didn't care. "Just leave me alone! Leave me the fuck alone!" He pushed Jasper back hard with is free hand and slid down the front of the fridge till he was sitting on the floor, his feet out in front of him. Then, he fell apart. Tears came down and sobs erupted with the force of an exploding volcano, sputtering from his lips and getting caught in his throat. He choked on his breath a few times before bringing the bottle to his mouth and swallowing quickly. He was hammered. He was angry. He was beyond any form of sadness he had ever know. All he could do was hang his head and cry.

Jasper watched Louis fall apart in front of him as he tried to keep his own emotions at bay. Louis' sobs got louder as he slumped forward slightly, his whole body heaving with each sob and breath. Jasper slid down next to him and tentatively took Louis' hand in his own. There was no reaction from Louis except another Loud wail that sent spit sputtering from his mouth. Jasper didn't move, though. He held Louis' hand tight and rubbed comforting circles into the back of it. He didn't know what to do, what to say, where to begin, he didn't even know what had really happened yet, but he was going to be there. Whether Louis wanted it or not, he was going to be there, comforting him the only way he could think of. He would sit on the floor as long as it took. He wasn't going leave Louis alone. 

It was quite sometime later, an hour maybe, Jasper had no clue, before Louis finally calmed down a bit. At least enough to start drinking again. They were sat in the same position they had been the whole time. Jasper didn't try to stop Louis from drinking again, he figured if Louis was doing this there was a good reason, and who was he to judge? Louis took another long pull, more booze dribbling from his lips than actually making it into his stomach, and let the bottle fall to the ground nearly empty. He hiccuped and belched loudly before wiping his mouth with a heavy arm and letting a pathetic, small whimper fall from his puffy lips.

"I did it... I f-f-fucked it everything... I fucked everything up." Louis was struggling to form words, let alone a coherent sentence. "It was me... fault... all of my fault. He trusted in me... he did. Harry... beautiful, beautiful, beautiful... Harry trusted me, and I fucked him up- I fucked him over." Jasper sat intently listening, trying to make sense of the babbling. "And he's so perfectly- he's so perfectly... he's beautiful, and my fault now... he tired to kill himself... it's my fault. He did it because of only me. In the hospital because of only me. I fucked everything, Jazz, I fucked it all up. He won't even talk to me now... he fucking hates me!" Jasper wasn't sure what to say. He sat dumbfounded and could only pull Louis into his chest to rub his back and smooth his hair and sing softly under his breath to try and calm him down as Louis fell into quiet sobs. Jasper rocked him slightly and pressed a kiss to the top of his head.

"I love him, Jazzy. I just really, really fucking love him." Jasper kissed him again and pulled him closer.

"I know you do, Lou, I know."

"I don't want to live without him. I can't live without him. I can't, I can't-" Louis moved himself to lay his head in Jasper's lap. Jasper ran his finger through his hair and shushed him till his sobs subsided and he fell into a drunken sleep. Jasper sat awake on the floor, his back to the steel of the fridge, staring blankly straight ahead, one hand around Louis' waist, the other tangled in his hair. 

This was the first time ever Jasper was actually terrified for what might happen to Louis.

 

 


	19. Chapter Nineteen

 

Harry glanced lazily around the sterile white room he was laying in. His nose burned with the intense sterility of it all. The bed was horribly uncomfortable and his back was starting to hurt. He shifted any way he could without pulling the IV clean from his arm, but still couldn't get comfortable. He hated hospitals with an intense passion. He had spent far too much time in them over the years, and he thought this whole thing was blown totally out of proportion. I mean, he was glad they saved him and all, but he didn't need to be kept here for some stupid observation. He was fine. Yes, he was stupid and drank when he was taking pills that most certainly shouldn't have been mixed with alcohol, but it wasn't any kind of suicide attempt. All he wanted to do was go home, well to Niall's anyway. As far as he was concerned as of that moment he didn't have a home anymore.

He couldn't go to his mother's house; he had completely told her off when he left to stay with Louis and had no intention of ever going back. Now, he couldn't go to Louis' either, that just wasn't an option anymore. How he could have been stupid enough to get involved with Louis in the first place he couldn't fathom. He always had a gut feeling it wouldn't go well, but he chose to ignore it because, well, he just wanted Louis so fucking much. He fell fast and hard and just wanted to be with him. Harry didn't think he could be with anyone though, he was a dark force, a black hole, that only sucked people into his depravity, his sorrow. Louis was too bright a light to be put out by someone as insignificant as Harry. Someone who didn't even care about himself, who was still questioning so much in his life. Louis deserved far better than anything he would ever be able provide for him.

He heard a slight knock at the door and it creaked open, pulling him from his reverie and making him jump slightly, the IV tugging uncomfortably under his pale skin.

"Oh, hey, you're up!" Niall came bounding into the room with a smile on his angelic face. He pulled a chair from the wall and placed it next to Harry's bed, slumping into it. He reached out and grabbed Harry's hand in his own, squeezing it tight. "How are you feeling?" Harry shrugged. He felt fine, a little spacey, but otherwise he was fine.

"I feel great!" He said with an large amount of sarcasm, Niall frowned. "Really, though, I feel okay." He squeezed Niall's hand in reassurance and let a small genuine smile pull on his lips. He was actually incredibly happy just to have his little snowflake sitting next to him. "Just kinda tired, and my head is fucking killing me!" Niall huffed a long sigh.

"The nurse said she was going to give you something for that. Did she not do that?" Harry shrugged and shook his head. He couldn't remember any nurse giving him anything. "Well, I'll go find someone, okay?" He went to get out of his chair, but Harry held his hand tighter and pulled him back, he couldn't be left alone with his thoughts anymore. They just made him pine for Louis and he needed to start moving on.

"I'd rather you stayed here with me. I fucking hate hospitals." Niall returned to his chair and nodded with a slight smile. "Besides, I have this thing." Harry held up the large grey remote next to him with the nurse call button in blazing red at theop and controls for the telly below it.

"I'm pretty sure that's just for emergencies, innit?" Harry let out a loud laugh and shook his head.

"You've never been in a hospital have you?" Niall shook his head. "You can push this button whenever you need something. Nurses are practically like room service around here. Especially when they think you want to off yourself." Harry chuckled again and Niall shook his head in disbelief.

"That's so fucking twisted, mate." Niall said with a breathy laugh. Harry just shrugged and his lips parted in a devilish smirk that even his innocent dimples couldn't betray.

"I know, but it's true, and hey, I have tried to kill myself so I think that gives me the right to be as blasē about it as I want."

"Blasē?" Niall raised his eyebrows.

"Sometimes I use words like 'blasē'. I have a very wide vocabulary, bigger than yours, that's for sure." Niall scoffed at that, though it was most likely true. Harry may not talk a lot, but he can say a lot with very few words when he does.

"Oh, yeah mate, you're a real scholar." Both boys laughed for a moment before it died slowly to an awkward silence. They stared at each other for a moment before Harry slid over in his bed and patted the empty space next to him. Niall stood and pulled himself up onto bed to lie next to Harry, minding the tubes and chords that led to Harry's body. Harry immediately turned into him and rested his head on Niall's chest, his arm around his waist. Niall's hand found its way, naturally, into Harry's thick curls. They laid still for a moment and their breathing sunk into a slow rhythm, instinctually matching each other. 

"I'm sorry for this, Niall. I really am, and I promise that I wasn't trying to hurt myself. That really wasn't my intention, I swear. You know that I would come to you first, right?" Niall nodded. "Like we talked about." Niall rubbed his back and Harry pressed more firmly to his side.

"Yeah, I know, Harry." Niall placed a gentle kiss to the top of Harry's head. "I umm... I talked to Louis... on the phone, just before I came in. He called me." Harry's whole body went rigid at the name, his heart skipped a beat and he couldn't help but long to be curled up next to him rather than Niall. Harry clenched his eyes shut and tried to push the emotions away. 

'Forget him, Harry. Just fucking forget him.' He thought to himself. 

"He wanted to talk to you," Niall said gently and Harry's heart dropped at the words. "but I told him you didn't want to talk to him or see him. He sounded like a real mess Harry... like he was really worried, beyond that even. I think he was totally falling apart over there. I know you don't want to tell me what happened with you two, and that's totally fine, but I think you should at least explain-"

"No." Harry sat up abruptly, wincing as the IV tugged uncomfortably under his skin. "I just- I can't talk to him anymore. I don't want to see him, because..." Harry looked off toward the blank wall in front of him, pulling his bottom lip between his teeth. Niall watched as his large eyes began to shimmer with tears. He reached out and took up his hand again.

"Because of what, Harry?" Harry shook his head and turned away as he brought his hand to his trembling lips.

"Because I can't be near him and not want him. I can't hear his voice and not burn for him. I'd fall for him all over again and I wouldn't be able to let him go, and that wouldn't be good... for him." Niall was confused by that. How would it not be good for Louis? And if Louis had done something to hurt Harry, then why would Harry care so much about him?

"I don't understand, I guess. Why would that be bad for Louis?" Harry turned back to Niall, his face lined with tears, his eyes wide. He thought for a moment, his mind turning over itself as he struggled to find words to form a coherent thought that would, hopefully, make Niall understand.

"Because he's good, too good... and I know that... that I would destroy him." 

 

_________________________

 

It had been two days since Harry went into the hospital and Jasper was almost more worried now about Louis than he had been before. He hadn't allowed himself to be sober for a minute since that morning and only left the flat to get more alcohol, stumbling about town incoherently and occasionally getting lost or passing out on the way home. Once he didn't even make it back to the flat before he turned around to get more booze because he had finished the small bottle in the two hours it took him to walk a measly three blocks from the store.

Now he was sat on a small bench by the window in their living room, slumped against the wall and staring out the window, watching as rain slid down the cold glass in front of him. He lifted the glass in his hand a swallowed heavily, his body not even noting the burn as the alcohol slid down his throat. He had become so numb to it all now, too everything really, and that is just how Louis wanted it. He drank till his mind clouded over and he couldn't even form coherent thoughts. That way he couldn't feel so bad about everything. He didn't seem to miss Harry so much. Although nothing could be further from the truth in the reality he barricaded himself from.

Louis missed him even more now than ever before if that was possible. Every day, every minute that went by might as well have been ten years. There was a dull pain in the pit of his stomach that wouldn't go away. There was an emptiness in his chest that refused to be filled. He spent his time wandering from room to room remembering how much better and more homey it was with Harry around, even if it had been for such a short time, too short. He couldn't lay in his bed anymore. It felt wrong, empty without Harry's warm body tucked against his own. He avoided the couch for the same reason, choosing instead to curl up next to the window and drink miserably. Jasper's many attempts to cheer him up or get him out of the house were pointless. Louis would just yell, or cry, or yell and cry then drink even more until everything stopped and he passed out again. 

His phone was always clutched in hand waiting, hoping, that Harry would call him. He knew it was useless after what Niall had told him, but he couldn't help but wish that Niall was wrong and that Harry still wanted him. It took all of his energy to not contact him, to respect his wishes and leave him alone. It was the hardest thing he had ever done in his life. He could vaguely remember that he had sent him sloppy messages in his drunken state, but couldn't be sure if that had been real or just a half imagined dream brought on by the alcohol. All he wanted was to hear Harry's voice. To tell him he loved him and that he could make everything better. He knew that it was something he couldn't promise anymore, but he just wanted the chance to try.

He was still glued to that spot in front of the window when Jasper came home from school. The boy didn't acknowledge the sound of the door closing or of the solemn sigh that fell from his roommate's lips as his bag slumped from his shoulder to his feet. He didn't look up to see him approach, his face riddled with lines of worry and his fingers wringing through his disheveled hair.  Jasper hovered behind Louis for a moment taking in his tragic appearance. His hair was flattened depressingly, unwashed against his head, his skin was pale and lacking its normal luminous glow. There was no sparkle in his dark and dead eyes, made even more apparent by the deep purple rings around his sunken eyes. His normally lust-worthy, model-esque cheek bones were all the more prominent over his hollowed cheeks. His lips were chapped and drawn into a thin line and incredibly pale, on the verge of disappearing completely into his white skin. If it weren't for the dried red blood that stuck to them you wouldn't know they were there. 

"Louis?" Jasper whispered so as not to startle the dazed boy in front of him. Louis made no motion at the sound as he watched the rain drops cling to the window before sliding down slowly, matching the tears that rolled over his sunken cheeks. "Louis." Jasper spoke louder this time, even daring to reach a hand out to rest timidly on Louis' shoulder. Louis started under the touch and Jasper quickly withdrew his hand. Louis turned to look up at Jasper, but there was no acknowledgement in his eyes, no actual seeing behind them; just a dead, blank stare.  

"Hi." was all that Louis could muster, his voice raw and deep. Jasper nearly winced at the heart wrenching sound and slid silently onto the bench next to him. His hand came up to softly brush the sweat matted bangs from his forehead and a small whimper escaped Louis' lips. More tears fell and his breath hitched in his chest. Jasper grasped him at the back of his neck and pulled him tight to his chest, resting his chin on the top of his head and wrapping his other hand around his shoulder to gently rock him and press small kisses to wherever he could reach. Louis just hung limply in his arms and sobbed softly, barely enough strength for even that.  

"Hey, it's going to be okay, ya know. I promise it will be." Jasper spoke gently, carefully, rubbing circles along Louis back. "Harry will be fine, and who knows what could happen? He isn't even out of the hospital yet. He may come around once he is and realize that he needs you as much as you need him now. Just wait, you'll see. I can't believe he would really just walk out of your life like that without another word about it. He didn't even say goodbye, and, if nothing else, I know that he at least cared about you enough to want to say a proper goodbye, yeah?" Louis sucked in a large breath and wiped at his eyes with heavy hands, his raw face stinging at the touch.

"What if he doesn't? What if he's just... gone? What then? What do I do?" Louis broke out into more sobs, choking on his breath. Jasper brought his hand up to run it through Louis' hair and scratch lightly at his scalp in a way he knew always calmed the boy, though who knew if anything would really work at this point. He thought for a moment not sure what he should say. He had to be so careful, tiptoe around everything in fear that it would send Louis off into another fit and push him deeper into his depression. Jasper really wanted to just tell him to get the fuck up and move on with his life already! He'd only know Harry a short time anyway and he couldn't possibly think this was going to be forever yet anyway, could he? If Harry didn't want the genuine, selfless, perfect human being that was Louis Tomlinson then that was his loss and Louis shouldn't be the one to suffer for it. But Jasper couldn't say those things, they were all the exact wrong things to say now. So, he went against his instinct of being a true and honest friend, and went with the answer of a supportive one instead.

"I really don't believe that he is gone. I don't, Louis. He cared for you, we both know that, and you don't just run from the people you love. If, on the off chance, he never talks to you again then... well, first we die, then we man the fuck up, deal with it and move on with our lives. The two of us, together, like it used to be, until you find someone else. And there will be someone else, Louis. If anyone deserves love it is you. More than anyone I know, okay. That is the truth." Jasper pressed another kiss to Louis' head and felt the boy nod against him. The sobs had all but stopped and his body had calmed from the hiccups it had been doing before. "I promise everything will work out in the end. I promise, I really do." He rocked slightly, still cradling Louis' head in his hand against his chest. Silence fell over the room for an uncountable amount of time as they both sat listening to the rain pelt against the glass behind them. The sound was comforting in its sporadic rhythm and it nearly lulled Jasper into sleep until Louis shifted awkwardly under him, prying himself from Jasper's grasp and sitting up straight next to him, wiping his eyes and drinking from his glass again

Jasper took in his frail appearance and noticed that he looked somehow thinner than he had only a couple of days ago. That couldn't be possible though, right? You can't lose weight like that in just a matter of days could you? Depression did do incredibly weird things to you physically though, and weight loss could just be one of those things. How could Jasper know? He didn't want to take the chance of neglecting something that could be so blatantly obvious so he leaned into Louis,

"Have you eaten today?" Louis stared blankly ahead and shrugged his shoulders slightly. Well, that's a 'no'. "Did you eat yesterday," Louis shook his head, "or the day before?" Jasper's eyes widened as Louis shook his head again. "All you've been doing is drinking?" Louis shrugged. "Fuck, Lou! I'm surprised you haven't sent yourself to the hospital like that." He saw a small grimace pass Louis' visage at the mention of the hospital but he didn't care. He has more pressing things to worry about in this moment. "You need to eat, Louis" Louis frowned.

"I don't want to."

"It isn't about want right now. It's about need, and you need it Louis. I'm serious. No isn't an answer right now. I am going to make you something." Jasper made to stand as cold, clammy, boney fingers wrapped around his wrist and dragged him back down. "Louis, I'm serious right now. I'm not taking 'no' for an-"

"I'll do it myself." Louis spoke with conviction as he pushed himself up from the bench, staggering on his feet and falling back. Jasper clenched his waist and steadied him before he could hit the ground. Louis' batted his hands away and pushed back up, taking far too much time to stop himself from swaying. Jasper hovered behind him waiting for him to fall, but he found his footing and began to make his way to the kitchen, slowly. It seemed like he was taking two steps forward and one step back, and in reality he was, as he swayed back and forth. Jasper stood and followed behind him as he sloppily navigated around the furniture nearly doubling over as he ran into the arm of the couch. Jasper immediately made to grab him again and help him, but Louis pushed his hands away.

"Just stop, Jazz! I don't need you! I don't need fucking anyone! I can do it myself!" he erupted catching Jasper off guard as he put up his hands in surrender. Louis shot him a nasty glare around his body and moved forward again, keeping his hands on the couch to feel his way around it as if he was blind. He finally made it to the kitchen and swung the fridge open with too much force, nearly sending himself sprawling back. Jasper gasped slightly and clenched his fists to his mouth. "I'm fucking fine!" Louis said throwing up his hands and stumbling forward to put his head in the fridge looking for food. Jasper stood and watched him as he poked about for a minute before settling onto the couch and flicking on the telly for some sort of distraction.

He flipped through the channels at a rapid pace, hardly even noticing what was on each before moving on. Finally, he settled on some mindless cartoon and stared blankly at the screen chewing his fingernails. He thought of the days past when he and Louis would come home after school and sprawl out on the floor in their flannels or trackies and watch this stupid program together, sharing a bowl of popcorn and laughing till they were a messy heap of tears on the floor. They would talk all sorts of gossip from school, help each other with course work when needs. They'd talk about their latest conquests, boyfriends, or lack there of and often end up spending the night curled up in each other's arms, exhausted and happy. All that was missing was braiding each other's hair really and, other than one attempt when Jasper had let his hair grow embarrassingly long for a winter, neither of them had the locks to quite do that. Now, all of that seemed a distant memory. Ever since Harry came around it had never been like that. The selfish part of Jasper secretly, very secretly, wished that Harry may not come back so he could have Louis to himself again. He couldn't deny his love for Louis and had they not been friends as long as they have been, more like brothers now, he was sure he would tell him, sure he would try and make something happen between them, but he knew that would never be now. But he could always dream right?

He was deep in thoughts of the past and the potential future-that-could-have-been with Louis when a loud crash pulled him from his reverie. It wasn't the crash that made his blood run cold and his heart stop in his chest. It wasn't the crash that made his face bleach and his hair stand on end. It wasn't the crash that made him freeze in place as his inside raced at the speed of light. No, it wasn't that. It was the sound that followed. The unmistakable, gut retching sound of bone cracking against marble. It reverberated in Jasper's head over and over, louder and louder, until his stomach lurched and he was seeing stars behind his eyes. His adrenaline finally kicked in and he bolted up from the couch and ran to the kitchen. his eyes searched for only a moment before he saw Louis.

He was on the floor, his eyes were closed. There was a large pan next to him and his arms were laid limply at his side. Jasper gaped at him for a moment before it all got worse. Right before his eyes, as he watched, a large red puddle began to form around Louis' head, spreading in all directions. Jasper immediately dropped to his knees beside Louis and shook him slightly.

"Louis?" his voice was pleading. "Louis! No, oh fucking- Christ! Louis? No, no, no, no, please, God." He watched as Louis got impossibly more pale and his breath began to slow. He fished his phone from his pocket and quickly punched 999 as his eyes burned. The phone rang. "Fuck! Come one already! Louis? Louis! Fuck, please, please... Yes! Hello? I'm... my friend fell... he hit his head.... there's blood- Oh, my fucking God there's blood everywhere! Why is there so much blood? Please, help! He needs help now, please! Hurry!" After he got confirmation that help was on the way he dropped his phone from his ear and hovered over Louis. He looked around helplessly before grabbing a towel from the counter in front of him. Very carefully he lifter Louis head, tilting it in his hand till he found the spot that he thought the blood was coming from at the back of his head. He pushed the towel tightly to it and pulled Louis' head up to rest on his legs. Within a minute the towel was soaked warm and soaked through. He tried to keep breathing and keep Louis still as his head swam and more tears tore from his eyes

He held him tightly, both boys covered in blood, on the kitchen floor, hoping that when help arrived it wouldn't be too late.

 


	20. Chapter Twenty

 

Harry was finding that the hospital was not as intolerable as he had originally thought when he woke up there a couple of days ago. It helped that Niall had been there by his side nearly every hour of the day, telling him jokes, sneaking him food, and most importantly keeping his mind occupied with nonsensical banter so he didn't spend the hours pining for Louis the way he knew he would have. It helped that the nurses had all immediately taken to his subtle charm that only seemed to work on older women and... well, he wasn't thinking about the other person, right? Right. It also helped that his hospital appointed shrink didn't think he was completely nuts or suicidal, and he rather enjoyed his daily talks with the slender man. It helped him talk through some issues he hadn't realized he needed to talk about and was truthfully beginning to see how he could be happy again. On his own.

Maybe.

But, just barely.

Now, Harry laid in his bed alone. Niall had gone home to get some real rest and, to be honest, he just needed some damn time away from that hospital, and away from Harry. Harry knew that once again he was being a burden on Niall, that wasn't hard to tell, but he was just so scared to be alone with his thoughts for even a moment. So, whenever Niall would make to leave Harry would always reel him back in with another story, or joke, a lingering touch, or, on one very desperate occasion, he broke down into tears that weren't entirely necessary just to get the blond boy to stay a little while longer. It was selfish, Harry knew that, but he also knew that he needed Niall there with him. He needed help to get through the longing and pain that twisted through his gut and the searing thoughts of lust that invaded his mind. He was sure if he could just overcome that he would never need to think of Louis again.

That is where Harry was at now; trying to purge his mind of these thoughts, yet all the while questioning why he wanted to do so so badly. He was caught between that cliched rock and a hard place. He knew he loved Louis, he knew Louis loved him. So, what was the problem? The problem was that Harry didn't deserve any of it, or so he thought. And since he loved Louis as much as he did he felt it was up to him to distance himself so that Louis could realize just what kind of mistake he was making by dating and falling for Harry. Louis deserved someone who wasn't afraid of intimacy. Someone who wouldn't make him wait for sex if he wanted it. Someone who wasn't afraid to go out and be seen with him. Who wasn't afraid to meet his friends and family for fear of being to awkward and un-accepted. He deserved someone who wouldn't make him shut down his entire life just to be with him. And that is exactly what Harry had begun to do.

He knew as long as Louis thought Harry loved him he would never give up on him. That was one of the reasons Harry loved him; his fierce and unwavering dedication to those he loved. Louis wanted, no, needed to help Harry because of that love and would remain blinded by it, possibly forever. So, Harry figured if he could convince himself to fall out of love then it would be simple to push Louis away; to save him. If Harry didn't love Louis then Louis would just move on to the life he should be living. Harry thought it wouldn't be that hard for Louis at all. Once Harry was out of sight he was sure Louis would forget, just like that. 

Gone. 

So, he laid on his side, focusing intently on the blank wall in front of him, and desperately trying to come up with every reason he could to stop loving Louis. It wasn't going well. In fact he had only managed to find more reasons to love him. He had only managed to fall harder than before and that terrified him. He mentally beat himself up for having no self control, but when it comes to love no one really has control. Louis was perfect, of that Harry was sure, so finding a flaw was literally impossible. Anything that resembled a flaw was too perfect in itself, adorable, and endearing, to be called a true flaw.

Harry groaned and rolled onto his back, lifting a pillow to press over his face as he let out a long sigh that ended in another loud groan. It was then that he heard the door click open and he sat up abruptly, the pillow falling to the side, to see who the intruder was. He knew Niall wasn't coming back, so who could this be? He watched suspiciously as the door just stood open for a moment, the brighter harsh light from the hallway pouring into his room. He blinked a few more times before a head of long brown hair poked itself around the door. His eyes went wide at the sight as he was met with his own smile beaming back at him.

"Gemma?" he asked dazedly. The girl smiled even bigger and bounded into the room, a giant teddy bear and a gaggle of balloons in tow. She rushed to his side and tossed the presents into the chair by the wall before throwing herself over her younger brother. She gripped him tightly and nestled her face into his shoulder for a moment. Harry didn't move, unable to believe what was really happening. How could she be here now? Finally he came to his senses and returned the hug, squeezing her tightly to his chest and letting a small whimper fall from his lips as tears blazed in his eyes.

"Hi, Harry." she said sweetly as she pulled back from him, far too soon for Harry's liking. They just stared for a few moments, neither sure of what to say. Harry was certain he had no family left at this point, all but forgotten by his older sister who once looked after him so fondly. But there she was; standing in front of him, smiling, and more grown up then he ever imagined her looking. The time away had obviously done amazing things for her. She had thinned out a bit, but with tone, she wasn't skeletal. Her skin was tinted with a bronze that made her seem to glow under the fluorescence of the hospital lighting. He hair was longer and deep brown, nearing on black, with subtle chocolate highlights throughout. She looked taller, though Harry was laying down, and all around she just looked... happy.

The thought made Harry's heart swell with pride for her as she scooted his legs over to collapse onto the bed next to him. She smiled at him again before she reached out to rub his leg loving. Harry relished the contact and closed his eyes briefly just to take it all in. He was still on the verge of tears in his disbelief.

"I was really hoping the next time I saw you it wouldn't be in a hospital." she said finally. Harry looked up at her through his heavy bangs and frowned his apology. "Although, I suppose if I came around more this may not have happened." Harry frowned again. He wasn't about to let her think this was her fault in any way. He was about to speak when she perked up and beamed at him again, nearly making him jump at the sudden change in demeanor. "So, how have you been? Other than... this, I mean." she gestured at him and the machines next to his bed. Harry let out a small laugh through his nose before shaking his head again.

"Okay. I guess. I mean I was happy for a while, I guess. I don't think it was real though, Gem. I think I was fooling myself into believing things were better then they were." Gemma pulled a confused face and slid up closer to Harry on the bed.

"Are you talking about mum? Have things gotten worse?"

"You haven't talked to her?" Gemma shook her head. "Wasn't she the one that told you I was here?" Gemma shook her head again. "Then, how did...?"

"Niall." she said simply with a fond smile. "He called me the other day when you were admitted and I wanted to come down that moment, I really did Harry, but I had exams at uni and I just couldn't afford to miss a single thing. I am so sorry. I should have been here as soon as I got the call. I could have asked to reschedule my exams. I'm sure they would have understood, family emergency and all." A guilty look flashed across her face and Harry felt his heart drop at her heartbroken expression. He reached his hand out to cover hers and grasped her fingers tightly. 

"Don't feel bad, Gem. I'm glad you stayed at school. I would have been mad if you had skipped out on exams on account of me, honestly. This whole thing was blown way out of proportion. I made a mistake and that's all it was. I promise." She smiled at him half heartedly and squeezed his hand in return. "To answer your question though, mum has gotten worse, but I haven't talked to her in a while. I moved out about a week ago and haven't talked to her at all since. I don't care to either." Gemma was taken aback by that confession and another line of confusion pulled at her face.

"You moved out? Where have you been staying?" Harry remained silent as he pulled his hand from hers. He glanced down from her eyes, unable to keep eye contact as the inevitable came to the surface. "Were you with Niall?" Harry pursed his lips and shook his head slightly. He glanced back up to see the quizzical look on his sister's face. He breathed a heavy sigh before answering.

"I was living with my boyfriend." His voice was smooth and robotic in a sense. He watched Gemma's face carefully for what her reaction would be. To his surprise a broad smile spread across her face.

"You have a boyfriend?" She asked excitedly as she poked her fingers into his side making him writhe on the bed. She smiled from ear to ear and grabbed his hand again, sliding impossibly closer to him so she was almost sitting on top of him. He was shocked at her reaction, seeing as the rest of his family didn't have quite the same reaction to him liking boys. "Is that what you meant when you said you were happy?" He blushed embarrassingly and nodded slightly before the smile dissolved from his lips and he shook his head instead.

"I had a boyfriend, but I don't think I do anymore." Gemma frowned and furrowed her brow.

"What do you mean? Did he do something to you?" Her face twisted in a look of horror. "Is that why you're in the hospital? Did he hurt you, Harry?" Her face had turned red and she looked furious, like she was ready to kill. Harry quickly shook his head and pulled her back closer to him from where she had moved, almost standing from his bed. She had risen as if she was ready to march out the door and hunt the boy down.

"No!" Harry said quickly, "He... he didn't do anything to me. Honestly." Gemma sat back down on the bed and scrutinized his face.

"Then, what happened? Why isn't he here?" Harry quickly pulled his hand away from her and closed in on himself, trying to disappear again. It was useless. This was his sister after all. "Was he abusive?" Harry shook his head. "Did he do anything to hurt you?" Harry shook his head again. "Did he make you do something you didn't want to? Like, you know... sexually?" she whispered the last bit as if she was embarrassed to even ask. Harry blushed at the implication but shook his head again. Gemma pursed her lips and thought for a moment as she stared Harry down, trying to read his face. Suddenly a light lit in her eyes. "Is his cock too small? Or, is it shaped funny?" A mischievous look spread across her face as she suppressed a laugh. Harry's eyes opened so wide they nearly fell out of his head.

"What? No! Why... what... why would you even ask that?" Harry stammered. Gemma just laughed and fell over him. Harry stared down at her in horror as she fell into fits before she finally caught her breath and sat upright again.

"I only ask because I dated this guy, Danny, you remember him?" Harry nodded slightly though he had almost no clue who she was talking about. "Well, he was perfect; sweet, gorgeous. He was an amazing kisser, but he had the weirdest willie I have ever seen! It was all, like bent to-" She was cut off by Harry leaping forward and cupping his hand over her mouth. He shook his head furiously and held tight.

"No offense, Gem, but I don't want to hear about your ex-boyfriend's ugly dick to be honest." She rolled her eyes but nodded and Harry released his hand. "Louis definitely didn't have any problems in that department, I can assure you. Even that part of him was impossibly perfect." Gemma nearly screamed at that statement, but managed to suppress it to a high pitched squeal.

"So, you slept with him? How was that?" She leaned forward in utter fascination. This was the first time they had ever talked about this subject and despite the fact that Harry was her brother she was all to eager to hear about it. "What did you do? Who bottomed? Did you give him head?" Harry's head fell back against his pillow in embarrassment.

"Gemma!" he kicked his legs wildly against the bed in protest to the question.

"Oh, come on! I'm just curious! I'm your older sister! Who the hell else are you going to talk about boys with?" Harry raised his head and stared at her for a moment before sighing and answering the question.

"I... well, I bottomed, but I don't want to hear any shit about that, okay?" Gemma pursed her lips and held up her hands. "And of course I sucked his dick. That's part of it isn't it?" Gemma let out a small laugh before raising her eyebrows, clearly wanting details. Harry sat silent for a moment before a sly smile crawled over his lips. "Apparently, I am pretty damn good at it too." He said coyly before Gemma burst into another fit of laughter.

"You'll have to give me some pointers sometime." she winked at him and they both fell apart; laughing so hard their sides hurt and tears were streaming down their cheeks. The laughter died down moments later and Gemma looked Harry squarely in the eye, suddenly very serious. "So, what happened then?" Harry stared blankly for a moment. "Between you two I mean. You said you didn't think you were together anymore. Why is that?"

Harry's eyes shot down to his hands which were now kneading into the soft blanket over his legs. He chewed at his lips and searched his brain for the best way to describe what had happened between them. 

"Louis is... well, Louis' prefect, you know?" Gemma shrugged and nodded for him to continue. "Like, he's beautiful, and funny, and so nice and generous and devoted. He knows everything that I have been through, but he still wants to help me. He still wants to be with me." Harry took a deep breath and finally brought his eyes up to meet Gemma's. "He still tells me he loves me." Gemma stared at him with wide-eyed anticipation, like she was waiting for some bomb to drop. But there was no explosion, no terror to let her in on why all of this was a bad thing.

"So... I'm sorry, what's the problem here? From everything you've told me I think I might need to find myself a 'Louis'." She laughed slightly and rubbed Harry's leg again affectionately.

"The problem," Harry began before the words he wanted to say got jumbled in his mouth, feeling thick around his tongue. He swallowed thickly and pushed himself to continue, trying to make the word vomit come out. "The problem is that he is too good for me. I don't deserve him. I never did to begin with and it all became painfully clear the more he found out about me and the more he was willing to push his own life aside just to help me, to focus on me. That isn't right, Gem. He's too good to be held back by me. He could have anything he wanted, be anything he desired and I am just holding him back. It took me so long to be intimate with him in any way, let alone sleeping with him. I was pretty drunk the one time we did and if I had been sober I don't know if I would have had the courage to go through with it. Not that I didn't want to, it isn't like that. But just, you know... I get self conscious around people. I don't want them to see too much of me, emotionally and especially not my body. To let my guard down like that around someone is a big deal, Gem, and I can't do it. I can't even though I love him. Even though he loves me, and I know he does. I still have to be all fucked up just to really let him in and Louis certainly doesn't deserve that. He told me he was willing to wait for me, for everything, but he shouldn't have to. He should have someone that is willing to do everything with him without hesitation. Someone normal. That just isn't me. He's perfect and I'm fucked. We can never work in the end, right?"

Gemma stared blankly at him as he let the words fall, all the while his eyes turning more and more red as she saw them shine with tears she knew he was desperately trying to hold back. She didn't know what to say. If only from the fact that, despite his obvious problems, she had always thought that Harry was perfect. He was kind, he was funny, he was devoted, he was beautiful, even if she was slightly biased. All the things he loved about Louis he possessed as well, but obviously he didn't see those qualities reflected in himself at all. These were the very reason she loved her little brother so much. Not just because they were siblings and 'had to get along', but because she truly did love him for everything he was. Even if he wasn't able to show those things to many people, it only made him more special in Gemma's eyes.

Harry's eyes burned as he searched Gemma's for a response to everything he had unleashed. The tears that threatened to fall were beginning to do just that as he gave up any effort to keep them at bay. Gemma immediately leapt forward and held him tightly around the shoulders. She buried her head against his shoulder and squeezed him tighter as his arms snaked around her waist.

"You're perfect, Harry. Whether you believe it or not, it's true. I'm not just saying that because I am your sister, either." She reached her hand up and tugged lightly on the curls at the nape of his neck before winding her fingers into them and scratching lightly at his scalp, something she knew would calm him, it had since they were young. Even before his hair had been curly and overly voluminous. "You care about people, Harry. You're funny and beautiful and you deserve everything. Even someone as perfect as Louis sounds like he is. And everything you've been through... Harry, all that stuff only makes you better. You're stronger than most people twice your age, more experienced with pain and grief. I know you see that as a short coming but it's not. It makes you who you are. You may be reserved, but when you do open up you have so much to share. So much more than you let yourself think. You're smarter than you let on too, we all know that. If Louis says he'll wait for you then he obviously has his reasons. He obviously really cares about you and for some reason you see that as a bad thing, but I think it is an amazing thing! He loves you and you love him. Stop being such a baby and let yourself be in love. Don't question his motives for wanting his world to revolve around you. He's just trying to be a good boyfriend and look out for you when no one else will. Louis is just what you need now so stop being a twat and accept it!"

Gemma flicked Harry on the nose and giggled at his appalled expression. A moment later he was laughing though, as he wiped at the tears on his face. Harry looked down at his sister with a forced smile. He didn't quite believe what she said and it hadn't been nearly enough, even she knew that, but maybe some of it was right. Maybe Louis was what he needed now and he should just accept it. Maybe he should stop worrying after Louis so much and let him care for Harry the way that he wanted to. Maybe Harry should stop being such a baby and feeling sorry for himself. He was nearly an adult now and he was in a relationship, a real relationship, and that always required a bit of sacrifice. Louis was making that sacrifice for Harry and he had done nothing but make them both feel like shit about it. Harry took a deep breath and hugged Gemma tighter for a moment before she pushed off of him and sat up beside him again.

"So, my baby brother takes it like a bitch then, huh?" Harry groaned and pushed her clear off the bed, where she collapsed on the floor into a heap of laughter.

 

_________________________

 

They had talked for nearly another hour after that, catching up on everything as Gemma relayed stories about school and Harry about Louis. They spent a good amount of time gushing over pics of Louis that Harry had saved on his phone and Gemma agreed that he was 'probably the most beautiful man' she had ever seen. She then spent another few minutes lamenting about how all the good ones were gay and no guy she had met yet at uni had come close to his beauty. 

Finally, despite both of their protests it was time for her to go, visiting hours were over. Harry happily got out of his bed and walked her to the entrance a little way down the hall from his room, their fingers joined together as they felt the bond that had been nearly forgotten rekindled. How Harry could have ever thought she didn't love him anymore he couldn't fathom at this point. It was like no time had passed at all since they were last together. She bid him farewell at the door and kissed him tenderly on both cheeks before ruffling his hair and disappearing through the door. He stared after her for a moment with a broad smile on his face before turning on his heel and practically skipping back down the hall. He stopped for a moment to chat up Shelly, the night nurse on duty which he had grown quite fond of during his stay. She gushed over how adorable he and his sister had been and how she was glad to see him so cheerful finally. He said his goodnights to her and once again headed down the hall. He was nearly to his room when a loud commotion made him freeze his steps.

He whirled around to see the emergency doors sliding open as a fleet of doctors and nurses circled around a gurney spouting off medical jargon he barely understood. He watched for a moment longer taken in by the scene before him. There was blood, lots of it, on the doctors, the nurses and even more on the gurney. The sight was enough to make his stomach turn. He was about ready to turn back to his room when something caught his attention and made his stomach drop.

"Patient's name is Louis Tomlinson. Severe head trauma, possible brain injury..." they disappeared through another set of doors and their voices were cut off, but Harry had just enough time to catch a glimpse of Louis' unconscious face almost completely lost beneath a smattering of crimson red. Harry felt his heart stop in his chest and a tightening pain embed itself there. His breath caught short and he felt his knees go weak under him. He clutched to the wall for support as his brain swirled with a million thoughts and questions. He tried to convince himself it was all a dream, that he would wake up any second in a cold sweat, but it never happened.

He pushed himself off of the wall with a new determination and bolted across the small waiting room to the doors they had taken Louis through just a moment ago. The doors slid open upon his approach and he barely registered the protests of Shelly as ran through into the awaiting hallway before him. His head swiveled back and forth as he peered into every room he was met with. He heard a loud commotion from the end of the hall and ran straight toward it. The voices became louder as he approached and he peered into the room before him.There was a flourish of people around the still body as the incessant beep of the heart monitor sped faster and faster. Harry clung to the door frame, his knuckles white, as tears fled from his eyes. His mind was blank as he watched, numb to what was happening in front of him. Suddenly the beeping stopped and it whirred into a long high pitched tone.

"He's gone into cardiac arrest." he heard one of the nurses say and his stomach gave an uneasy lurch. The tears came faster and his mind kicked into action again as he watched everyone step back from the bed at once and paddles were brought down on Louis' chest. He watched as Louis arched off of the bed and fell back once again. He heard the tone continue as the doctor moved over him to shock him once more. 

"No." Harry whispered as he watched in horror. His knees gave out and he fell to the floor in the doorway. "No, Louis! Please come back." His breath hitched and he coughed on the tears that had fallen into his mouth. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry! Please, Louis! I need you." It was in that moment that Harry realized as much as he would never understand their relationship, he knew it was all he needed. It was the only way he could survive. He couldn't go on without Louis. 

For a third time he watched Louis' body rise off the bed and fall again.

"We only have one more chance here. Come on, kid." he heard the doctor say. Harry raised himself onto his knees and peered further into the room. This couldn't be it. This couldn't be the end. Not now. Not when Harry hadn't even had a chance to say-

"I love you, Louis." Harry clenched his eyes shut and waited while he heard the small snap off the defibrillator again. The world seemed to stop and he muttered under his breath, "I love you. I love you. I love you..." He was frozen in time as the one he loved laid dying before him. He cursed himself for the last few days. For thinking that he didn't deserve Louis. It didn't matter if he thought so. Louis was all that mattered, and Louis wanted him. He hated himself intensely for not seeing it before. For letting himself be so selfish as to walk out of their home and nearly kill himself over the fact that Louis had only wanted to be closer to him, to be intimate with the person he loved. Harry was a child. Harry was stupid. He saw this now and wished he could take it all back. He just wanted to hold Louis again, to kiss him, to tell him what he meant to him. To say that he was sorry.

A loud series of beeps pulled him back to reality and set the world spinning again. There was a relieved sigh from the room in front of him before the stillness was taken over again by their frantic efforts to keep that from happening again. They were once again throwing out words that Harry couldn't discern, but he couldn't be bothered to even care. All he cared about was that Louis' heart monitor was beeping again.  The green line peaking and falling in a normal fashion and he could see Louis' chest heaving as his body took unsteady breaths. Harry turned away from the room and pressed his back to the wall. He hugged his knees to his chest and let his head fall back. More tears burned his face as he whispered a prayer and allowed a small smile to play at his lips. 

Harry was never going to leave Louis' side again, of that he was resolutely sure. He only hoped Louis would be able to forgive him.    

 

 


	21. Chapter Twenty-One

 

"I can't give you that information, Harry. You know that." Shelly stated plainly. Harry groaned and pulled at his curls incessantly, irritated beyond belief with the nurse that stood before him.

"Come on Shelly! I'm not some random off the street! You know me, and Louis is my boyfriend! Please, I just want to know if he is okay. What happened to him!" Harry slammed his fist down on her small counter, not meaning to get so upset over it, but he had been begging for even the tiniest scrap of information ever since he was dragged kicking and screaming from Louis' doorway the night before. He had waited patiently in his room till Shelly arrived that night, sure that she would give him something seeing as they had formed some semblance of a relationship during his short stay. So far his efforts had been less than fruitful though. Shelly merely shot him a dirty look in response to his slamming fist and sighed heavily.

"I'm sorry, Harry, I really am, but there is nothing that I can do. Unless you're blood related or listed on his emergency contact chart, which, clearly, you aren't I can't give you any information. I could lose my job!" Harry groaned and let out a pathetic whimper before throwing his head back dramatically and running his fingers through his thick curls. 

"Can you please just tell me that's he's okay?" Harry asked heavily, dropping his head in defeat. "`I don't need any specific information. Just tell me that he will be alright, please." Harry couldn't help the desperation that seeped into his voice, but since he had left Louis last night he had no idea what had happened in that room. He had already seen him near death once and didn't want to think what had happened in the hours they had been apart now. Shelly let out a heavy sigh and crossed her arms over her chest and held Harry's gaze sternly. 

"I can't tell you that he is alright." she leaned into the words a little almost as if it was a hint at something. Something Harry couldn't figure out.

"Please, just... if he's okay just tell me he's fine. If he's dying then just say so! I'm his boyfriend and I'll find out either way, just save us both some time and grief and tell me." Shelly sighed again and leaned over onto the counter, bracing herself with her arms. She looked pointedly at Harry once more.

"I. Can't. Tell. You. He's. Alright." She emphasized each word with a small nod of her head. Harry had no clue what she was trying to hint at. Just  saying the words more pointedly wasn't about to make him not want the information he so desperately craved, needed, at this point. He searched her face as she raised her eyebrows and nodded at him again. His mind raked over the way the words fell, the emphasis with which she spoke each individual word. Then finally something clicked, something dreadful.

"You mean... he isn't okay?" Harry scanned the nearly empty room to make sure no one was eavesdropping on their conversation. He really didn't want to get Shelly in trouble, but for his own sanity, perhaps to save his own life, he had to know what was going on in that room where Louis laid nearly lifeless on a bed. Shelly merely nodded. Harry's heart sank and he felt his throat go dry, closing off his airway and making him almost choke for breath.

"Honestly," Shelly leaned forward and lowered her voice so Harry could nearly hear it from the mere inches between them, "I don't know what will happen to him. At this point it's all a waiting game." 

"Waiting? Waiting for what?" Harry was frantic.

"With head injury like his there is always a risk of brain trauma afterward, even if the initial injury isn't that bad. He had a lot of bleeding inside his skull and that can do terrible things to your brain. Now, from what I understand, as is usually the way with these things, they have him in an induced coma till they can figure out just how much damage was done." she explained calmly and steadily."Worst case scenario?" Harry didn't want to know, really, but he had to ask so he knew what to be prepared to if- no, when- Louis woke up.

"Hard to say at this point. Anything from mild memory loss to full on brain damage which could wipe a lot of his memory or leave him virtually unresponsive forever." Harry wasn't prepared for that. How could he be? He felt his knees shake and his eyes began to burn. He fought hard to keep himself from breaking down, but that was all useless. The tears came against his will and Shelly immediately came around her station to comfort him, pulling him into a tight hug. "This is why you shouldn't know this yet , Harry. It will only hinder your own recovery. You can't worry about him, you need to focus on getting better." Harry pushed her away, nearly offended by what she had just said.

"He was my only reason for getting better! I didn't see it at first, but it's true. He's all I want! The only reason I still have to live and now... now... he might not even remember me?" his eyes went wide and he gasped as his brain caught up to what that would mean. Harry could just be another face to him when he woke up. He would have to fight to win Louis back and he wasn't sure he would have the strength. What if Louis didn't want him back once he had a clean slate to start over with?

Harry pushed away from Shelly and didn't hear what she said next as he turned to head back to his room. He staggered forward, his head was light and pounding, but he pushed forward. He ignored the churning in his gut and the weakness in his legs as he fell through the swinging doors that lead to his room. The world before him spun and he thought for sure he was caught in a dream. A nightmare, rather, and he hoped that was the case. He raced toward his room wanting to curl up and throw the blanket over his head and wake up to a world where Louis was fine and they were fine and everything would work out. Harry knew that wasn't going to happen and as it was, he was so dizzy he couldn't find his room. Though he had only been there a couple days his body knew instinctively where his room was, but now he was lost in a long white, brightly lit hall that felt cold and unfamiliar. 

He swayed on his feet and clutched at the wall for support. He gulped for breath and used the wall to guide his movements down the long hall. For a moment he stood in an open doorway and watched some random person sleep before his mind caught up to what he was doing and realized this wasn't his room. He turned away from the random sleeper and continued down the hall. Finally he stumbled into an empty room he knew must be his and collapsed onto the bed with a heavy sigh and a loud sob. Tears streaked his face and he pulled his pillow toward his chest to cuddle it. He grasped at it desperately, willing it to hug him back. He didn't need to cuddle, he needed to be cuddled and he only wanted one person to do that; Louis. The same Louis that was somewhere between life and death a couple of halls away. The same Louis that might not remember or love Harry when he woke up. 

The thought choked another sob from Harry and his chest tightened to an uncomfortable point. To a point where he thought he might need to be revived by that terrible electrifying machine they had used on Louis the night before. The image of Louis being electrocuted on that bed, his back arching, the terrible sound it made, the thoughts that had raced through his mind; they all rushed back on Harry like a crashing wave. He couldn't breath, the weight of losing Louis crushing down on him.

Then it really hit him. Would it be worse if Louis died or if he lived and didn't remember Harry? Sure, it was a selfish thought. Of course he wanted Louis to live, but would it be harder for Harry to deal with life with Louis dead, or with Louis alive and well and not wanting him anymore. Either way Harry knew it would only be a short step to his own end. If Louis was dead, he would be too. If he didn't exist to Louis then he wouldn't exist to anyone else. His whole life, literally, depended on what happened to Louis from here on out. The only thing that could save him now was Louis remembering him and having the chance to make things right. He had fucked it all up, to a royal degree, and he had no idea how to make it up to Louis.

Harry let out a loud groan, verging on a pure scream, before hurling the pillow at the wall next to him. It landed on the floor without a sound. He followed its movements before his eyes landed on the oversized stuffed bear Gemma had brought for him. He sat up quickly and leapt form his bed to retrieve it. He snatched it from the chair where it sat and he pulled it close to him, breathing in the scent that held nothing comforting or familiar. He groaned at that and suddenly had a thought. 

He leapt across the room to the small cupboard he was afforded by the hospital. He tore the doors open and rummaged through the few things Niall had brought for him. A few articles of clothing, some magazines (Harry never read magazines), his phone, which he had failed to look at since he got to the hospital, and his cologne. He pulled the small bottle from his bag. He turned it over in his hand, now thinking his idea was stupid and pathetic. He shrugged the thought off and went with his instinct. He spritz at the bear in his hands a few times before smelling it again. It now held a familiar and comforting smell that was purely Harry. He smiled at the bear in his arms and set off to achieve the second part of his mission.

He made his way quickly down the hall again and peered into the small lobby to see where Shelly was. He glanced around before seeing her slumped against the wall on the phone, her back to Harry. He crept forward though the door, trying to stay as small as possible as he crept across the room, the bear clutched in his hands. As the doors to the emergency unit center came within feet of him he sped up. He ran at a quick but quiet pace till he was at the large doors. With one final glance around he pushed forward and tumbled through the doors. He braced the door behind him from swinging too obviously, and when it had halted in its movement he breathed a heavy sigh and pushed forward toward the room where he knew Louis was lying.  

His feet felt like lead as he pushed forward. He tried not to think about the worst case scenario and tried to brace himself for what he might see when he rounded into the room. He stopped several feet from the doorway and for a moment he thought about running, about dropping the bear and running clear into the night. He wanted to keep running till he was lost and could never be found. Till he couldn't feel his legs or his body, till his muscles burned and his body ached. He wanted to run till he collapsed onto the ground, ready to give up.But he couldn't. He couldn't leave Louis again. Not like this, not when he really needed him. He had done that once and he vowed to never do it again. Until Louis was better, until he knew that Louis didn't want him, he would be by his side. With this in mind he pushed forward and rounded into the room in front of him. His eyes were clenched shut and all he heard was the slight, steady beep of the heart monitor that Louis was hooked to.

Harry pried his eyes open and glanced down at Louis. His mouth fell open and tears formed behind his eyes. Louis laid still before him, more still than he had ever seen. There was dark bruising along his hair line where Harry guessed the blood had seeped in his skull. There was a white bandage wrapped from the back of his head and he was deathly pale. his breathing was steady and shallow, but he was breathing at least. Harry had never seen him look so frail and pale. It was almost like he wasn't looking at his own boyfriend, if he could call him that anymore, but some kind of impostor who could never capture the glow and joy that was Louis Tomlinson.

Then Harry's eyes landed on Louis' face and there was no doubt it was him. Though the face was cold and lifeless it was undeniable that it was the face Harry had fallen for those few months ago. His perfect cheekbones, his soft pink lips, the long eyelashes that curled and rested against his cheeks, they were all exactly as Harry had memorized them to be.

He moved form the doorway finally and crossed the small distance between them. He set the bear gently in the chair next to Louis' bed and took a deep, unsteady breath. Looking down at the cold, lifeless body before him he couldn't help the thick tears that began to fall, again. This bright and beautiful boy, so full of life and love, joy and laughter, a true light in the word, was now dark and still. It seemed so wrong to Harry. It _was_ all wrong. He shouldn't be still. He shouldn't be pale and porcelain looking, so fragile. He was strong and defiant. He was the rock that supported Harry though everything. He was the thing that saved Harry's life and would continue to do so as long as he was breathing.

Harry immediately cursed himself in the worst way for the thoughts he had earlier. Even if Louis didn't remember or love him anymore, he could never wish he was dead. That wouldn't be easier for Harry, and it wouldn't be easier for the world who was yet to know what Louis had in store for it. Harry choked back a sob and moved closer to the bed. He lifted his hand slowly and reached out to touch Louis' face. His hand lingered just an inch from his flawless skin as he took in another heavy breath. Finally, with great determination, he touched his fingers to Louis' cheek. His skin was cold and unforgiving under Harry's touch, but Harry didn't care. The feeling let him know that Louis was there, that this was real, and that's all that mattered.

He ran his fingers over every line on his face, making sure everything was as he had memorized it to be; it was. This really was Louis, no matter how alien he looked now. Harry reached up to brush the stray hairs from Louis forehead and he ran his fingers through Louis' hair to set it into place the way he knew Louis liked it. Just because he was in a coma was no reason for him to not look his best. Harry spent a few minutes pulling at random strands and sweeping it this way and that till it looked as close as he could manage to its usual feathered flair.

"There, now you're perfect." Harry whispered as he ran his fingers across his cheek once more. "You're always perfect though. Even with a bandage around your head. Have I ever told you that before? That you're perfect? Because you are Louis. You're too perfect at times, and that frightens me, because I know I'm not perfect. No where near it, but I try. I try so hard for you." More tears built behind Harry's eyes as his voice rose in tone, trying to fight the deluge that was coming. "I know it's never quite enough, and maybe it never will be, but that is my own insecurities. I see that now. I see it now and it's too late. You don't care whether I'm perfect. You just care that I'm me, and I don't understand that, but I want you to know that I'm trying. I'm trying to understand what we have. I'm trying to accept it, and myself." He bit his lip and let a few tears fall and sting his cheeks. 

"I love you Louis. I love you more than anything in my life, ever. I'm sorry that I fucked it all up. That I got scared and ran and... I'm sorry. This should never have happened. It's all my fault and I'll live with that forever, whether you still love me or not. I never should have left. I should have stayed with you and talked through this, but I was stupid and my instincts took over, as they always do. The questions I had outweighed the rationality and I ran. It was so stupid. God! I was so stupid to leave you." Harry reached down and gripped Louis' hand in his own. He curled their fingers together and rubbed circles into Louis' hand. "But I'll never leave you again, okay? Not until you tell me to. Even then I'll still fight. Do you hear me? I'm not giving up. I never will. I'll hold on till the very end, till we're both dead and buried. Because, it's us; it's Hazza and Boobear. Nothing can change that. Nothing will. I love you, Louis Tomlinson. If you can hear me... I'm sure you can't... but if you can, that's all you need to know.

Harry leaned down to rest his lips gently against Louis cheeks. He pushed them out and let a simple kiss linger for a moment before he pulled back and moved his lips to Louis' ear.

"I love you, Louis. I love you, I love you." He whispered as he pressed more small kisses to his ear and cheek. Finally he pulled back a bit and looked down at Louis' soft, pale lips. Was it creepy that he kissed him then? Was it weird he was kissing someone who was practically lifeless? Harry didn't care. He formed his lips to Louis' and pressed hard. He sat still for a moment there before parting his own lips slightly to pull Louis' into his mouth. He sucked on them lightly and ran his tongue timidly across them. In some secret way he was hoping he could wake the sleeping boy, like in a fairy-tale. But it didn't happen.

After a moment he pulled back, not in the least bit ashamed of what he had just done, and looked down on Louis once more.

"I love you till the end of time." He whispered once more before loud footsteps in the hall pulled him from his reverie. The night doctor was making his rounds and Harry had to leave. He clutched at Louis for a moment longer before he stood fully from his place beside the bed. He glanced at the bear he had brought with and pulled it from the chair again. He took a long, deep smell and it still had his perfect scent. He nuzzled it for a moment and held it tightly to him. He hesitated for a moment before kissing it on the nose and setting it back down again.

"Louis, I can't stay... I wish I could, you have no idea how much I want to be here with you." He glanced at the door as footsteps came ever closer. "I'm leaving this bear with you... it's stupid, I know, and I'm sure you'd think I was being ridiculous, but I'm leaving it to watch over you while I'm gone. It even smells like me." Harry smiled and ran a deft hand through Louis' hair once more. "I love you. Sleep well, and if you dream, dream of me tonight." Harry smiled at the 'West Side Story' reference and chuckled slightly at the snide retort he knew Louis would make at that sentiment, at this whole situation really, but Harry meant it all. 

He pushed back from the bed and shot a stern look toward the bear as if to say, 'keep him safe or I'll murder you', and crossed the room to the door. He knew it was stupid but with that bear there he thought maybe Louis wouldn't feel so alone. He glanced back to the bed once more and smiled at his boyfriend, blowing him a small kiss and ducking out through the door when he was sure no one would see. 

That night he slept in his own room, but it was the last night he would spend there.

 

 


	22. Chapter Twenty-Two

 

The room was pitch black and hot. Harry felt lean fingers curl around his wrists, held above his head. He felt hot breath on his neck and a bead of sweat trickle down his bare chest. He turned his head round from side to side but saw nothing in the suffocating black around him. He felt a weight lay across his chest, and soft sweaty skin make contact with his own. He felt soft lips press against his collar bone before nipping gently at him. He bucked up instinctively with his hips and felt his own throbbing erection make contact with another. He groaned for a second at the sensation before letting his eyes bolt open widely.

"Louis?" Harry let the name fall from his lips. "Babe, is it you?" He was only met with a small grunt in his ear. It wasn't enough to convince him that his hazarded guess was correct. He wanted to free his hands from their hold and touch the body above him. Feel the memorized lines of Louis' anatomy, but the grip that held him in place was firm. 

He twisted uncomfortably below the body on top of him. The only response was a tightening on his wrist that Harry was sure would leave bruises or worse. He chuckled for a second, hot and airy before another harsh bite on his side made him yelp. That was too hard to be kinky anymore.

"Louis, what's gotten into you babe?" Harry again tried to wriggle free. "A little rough I like, but that last one really hurt, Lou." A small whimpering in his ear and a lift in the weight above him made his stomach clench. "No, babe. It's fine, just not so hard, yeah?" He felt a nod from the mass above him and then another bite on his neck. He felt the teeth graze his skin, a tongue trailing along with them. The sensation sent chills through his spine, to his curling toes and back up to settle in the pit of his stomach. "Yes." He breathed out slowly, "Just like that babe... God, so good, Lou. You're so fucking good."

The teeth moved further down his neck before sinking into his skin again, with more intent this time. He nearly screamed as the teeth broke skin and he felt the power of a jaw closing on his flesh. He squirmed mercilessly, trying to free himself, but it only made it worse. The clenching tightened, holding him into place with just a firmly shut jaw. Harry yelped again when the teeth were finally pulled from his flesh. He felt the hot trickle of blood slowly leave the wound. 

"Fuck, Lou! That's not funny. That really bloody hurt! Can we stop now, please? This isn't fun anymore. You're being a fucking prick." He felt the fingers fall from their death grip on his wrist. Harry quickly tried to pull his hands down, but found they were somehow bound with a thick piece of twine and secured to the headboard. "What- when did you tie me up, Lou?" There was no answer, and as Harry looked down over his body there was no sign of anyone in the pitch of the room. "Louis? Louis, please! Untie me!" He waited, holding his breath in his chest, waiting for any sign that someone was still with him. "Louis, you're really freaking me out, love. Just untie me, yeah? I'm not mad, just- let me go, please." Harry's voice was starting to falter, wracked with worry.

Suddenly, he felt warm hands on the insides of his thigh and he startled, pulling away from the touch. The hands only pulled him back down onto the bed and stroked at his sides affectionately. Harry slowly sunk into the touch as kisses fell across his inner thigh. The hands were back between him and prying his legs apart with a determined force. Harry didn't put up much fight, hoping that Louis knew what he was doing before wasn't what Harry liked, but he couldn't fault Louis for wanting to experiment, discover his fetishes as it were, with the boy he loved. Harry just wished he would have asked first. He would have been more into it as a willing participant, he mused.

Harry was smiling to himself slightly when he felt cool, strong fingers meet with his tight entrance. He hummed low in his throat, almost guttural, as the fingers softly rubbed at him, circling and teasing without ever entering in the least. Just when he was getting worked up again, bucking and grinding against the faint touch, begging for more with his body, the touch fell away and he felt frighteningly alone again. Sweaty and needy, open, legs splayed widely, and cock throbbing against his stomach, hot and full, leaking beads of pre-cum over his stomach.

"Louis? Babe? Where did you-" Harry was cut short by the feeling of hands on his legs again. This time behind his knees as his legs were forced open wider and pushed toward his chest. He gasped as he was stretched, his legs not used to being so wide and the hands only pushed them further apart till he was nearly fully open. He squirmed and whimpered, pleading. "Lou- don't- I can't do that. I'm not that fucking- flexible." There was no relenting as he felt the burn of the stretch across his thighs and groin. The hands held him there firmly and Harry sank back, breathing through the pain, willing it to subside. It did. A little. Maybe? Not really.

Then without warning he felt something hot, throbbing and hard at his entrance. He was about to mention a little prep before he was being taken completely. No prep. No lube. No condom. He was empty then full in a matter of a second and he felt slim hips collide with the underside of his thighs. He opened his mouth, letting out a loud groan of pain that erupted from somewhere deep inside him. His body was shaking and his eyes were clenched tight, tears building and falling quickly, silently. He let out one huge, heaving breath.

"Take it out, Lou!" There was no movement. "Fuck- Louis- Lou- please I can't... fuck!" He bit his lip so hard he tasted metallic on his tongue. "Please! It's just... too much." He clenched his fist around the twine tied to his wrists and bit back another groan as his legs began to shake violently again. The pain of his legs being stretched and his arse being filled so thoroughly without warning was too much for him to handle. He saw stars behind his eyes and he was sure he may suddenly pass out from the pain when a gentle hand fell on his face and a lulling shushing came from above. 

He choked back tears and finally let his body relax slightly, struggling to get used to the pain. Another hand fell on his chest and rubbed soothing circles before caressing one of his nipples, rolling it gently between fingers and flicking it lightly till it was rigid and sensitive. He felt a hot tongue fall over it and lips gently suck at it till he was moaning in pleasure, his other pain nearly forgotten. 'Something Louis was always good at', Harry mused absently and he felt teeth graze ever too harshly over the nipple before moving down his stomach once more. 

A moment later all the pain returned when Harry felt movement above him. He felt something slide in an obscene way between his legs and then  a jolt as hips slammed back into his thighs. It took a moment of seeing stars for Harry to realize he was being fucked, rough, fast, and confidently unforgiving. He bit back a cry as he was torn open, clenching to the twine again. He rode out the pain as hands fell on his legs once more, pushing his legs apart again, allowing for deeper penetration. Harry clenched his eyes, trying to focus on the pleasure, weeding out the good bits between all the intense and terrifying pain.

A slight shift below him had Harry gasping and desperate as a new angle allowed him to be hit in all the right places. The pain was quickly falling away to pure pleasure as his cock strained even more, completely swollen and begging for attention. He groaned and thrust his hips up, hoping Louis would get the hint, but no relief came. Only the unrelenting, heavy thrusts between his legs. He whined and squirmed and bit his lip but nothing changed. He began trying to buck and rub his tender head against his own stomach just to get some friction where he needed it and for a moment it was bliss until a hand wrapped firmly, too firmly, around the base of his cock, pulling it away from his stomach. 

"No! Please, please! I just- I need it! It hurts, Lou!" He was in a complete state now, panting, sweaty, thrashing, rubbing his wrists raw in their confines, but it was no good. No relief would come to him, not like that anyhow. He was still panting when the thrusts inside him became more deliberate, slamming into his prostate over and over again before being dragged out slowly, purposefully, causing Harry's whole body to shake with a pleasure he had never experienced, never even fathomed existed, in his whole life. He bit back a groan that came anyway and bore his hips down to meet the thrusts he was taking.

It wasn't long before he felt a tightening in his stomach and a tingling that started at the tips of his toes. He curled and contorted them wickedly in his pleasure. His legs began to shake rapidly, as did his hands as he felt his climax building.

"Lou- I think... Oh, God- babe I'm gunna... fuck." Harry swallowed thickly and took the tightening grip on his dick as permission before letting everything go. His body shook violently with small tremors and his head flew back. He let out a groan that was more of a drawn out shout and let his head fall to the side before taking the skin of his arm between his teeth. With one more low groan he felt his whole body go tense and his hips jerk. He felt a spurt of hot fluid land across his cheek, causing him to flinch and clench his eyes tighter, before several more ribbons of his cum landed across his chest and stomach, the force of each shot causing him to rut and buck at the air violently. Everything was too intense, his vision went white and he felt hot tears fall from his eyes. His body was hot, sweaty and spent. He was drained of everything he had, taken away by the massive eruption, spilling what felt like pints over his whole torso. He had never cum so hard in his life.

Before he had any time to recover he was being fucked even harder then before, this time with clearly no regard for his comfort or pleasure. His insides were sensitive, raw, torn, and it was too much for him right now. He held back the urge to scream and fell into quiet sobs as he let his body be used. Another minute and he felt a twitching inside him, followed by the overwhelming and unusual sensation of hot fluid filling him inside. There was a loud huff of breath somewhere above him as hips jerked sporadically against him. Another minute and he was left empty and sore, raw and used, loose and dripping. Completely humiliated. 

He heard an odd snap and a saw flash of light came from the end of the bed. He peered through heavy, sweat soaked bangs, trying helplessly to flick them out of his eyes. The distinct smell of sulfur tickled his nose, then... something else. Tobacco?

"Louis? When did you start smoking? Have I been that bad of an influence on you?" Harry laughed briefly but there was no response of any kind. He fidgeted on the bed, sticky, hot and miserable, his own spunk mingling with his sweat and trickling slowly from his body and face. His arms were numb and tingling and his fingers were burning slightly from their prolonged lack of blood. He twisted his wrists again trying to free himself to no avail. "Louis, please untie me, yeah? I don't want to have to get my fingers amputated or summat... Louis?"

There was again no response, but he saw the figure at the end of the bed turn toward him and lean in a little. Harry smiled as the mass leaned over him and hovered just above his face. Harry leaned up to kiss him but he couldn't quite reach. He huffed and settled back against the pillows.

"Tease, you." Silence. "That was... well, that was one hell of an orgasm!" Harry said with a cheeky laugh. "So, thanks for that, love." He was only met with a puff of smoke in his face and he coughed through it. "Louis, you bastard. What the fuck-?"

The mass leaned closer and Harry watched as the cigarette was drawn between them. He heard wet lips part and a slow inhale followed by the cracking of burning tobacco. The end of the fag lit brightly in his face illuminating a small distance in front of him for the first time. He looked up longingly for those comforting blue eyes, but was met with something else entirely. Something that filled him with dread. 

In the putrid, low glow his eyes flashed over deep hazel-brown eyes and up to a slightly drooping black quiff that could only belong to one person. Harry took in a long breath and watched as the lips parted from the cigarette and curled upward in a wicked smirk at the recognized horror in Harry's eyes.

"Zayn!"

 

\------------

 

Harry entered reality with a violent sob and a sharp in take of air that burned at his lungs and left him gasping. His whole body was shaking and was covered in a shimmering layer of sweat. His body ached with the soreness of what happened even though his mind had finally caught on that it was just a dream. Harry didn't grasp onto this knowledge fully though and spun wildly in his chair. The room was nearly dark like before, but cold and unfriendly this time. He peered through the faint light and made out a bed in front of him, a slowly rising and falling chest, and finally the faint outline of the profile he knew all to well.

"Louis-" Harry gasped and hurled himself into the bed, his body covering the unconscious boy that lay beneath him. He sobbed loudly in his neck and clutch at his hospital gown frantically. Angrily he balled his fist in the material and cursed out loud. "Louis!" he groped at Louis' limp arms, pulling them toward, wrapping them around his back, and willing them to clutch back. To stay put and pull him into a tight and saving embrace. He sputtered and cried louder as his frustration grew. 

"Please, Louis?" I need you right now! Please! Just tell me you love me! Tell me everything will be okay!" He was delirious and trembling, hot as rage tore through him. "Kiss me, please, Lou-" He leaned down fully and planted his lips on Louis'. Moving them fiercely and willing Louis with his whole mind and body to respond, to kiss him back.

Harry pulled away with a frustrated grunt and pulled himself up on his arms. Tears fell from his eyes and landed gently on Louis' soft pink cheeks. Harry watched as one slowly rolled across his sharp cheek bone and stuttered down the side of his face, another following along the line of his nose and resting on his top lip before trailing along it and disappearing into the corner of his mouth.The serene and innocent look on Louis face, still and sleeping before Harry, made him cry even harder. 

"Oh, Louis! I'm so sorry! I'm- I'm such a fucking asshole. I'm such a perve! How- how could I do this to you when you're-" Harry broke off and immediately felt his stomach lurch. He hurled himself from the bad and steadied himself against the wall next to the door. He hung his head and spread his feet wide in case he got sick, wanting to avoid his shoes this time. He took steady, deep breaths for a moment before everything settled around him. 

He flopped miserably back into his chair at Louis' side and hung his head. He pulled incessantly at his hair till his scalp was burning and raw. He sat up and moved on to rubbing his palms vigorously over his thighs, feeling the pilling and wearing denim beneath his touch. Harry looked down and pulled his hands away. The black denim was rubbed nearly white in an oblong shape on either of his legs, the product of many hours of wear over the last couple of days. He pulled his hands fully away in disgust and saw that his fingers were shaking. He watched them intently and willed them to stop, but they wouldn't. 

He opted for sitting on them to keep them steady, but an incessant need to keep moving sent him rocking back and forth in the chair. What the hell was wrong with him? He glanced nervously around the room until his eyes fell on a large white medical cabinet on the wall opposite him. He stopped rocking immediately as a dark thought flashed across his mind.

Withdrawal.

Harry began rocking again as thoughts of, 'pills', and 'weed', and 'alcohol' filled his head. He began chewing his lip roughly, puling it between his teeth and clenching hard before ripping it free again.

"No." he heard himself whisper. He took a deep, clearing breath and closed his eyes. "No, Harry. You're fine. You don't need any of it. You have to stop. Louis needs you, yeah?" Harry nodded at his own question before taking in another long slow breath. He stayed in his serene state for a moment before opening his eyes again. They immediately fell on that white cabinet and the sight set him rocking again.

"There's probably nothing in it anyway." He tried to convince himself. "This is a bloody hospital! Not a drug emporium, they lock that shit up here." He laughed to himself and felt at ease for a moment, dropping his eyes to Louis' sleeping face. His eyes inevitably clawed there way back across the room and Harry released a hand from beneath him and ran it shakily through his hair. 

"There's no harm in looking then is there? Just for sheer curiosity. Probably just bandages and plasters and the like, yeah?" Harry had convinced himself taking a peek wasn't such a terrible idea and raised himself from the chair. He steadied to his feet and took two steps forward. He blinked in the dim light again and thought for a moment of glancing back at Louis, but opted instead to lift his foot, ready to press on with his mission.

At that moment the door behind him swung open and he froze mid-step.

"Harry!" He turned to see Shelly outlined in the bright light from the hallway. She quickly turned and shut the door behind her. "You're not supposed to be here! You should have been out hours ago! Visiting hours are only until eight, Mr. Styles. You know that." 

"I'm sorry, I am. I just... I don't like him sleeping alone. It makes my skin crawl thinking he's alone. That he might be alone when he wakes up." Harry hung his head slightly as his eyes burned. He reached out a hand to gently brush his fingers against Louis' leg. Shelly set the small tray she was carrying on Harry's vacant chair, flipped on a light over Louis' bed, and turned to him with a slight smile on her lips.

Harry turned toward her cautiously and she raised a hand to hold his chin, turning his face in her hand.

"No offense meant, love? But you really look like shit." Harry couldn't help but huff a laugh at her very matter-of-fact way of putting it. 

"Feel like it too, don't I?" He shot back. She smiled warmly and rubbed and patted his cheek before reaching down into her pocket. Harry watched with curious eyes as she pulled a carton of fags from her uniform.

"I really shouldn't do this, you know, live healthy and all that bollocks, but you sure look like you could use one- or two at the moment." Harry smiled politely and reached trembling fingers forward to retrieve two cigarettes from the pack.

"Cheers, yeah? You've always been good to me, Shell." She responded with another fond touch to his cheek before stuffing her cigarettes back in her pocket.

"You know-" she started, turning to retrieve her tray again, "it has been nearly a week since Lou here was admitted and four days now since you were released," She made her way around the bed and pushed a couple of buttons on Louis' monitor, "and I don't think you've been away for more than a few hours." She scribbled a few notes on her pad and turned back to Harry. "Most people can't wait to be out of the hospital. Not you apparently." Harry flinched slightly and hung his head. "I understand, Harry. I do. But there really is nothing you can do for him now. The best thing for him is for you to look after yourself. Stay in top form so you can help look after him when he wakes up, yeah? That's when he'll need you most, love. That's when you really need to be there for him." She smiled once more and Harry nearly melted by the sincerity of it, the warmth and invite. She leaned over the bed and squeezed Harry's hand firmly. 

"Now, out with you. Go smoke those and let me finish up here. I have to finish checking his vitals and give him more medicine before, well, before doing some of the less pleasant parts of my job..." She nodded down and Harry followed her glance to a large plastic bladder full of yellow liquid with a small tube leading under Louis' blanket somewhere near his groin. Harry grimaced slightly and Shelly laughed. "Doesn't matter how much you love someone, watching them have their catheter changed isn't something you need to see, really. Takes a special breed to do what I do!" She announced, proudly puffing her chest out in mock pride. Harry chuckled in response and hung his head, shaking his curls from his face and swiping them across his forehead before glancing up at Shelly again.

"That you are, my lass. That you are!" He gave her the most heart-melting, dimpled smile he could muster and he noticed with deep satisfaction that she turned quickly, flushing from the neck, and pressing the cool backs of her hands to her cheeks. Harry smiled to himself again and turned to leave.

"Oh, and Harry?" His hand lingered on the door handle and he turned back to her. "The doctor has ordered Louis be taken off some if his meds. It shouldn't be long now before he's back with us." She smiled and nodded as Harry glanced between Louis and Shelly, his heart swelling and tears rising in his eyes. "Yes, now, go! I promise I'll let you back in when I'm down with my rounds. But don't get used to this treatment! I can't let you stay every night... you cheeky little, beautiful, bastard. If I was twenty years younger... and he wasn't gay... you lucky little twat, Louis. Although.. you aren't half bad-"

Harry laughed silently from the other side of the door as Shelly's voice died away. He wasn't meant to hear the last part but couldn't help but linger by the door to see how long she'd keep talking after he had left the room. He hurried quickly forward, his hands clutched over his mouth to keep from laughing out loud. He pushed through a few sets of doors before the crisp night air hit his face. He breathed deeply, glad to be free of the sickening sterility of the hospital and smiled, genuinely, achingly, for the first time in what felt like ages. He laughed to himself again and lit a cigarette that was dangling from his lips. He breathed in deeply, and rode the immediate head rush it gave him. He held it out in front of him and smiled at it for a moment, before taking a long pull from it, hearing the tobacco crack and pop. He held it and let out a large puff of smoke into the air, looking up and throwing his arms out, spinning wildly in a circle.

He felt free and lighter at last. He stayed staring skyward as a faint speck floated through the air above him. He watched it curiously as it drifted slowly to land on the end of his nose, cold and wet. He wiped the spot and returned his head upward, dragging on the cigarette once more. Suddenly the black sky was filled with white specks, listing and swaying in the wind. Dancing above his head in a fresh and light ballet that made his heart rise in his chest. It was beautiful. The snow began to fall more quickly and he flitted about trying to catch them on his tongue, giggling and flailing when they'd land in his eyes or he actually caught one. 

He let out one last long sigh and spun himself around tightly before settling back onto a snow covered bench, swinging his feet and smiling behind his cigarette.

"It won't be long now." He repeated to himself, casting his eyes skyward again. His nightmare from earlier all but forgotten, and only blissful, domestic thoughts of he and Louis for years to come filled his head. Yes, Harry was certain, with this snow the past would surely be washed way, a new beginning for both of them. 

And this time Harry wasn't going to fuck it up.

 

 


	23. Chapter Twenty-Three

 

It started with a twitch. One twitch so small not even Harry's closely watchful eye saw it at first. It wasn't actually until Louis' eyes popped open, bugging out slightly, as he was brought full tilt into the conscious world that Harry knew Louis was finally awake. He sputtered and choked on the tube going down his throat, gasping and wheezing for air, his eyes infinitely searching blankly for some grasp on what was happening; where he was. 

Harry stood shocked, unable to even comprehend what was happening until a particularly large cough made Harry fear that Louis would choke and die. Almost on instinct he launched himself forward, sending the chair he was in toppling backwards with a loud crash. His hands fumbled frustratingly with the bed linens as Harry searched for the remote on Louis' bed. His fingers found the cold plastic and he wrapped his large hand around it with all of his strength, pulling the object from the twisted sheets. He found the large emergency call button and punched his thumb down on it over and over, hoping someone would get there so he wouldn't have to watch Louis die.

Harry was still in a daze as the door to the room flew open and a team of nurses and a doctor quickly filled the room. He didn't even notice the people, eyes fixed on Louis, until hands were tugging and pushing him out of the room. He made to protest, pushing and pulling against the phantom force, but it was no good. It was then that he let his eyes trail up to see Shelley before him with a small smile on her lips and a glint in her eye. Harry softened for a second and allowed her to escort him into the hall where she promptly gave his shoulder a firm squeeze and turned back to Louis' room.

"He'll be fine. Just wait here." She threw back over her shoulder as she shut the door behind her.

 

Wait here. 

_Wait here?_

How the hell could anyone just expect Harry to wait around when Louis was finally awake? Harry wanted to be in that room. He _needed_ to be there. Right by Louis' side, comforting him, making sure they took the kind of care of him Harry thought they should. Instead he was here; in a bright, sterile, white, deserted hallway on the other side of a door with no window. This was cruel and unusual treatment it was. Well, that's what Harry had convinced himself anyway. He knew, somewhere deep down, that this was the best thing for Louis. He needed attention, he needed medical care and he didn't need anyone getting in the way of that. Knowing this didn't make it any easier. He paced impatiently in front of the door, his hand finding the doorknob a few times as he braced himself against the door struggling to hear any sound he could. There was nothing, not a breath, not a whimper, not a single voice and it took all of Harry's strength not to open the door and barge in.

Harry resigned himself to waiting, again telling himself this is what is best for Louis now. It was just so hard to not want to be selfish in a time like this.  Harry had made some profound realizations in the days that Louis was out. With no small help from Gemma, Harry had finally realized that he is actually capable of loving and also capable of accepting love in return. He realized, though he couldn't fathom why, there were some people who could actually love him and want him to be happy. Louis was one of those people, maybe the only one really, and Harry had destroyed it. He thought that by having Louis, labeling what they were, it would make everything easier for him to accept and believe, but he still couldn't. He had somehow done everything in his power to fuck it up. He convinced himself he was getting better, that he was happy and didn't need to use anymore, but it was all false.

He spent too much time putting up a facade and pretending to be better in a desperate effort to keep Louis that he didn't actually ever try to get clean. He didn't really try to accept the love and help he was receiving because he couldn't believe it. He was stupid, blind and selfish, and it took a desperate act and near death for him to realize everything he actually had, everything he almost gave up.

So, now, with Louis finally awake just on the other side of a door, how could anyone expect Harry to just wait? Expect him to not barge in and confess his true feelings, admit that he was wrong, always has been, and that Louis is the best thing to ever happen to him. Louis had to know. Harry had to tell him and it couldn't wait. He couldn't leave Louis in the dark anymore, like he had been for so long, fumbling blindly with Harry hoping what he was doing was helping. Louis deserved to know that Harry did really care and that he _was_ helping. It was slow and painful but he was helping. And now that Harry had a new vision of his life, of their relationship, he was sure that he could get better.

The door finally opened and Harry rushed forward to be met by Shelley again who was shutting the door behind her.

"Is he...?" Harry wasn't even sure what to ask anymore, his mind was speeding a thousand miles an hour in every direction with no clear focus other than 'Louis'.

"He's fine, love. I promise. Just resting a bit." Shelley clarified with a sincere smile.

"Resting? Resting! Hasn't he had enough rest? He's been out for two bloody weeks already!" Harry threw his arms up in defeat and settled, rather harshly, with is back to the wall and his arms crossed over his chest, full on pouting like a two year old. Shelley couldn't help but let a small laugh escape her at the sight of this giant infant.

"Come now, Harry. It hasn't been a _full_ two weeks. And the bloke was in a coma! It isn't just, like, taking a nap. His body and his mind have been through a lot. He needs some _actual_ rest so he can get better. It shouldn't be long. Out by the end of the day or first thing tomorrow I'd say." She stepped in front of Harry and raised his eyes to meet hers. "He's going to be perfectly fine. Maybe some out patient therapy for a while if he's lost any mobility or muscle mass, always that potential of mild memory loss, but other than that he will be the same Louis you know and love, okay?" Harry tried to smile and succeeded, slightly, but no dimples could be bothered to make an appearance at this point. Shelley patted his shoulder and smiled warmly up at him. "Listen, I can't let you back in there unfortunately. You're still not technically allowed to visit and with the doctors in there now and they'll be checking up on him all day and... I'm sorry Harry, but I'm afraid you'll just have to wait till he's released to see him again." 

Harry couldn't even bring himself to hear the words properly. He just stared straight ahead as he felt Shelley give him a light hug and saunter down the hall to her nursing post. What kind of bullshit was this anyway? Louis is finally conscious and he can't even go in to see him? What did they think he was going to do? Put him back in a coma? 

He tried not to get to frustrated and focus on Louis. On his love and his support, even if he wasn't really there to give it. It was the only way Harry knew to get through times like these; when it seemed there was no hope for his happiness and the entire universe seemed to want to keep him down.

But now was his time. His real chance to prove that even under such stress he can make good on his promises. He can stay clean. And not just for Louis, like it always was in the past. This time it would be because Harry wanted to be sober. He wanted to make a better life for him and Louis. He wanted to be the person that he thought Louis deserved; that idealistic monster Harry had built in his head and convinced himself he could never be. He could though, that could be him if he just tried, and try he would. More than that, he would succeed. Because Louis was awake and Louis loved him and Harry thought that maybe, for the first time, he even loved himself a little.

The doors at the end of the hallway suddenly burst open, pulling Harry from his thoughts. He peered down the short distance and saw a young man striding toward him at a quick pace. He blinked in the bright light and the face came into focus. It was Jasper. Harry suddenly saw his in. If Jasper could see Louis then maybe he would let Harry in too. Harry got to his feet and stood flush to wall as Jasper noticed him for the first time, his pace slowing with each step.

The two boys stood staring at one another for what seemed like minutes before Harry found the will to step from the wall and ask Jasper for such a necessary favor. As he stepped forward, however, Jasper's face went cold and he stepped right past Harry to Louis' door and disappeared inside. Harry stood dumbfounded, alone in the hallway once again. What the fuck was Jasper's problem anyway? He hadn't seen Harry since before all of this happened and he didn't even have the decency to at least say hello? Or, god forbid, maybe how he's doing since _his_ boyfriend went into a coma? 

Harry's temper was raging again. Boiling his blood and tainting his porcelain skin a fiery red. He turned on his heels to face the taunting door that seemed to be the bane of his existence these past weeks. He was half way to barging through it when Louis blue eyes flashed in his mind. Seared there along with his laugh and his smile, the crinkle by his eyes when he smiled that special smile that could always make Harry melt all over again. He couldn't storm in there like this. He couldn't risk upsetting Louis, and he certainly didn't want that to be their first encounter after all this time. 

He stumbled back from the door slightly and clenched his fists at his sides. He closed his eyes and let the silence of the hospital engulf him. He breathed deeply and felt the tension drain from his body, replaced by a euphoric and relaxed sensation coursing through him. He opened his eyes and smiled, dimples and all. He really was getting better at dealing with this shit and he didn't even know it. He was going to do this.

In a much better mood than before he stepped back up to the door and knocked so gently even he couldn't hear it. He really had no intention of letting them know he was coming in. He quickly glanced both ways down the hallway and seeing no one turned the knob and pushed his way into the room,

It was still small, it was still too dark, it was still too cold. But something was different. There was a life to the room now, a presence that had been completely devoid till this point. His eyes adjusted quickly as he scanned the room to see Jasper in the same chair he had spent every moment he could with Louis. From where he was standing Jasper was blocking his view of Louis but when Jasper leaned forward to take Louis' hand Harry saw them for the first time in what felt like a lifetime; those brilliant, vibrant blue eyes. Harry couldn't help but gasp slightly as they caught the dim light and sparkled radiantly.

Both boys turned to look at Harry, noticing him for the first time since his stealthy entrance. His eyes met with Louis' and he was frozen, staring, studying. Finally feeling comfort and home in as long as he could remember. Those eyes were the key to his whole world now. With a single glance they could completely change the way Harry was feeling. He felt his eyes start to water and tear as the joy in seeing Louis awake and well again overwhelmed him. All he wanted was to rush forward and throw himself on Louis, making up for lost time and cuddles.

"Hi." That voice. Even dry and cracked Harry couldn't believe how melodic and pure it sounded. Almost like singing as he spoke. Harry beamed at him, his eyes threatening to finally spill over. "Umm... sorry, but I think you have the wrong room mate. I'm Louis Tomlinson and this is my room, yeah? No offense just trying to chat with a friend after being in a coma." Jasper and Harry just stared, both completely baffled. Louis like is pranks but this didn't have the usual eire of mischief and fun his usual pranks did. This was cold and frankly quite rude.

"Louis, that's Harry." Jasper said plainly. Louis shrugged and eyed Harry again.

"Oh, okay, didn't expect you to bring a guest to my awakening, Jas. It's nice to meet you Harry." Louis said simply, with a flat smile.

Harry couldn't move. He couldn't think. He had even forgotten how to breath, the wind pulled completely from his lungs and left him gasping, drowning internally, not sure which way is up. He couldn't see straight anymore and he felt his knees buckle. he clutched to the wall beside him and turned as quickly as he could toward the door. He reached forward for the handle, falling against it and tumbling through the door.

The bright white of the hallway blinded and disoriented him. His vision was reduced to a pinpoint in front of him as the black of tunnel vision closed in around him. He struggled to pull air into his chest, but it was tight, fighting back. His chest hurt, his heart was pounding hard, he could feel it in every pulse point in his body. With no warning he was hunched against the wall dry heaving, his body finding anyway to cope with the sudden rush of emotions, the over flow of hormones from his panic attack.

He someone found it in himself to push back from the wall and turn toward the emergency exit halfway down the hall. Almost on instinct his feet carried him, running full speed toward the door. He burst through into the frigid early morning air and kept running. There were no thoughts in his mind of where or why, he just had to get away from there. From that nightmare where he watched helplessly as Louis lay somewhere between life and death. 

From that place where Louis Tomlinson, the love of Harry's life, somehow forgot he existed at all.

 

 


End file.
